I feel caught between trying to deal with the emotions, from when I was essentially forced to retire, and keeping them undercover. When I try to deal with the emotions, I run the risk of actively becoming suicidal and definitely the risk of burning myself. If I try to keep the emotions undercover, I am constantly paralyzed in terms of moving forward. The emotions are definitely becoming felt more often If I want to or not. Wonder if I can control my actions this time. I am finding myself wanting to SI and saying I want to die. While the suicidal feelings are manageable, the desire to SI is very strong.