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Celebrating without you

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by absolom, Dec 31, 2015.

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  1. absolom

    absolom Banned Member

    It's not that I was alone at Christmas... that's not what bothered me.
    It's knowing that your family is celebrating without you.
    It's knowing that you missed watching your son run down stairs to open presents at some god-awful time on christmas morning.
    It's knowing that your family sat around the table and enjoyed their turkey dinner while wearing those silly hats you get in crackers.

    It's not that I am alone on New Years Eve,
    It's knowing that your family is celebrating without you.
    They just finished their steak and lobster dinner.
    They have moved to the living room to play the annual "presents game" they have always done.
    It's knowing that in about 4 hours, they will raise their glasses and hug each other saying Happy New Year.

    It's knowing that your family is celebrating even though you aren't there.
    They have continued with their lives... without you.
    It would be no different if I was dead.
    They would continue with their lives and their celebrations, just as they do now.

    “Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don't kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, "He fought so hard." And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.”
    ― Sally Brampton, Shoot the Damn Dog: A Memoir of Depression

    “No man ever threw away life while it was worth keeping.”
    ― David Hume, Essays on Suicide and the Immortality of the Soul
  2. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    You say "they" but you would as well. Why, should they cry a river forever? No, you could make a different for the greater good but people shouldn't moan in tears if you arent at a party. They might mention your name though and greatly have wishes for you to be there but you shouldn't expect other wise, what other option do they have, not have fun because you weren't there?
  3. absolom

    absolom Banned Member

    I didn't ask for anyone to "cry me a river". You don't know the story that goes along with this.
    Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I feel so much better now. Everything seems so much clearer. You should be a therapist. On your door, you could post a sign saying "you shouldn't expect anyone to cry you a river". It's catchy. I would suggest, however, that you locate your office near a psychiatrist's office so when your patients are finished their session with you they can walk next door and get anti-depressants.
  4. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Maybe you could add some context to the story ? While they did those things and you were alone diosd they tell you to sit alone? Did they tell you not be there and if so did they force you to be alone as well instead of with somebody else doing something else?

    I am in no way pretending that it is easy to not be alone- I left home at 17 and have never really spoken with my family in the 30 years since. And I am sincerely wondering (not judging or second guesses- just wondering) about your situation because I am interested in your situation and what has caused it to be what it is. Perhaps then I could offer some small advice , though in all honesty I am doubtful I will think of anything in 5 minutes you have not thought of in the however long your situation has been like this, or if not advice then I can at least understand a little better and when people understand you even then it is at least not quite as lonely in the world then when you are alone and nobody understands as well.

    If you do not want to share more then of course that is fine, and I will leave you with the simple thought that I hope you change the situation or the situation alters so that on the next holiday or birthday or day that matters to you if you cannot be with that set of people then you can at least not be alone.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  5. absolom

    absolom Banned Member

    My son's name is Ben. I'm sorry for snapping at you.
    I got sick when my mom died in 2010. Countless suicide attempts... a few of them put me in icu. Oh how I wish I had succeeded.
    After my mom passed my father moved back to England to live with my god mother. I've heard from a few sources that they had an affair before I was born.
    - mom gone
    - dad gone
    My husband left and took my youngest son. I don't blame him, but I miss them both terribly. I hardly ever get to see my youngest son.
    Twice I had to get in between my oldest son, who was 14 and my husband - his stepfather. Called the police once and they did an investigation. We protected him for some reason. While I was in hospital he sent my son to live with his father 3 hours away. I don't get to see him very often.
    - husband gone
    - both sons gone
    My mom and I owned a prosperous business together. Turns out I am absolute crap at running a business. She did all of the bookkeeping and administration. I did marketing and training.
    - business gone
    I was doing my PhD and teaching at the university. I missed too many teaching days and stopped making progress so I was kicked out of the program.
    - job gone
    - phd gone
    and so I also lost my vehicle, boat, and home.
    My brother came to visit me in hospital one day. We have never been close but I always wished we were. He was so nice and supportive. The following day he sent me a text saying that because of me he missed reading his daughters the bedtime story and that it would never happen again. It's been 2 years since we last spoke.
    - brother and nieces gone
    My 1st husband, with whom I was very close with, died from Cancer. I loved him. I miss him. If it hadn't have been for his drinking, we would have stayed married. My 16 year old son wanted to stay in the town because he had made a lot of friends and didn't want to leave them. I expect he also didn't want to live with me.

    I don't blame any of them for leaving. I would have left me too. I wish I could leave me, and think about it constantly.
    So that is why I spend holidays alone. I think of how it could have been, and I think about them sitting around the table, laughing, celebrating, wishing I could be there. That is why I said that it isn't so much being alone, it's knowing what they are all doing without me.

    The person in whom its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. - David Foster Wallace

    I have reached an unendurable level.
  6. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    That, plus in the very beginning where say countless attempts and ending up in the ICU makes pretty clear that the current situation is not new depression or pain- you have been dealing with it all your adult and would guess teen life as well. I am going to be very frank with you- from both the perspective of somebody that has felt deeply suicidal at various times and from somebody that has dealt with close family members dealing with severe depression and depression compounded by alcohol abuse. It is not easy to be around people that are severely depressed and hate themselves. I believe it is in part a self defense mechanism for some- this person wants to die - clearly getting very close /attached or remaining close and attached is not a good idea from a self preservation from pain and loss point of view.

    It is also exhausting being around people that are deeply depressed. We are very self centered, and it is hard to want to be around somebody or feel like it was time well spent if we think we are not worth even our own efforts. If people spend time with somebody and are wanting them to enjoy it and having a response (whether stated or just by attitude) "doesn't' matter, my life still sucks" - it is like giving somebody a gift that you hope they really like and they say "Is nice , but I think will take it back and get a different style/color" or "I used to have one of these but stopped using it" - it really doesn't matter how many times they say "but thank you - I really appreciate it and and am very grateful" the person that gave the gift still feels like it was wasted effort. While supporting somebody is supposed to be about that person, in the end it all has something to with the person supporting them too and that it needs to feel like it was worth the effort.

    This is where the old cliches "until you like yourself nobody else will" or "can't love somebody else until you love yourself" come from. None of this makes your pain less real or less justified, and it is not going to not even would I expect it make you have some sudden epiphany. Saying "like yourself so others can too" is pretty easy but clearly it is nothing simple at all. But I would suggest that you try to spend more of your time dealing with why you don't want to be around yourself and trying to learn to not to spend the time alone thinking about what others are doing without you- and instead put the emphasis on what you can do to make your time more meaningful so you felt like it wasn't wasted. Those other things like hobbies and finding things that interest you so that your mind is occupied- and more importantly perhaps so when you do have the chance to talk with people and spend time with them you have something to talk about. "I like to x ,y, z, and go to a, b, c " comes across a lot better than "nothing sit at home alone and be miserable". It make them feel like they really were not of great value if the alternative was sit alone and be miserable or spend time with them. It comes across as they are better than nothing but not much....

    I really hope you do find a way to make future better than the past. You certainly deserve to have some time that is spent with people that want to be around you , and I hope one of those people is you.
    2 people like this.
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