Ch-ch-changes

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sithspit, Mar 10, 2008.

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  1. sithspit

    sithspit Well-Known Member

    Have you ever gone through a change in your life which made you want to give up?

    It can be such a little thing. In my case, I've been feeling suicidal for around 4 years now, but despite having a few attempts (which have left their scars) I am still here. Those attempts were few and far between, and for the most part, I've managed to survive. I don't know whether this is a mixture of cowardice, fear or survival instinct, but I'm still here. I also think a case has to be made for my support structure, which I myself have set up: my work, social life and faith. My faith helps me get through every Sunday, as going to church is always a wonderful experience. My social life only really consists of a pub quiz each weekend and maybe going out once a month, but it's there. And then there's my work, which is demanding, stressful and sometimes infuriating, but it gets me out the house and I've made it as bearable as humanly possible. I figured that if one of these support structures fell away, then I would collapse as well. Whilst I was struggling to hold on, at least I was, and so could try and fix myself as my life slowly trudged forward.

    Sadly that is no longer possible due to one thing - my job. As of next Monday I am being moved to a different area of the company. I have worked there before and hated it, but managed to bear it because I knew it was short-term. Now it's a permanent transfer, and I know I will hate it. I was informed by my boss today when I would be moving, and although I tried to argue against it, he said "my mind is made up". I can't afford to quit my job, and I have no real other prospects besides it. I worked in McDonald's before this and was unemployed for a long time before that, so I fear that if I lose this I will have nothing.

    So this Sunday, I have decided to kill myself. I was never sure what method to take, so I figure if I do several at once it will increase my chances. In a way, this is a positive, as I've needed more motivation to try and find the peace I've craved for a long time. I literally have no-one to talk to about this (or who I am capable of talking to), and so I thought I'd post it hear. Thanks for reading.
     
  2. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    Will you talk to us? :sad:
     
  3. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    I understand the feeling of having no one to talk to, but, you said you had faith...Is there no one to talk to at your place of worship?? And why have you chosen Sunday to do this?
     
  4. sithspit

    sithspit Well-Known Member

    I will if you want me to. What would you like to know?

    Sadly not, as the people at church also are close friends. I chose Sunday so I can make my peace with God, but also because I get moved on Monday and don't want to face it.
     
  5. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    By the way, I find myself here again also because of a change in my life, and am thinking the same way you are. I have no real motivation to give you any advice, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
     
  6. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    What type of job did you have, and what will you be doing come Monday?
     
  7. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    Pioneer, why are you here?
     
  8. sithspit

    sithspit Well-Known Member

    I'm a manager at a betting liscence (bookies), and I will be doing the same job essentially, except I am being moved to the worst shop imaginable. Basically, I was put in the shop I am in one year ago, and it was dying on it's back. Now our profits are up 260% from last year, and it's gone from a place which was going to be shut to one that is having new staff sent here to train up.

    My "reward" for this is being sent to the worst shop in the area. It was robbed not one week ago, and has the worst customers imaginable. It's small, cramped and unpleasant, and everyone hates working there. I have heart troubles, and so working in a more stressful environment may kill me before I get chance to do it myself. I also have to work more hours, which I hate, as I work enough as it is.

    On top of this, my staff members are an incompitent cashier who throws accusations at the management when she fails at her job, my ex-girlfriend, and the person who trained me up who I hate with a passion (I swear this is all true and not just some lame-ass soap opera)
     
  9. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    I don't think you could have made that up...If you did, you are in the wrong business, you should go into screenwriting or something. It sounds like you are very good at your job...Did your boss have anything personal against you? Does it have anything to do with your ex-girlfriend?? Maybe she wanted you there, maybe she wants you back. Is that a good thing? Probably not since you are dreding the move so much.
     
  10. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    Are you sure you cannot get a different job. I'm sure you have built alot of skills in this job that you could put on a resume. What about talking to higher-ups. Let them know that you will be more productive where you are now. Are there any unions your involved in?
     
  11. sithspit

    sithspit Well-Known Member

    My boss said it was a "reward", as I'm getting moved to a busier shop which he wants me to try and turn around. And my ex-gf has nothing to do with this, she has no real power, and she doesn't want me back as she has a new guy who she's put off moving house to be with. If anything, I still want her.
     
  12. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    O.K., not to make your job sound trivial, because its not...You said that you had three support systems. You still have your faith and a social life. Are those not worth sticking around for? If you don't mind me asking, How old are you? Oh, and is your job legal? Something that you could put on a resume?
     
  13. sithspit

    sithspit Well-Known Member

    Yes it's legal, it's a liscenced bookies, lol! With the support system, neither of the three things particularly make me happy, but together they seem to get me into a routine which gets me through the day. Without one, it's like taking one leg off a chair. Not that they are really all that great, it just gives me the artificial feeling I have a life.

    Oh, and I'm 21 by the way.
     
  14. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    Wow, you are still so young, I thought with the Bowie reference that you would have been older...Anyway, why can't you work there until you can find another job? Do they have any other betting places you could work at? You haven't mentioned any family, are they any support to you?
     
  15. sithspit

    sithspit Well-Known Member

    Because it took me forever to find this one, and working somewhere I hate until then would kill me (literally). I have a family, I live with my parents and brother, but I can't open up to them.
     
  16. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    You said that you have tried this before, does your family know about that? I guess I'm asking if they know how close you are to doing this?
     
  17. sithspit

    sithspit Well-Known Member

    Not at all. I told them before that I was sexually abused and they got angry and thought I was lying. My mom also got told years ago (by my councellor, who was supposed to be confidential) and she burst into tears and made me feel so bad. I'm never doing that again.
     
  18. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    That is so sad. Are you sure you don't want to give it chance? I wish I had a family, I think though it may be difficult to open up your suicidal thoughts to them, in the end they would want you to. I'm not trying to convince you of anything, but if I had the problems you are having right now, I would be so happy. We all have different thresholds of pain. What triggered you the last time you tried to end your life?
     
  19. sithspit

    sithspit Well-Known Member

    They may "want" me to, but the last time I tried it ended in disaster, and so won't be making that mistake again. Opening up to others just hurts them, and I don't want to do that.

    My threshold of pain used to be quite high, but got worn very thin due to what happened to me many years ago. I was severly bullied, mugged (twice in one week) and sexually assaulted in the space of one year, and as such all it takes is for a snide comment to be made and I'm right down again. At least, I used to. Now I find myself getting scarily angry, to the point where I'm worried I may hurt someone or myself.
     
  20. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    Are you in therapy for what you have been through, or on any medications that may need to be increased at this time?
     
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