Caught in between

[BOLIAO]

I'm so extremely suicidal and I got to hang on until my will is done and part of my loans settled. My dad used most of his savings to buy a house under my name and if I die without a will, they will go into financial ruin. I keep pushing for my will to be done so that I can go. It makes me cry when I'm contemplating suicide as my parents who have done nothing wrong but have given me the very best in my life are innocent and have nothing to do with my ruined mind. They are in their 60s and are so hopeful that I will be ok in time. They have done everything they can to try to help me but yet I'm suicidal. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and he's given me medication but medication can't solve my real life problem.

There is no way out for me and the mental pain is so unbearable. Each day gets worse and worse and I don't know how long can I hang on. I can't buy a gun to blow my brains in my country so I guess I'll have to jump off a building. I'm so desperate to do so but I can't cos several things have to be done first. I love my parents so much but I just can't bear with my mental pain. I know my suicide will ruin their lives forever and thats why I'm hanging on but I dont know how long can I hang on. My girlfriend who loves me so much will also ruined and so is my only sister who is working overseas. My suicide will destroy all of their lives and thats why I'm trying so hard to hang on but it's getting unbearable. I also dont know what to do. Just typing out how i feel.

 

[flowerpot]

Live for them, they need you.
If you were to take your life you could very well be stuck in a never-ending hell regretting your final decision.
The last thing you want to hear is "you'll be okay"
But I believe everyone can be okay, eventually.
You have to live and see how things work out because you never know what will happen next.
You could have a great life ahead of you, even though you probably cannot see that right now.
Please hang on.

 

[lulu rose]

ohhh sweetie. Can you think of anything or anyone in your life that could make it more bareable?

I konow you've heard everything before, so I wont repeat it all.

But I'm wondering, how serious are you and youre girlfriend? have you thought about living together? or are you already doing that? maybe thinking about something that could make you feel even a slight bit better and trying to persue it might help. Even if it's as simple as getting a pet?

You might have already considered these things though, but I know that when I got like this, I'd consider stuff and think "that would help" but I'd never act on it. If thats the case then finding the drive to act on it is what needs to be done. Really it's forcing yourself to do it and it takes alot of strength.

I hope you're ok right now. I really do. Have a think about what could potentially make you feel better and see if you can have it.