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I saw the Psychiatrist. He challenged on my thoughts etc. I found it really hard. I could see what he was doing though. One of the things he said was "you have come and asked for help. But it seems as though you don't actually want it". He meant that I came to appointments and I was asking to be helped but I am not doing anything to help myself. He said the times when I needed help the most I wasn't seeking it out. I think I can deal with things on my own and file the problem away but really I haven't dealt with it. Like on Friday I was feeling bad, aggitated, suicidal etc. I thought I had dealt with it but Saturday went to show I hadn't. He asked me why I wouldn't ring crisis team, I was under their care for a reason and how it looked to him was that I wasn't accepting the help that had been offered.

I explained to him that I thought I could deal with things myself and that I felt pathetic at having to ring them when it is minor things that have got me in to a tizzle. I feel that there are people who are in worse situations who deserve their time and I prefer to try and deal with it on my own. I explained how I found it really hard to speak to people on the phone. Especially people I didn't know. That's why these hotlines don't work for me. If I am talking about something personal I need to see their face to gauge their reactions. I can talk about it on here and my blog as it is anonymous. I said I have a thing of where I get to know someone and then rely on them for support. I said I knew it was unhealthy but I struggle to be open and honest with people I don't know. One of the things that worries me about crisis team is having to explain everything. Having a different person each time and having to tell them everything.

He then went on to say that I couldn't just rely on one or two people. What if they are ill, on annual leave etc. I know what he is saying as I could really do with talking to Sam my counsellor about the weekend but I know she is on annual leave. She said text me if you have any problems but I don't want to disturb her time off. It's not fair on her. I would call Mike at PM but there is nothing they can do as they are assessment only. So that leaves me with no one to call and no one to off load on about what went on at the weekend.

Anyway...plan of action...

Clinical Psychology want to work through the counsellor I already see. The Clinical Psychologist supervises a lot of staff already from that organisation. Dr T said there was a good chance she already knew my case as may have been discussed in supervision...but she wouldn't know me by name. So what they are hoping for is the clinical psychologist to lead Sam in what she does with me. This would work a lot better for me as would mean I didn't have to go to the hospital where I have worked numerous times to go see her and have that risk each time I go and I am limited on when I can see people. I have counselling sessions in the evening after work which works and I only have half a day each week as study leave. So fitting it in around that schedule would be hard and could mean I am waiting weeks if not months for an appointment that would come up when I have that half a day off. He also said it would probably be better for me to work like that as it's obvious I find it hard to trust new people and find it hard to build up that relationship to it means I can continue to work with Sam who I know and don't have the stress of the new person thing. He also said if I was to work with the Clinical Psychologist directly I would have to stop seeing Sam as wouldn't work as approaches may be slightly different.

I am being referred to have a key worker/CPN. I asked him for one quite early on in the appointment and he said that was something he was going to discuss with me as he thought that would be beneficial.

He asked me if I would call crisis team when I am struggling. I find it hard to know when I am struggling and what if any triggers are. He asked me if I thought if they should call me and I said that would be better then I don't have the hurdle of picking up the phone.

He said he could tell I was putting up a lot of barriers and that I wasn't doing myself any favours. I told him about trying to kill myself while I was in hospital. He asked me why. I told him why. He challenged me over that saying I had gone to the hospital for the infection in my leg wanting help. I had gone voluntarliy so it was obs something I was concerned about. Yet while I am there I tried to kill myself. He asked why then. I explained that I was struggling. I told him I did even try crisis team but I couldn't get through. I had told the nurse I was also.

He said I didn't try hard enough to get through as all I needed to do was call local hospital switch board and asked to be put through. I thought if I did that it would page them (as the person I did speak to at psychiatric hospital switch board said I needed to call local hospital switch board and they would page them) and I didn't want them rushing down thinking I was going to top myself I just wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to speak to someone. I was really freaking and couldn't self harm which I had tried.

I explained that I saw it as an opportunity for it to look like an accident. He then went on about consequences. Who would have paid them. I said no one. As it would have been an accident and he went on to tell me how wrong I was saying that the nurses would have been found negligent and the ward staff and others on the ward would have paid the consequences. So that made me feel bad. I am already feeling bad about what happened over the weekend and had a shit result back on one of my essays. So yeah not good really.

He asked me to throw my needles away. I was honest and said I wouldn't. I said I knew I would cut more if I did and I saw that as being worse as meant that I required services. And that this was stopping me from cutting. I knew I couldn't throw them away. Not yet. I am not sure if I ever will be able to. Even if I come out of this episode then I will need to have them there as a just in case.

So now I suppose I have to wait for crisis team to get in contact. For CPN/key worker referral to go through and for the next time I see Dr T which will be towards the end of March. So no change really. I am still in the same position. I still feel crap and suicidal. It was noticed today also that I was quiet at work. I just blamed it on being tired.

So I don't really know what I can do now. Not seeing Sam until a week on Wednesday as of her annual leave.


Staff Alumni

I've been thinking of you today and just checked in to see if you'd posted.. I'm glad that you wrote :)

Glad too that you made it to your appointment, it can't have been easy. Sounds like the psychiatrist was indeed challenging - i hope he did it in a supportive way. I think sometimes being challenged is really hard to take and hear.. personally I really have to be in the right mood to be challenged, like I need to be in a good mood, as otherwise I can take it all rather negatively and personally.

How do you feel about all he said to you? I hear that you feel nothing much has changed for you as you're still feeling alone, suicidal and depressed. I do hope though that you'll be able to reach out to the support that has (hopefully) been put in to place. I hear it's hard for you to phone people though but maybe if they're phoning you that will help.

Thinking of you and hope you get some rest tonight
Jenny x


Staff Alumni
Hi Golden...glad you saw the pdoc...are there any outpatient support groups that you can belong to and go to them when you need to without an appointment? Maybe by having a support like this which could be PRN you would have a place to be when you felt unstable? Also, can you create a support circle for yourself? People who you can contact either professionally or socially to have you connect to someone at these times? There are no professional services, other than a crisis team, that can be available like that and maybe by creating this support for yourself, you will feel better cared for when you are at risk...hope you are better now...big hugs


Well-Known Member
At first I wanted to get up and walk out. But I calmed myself down and saw what he was doing. And to be fair to him I could see his point. So I wasn't going to achieve anything by doing that.

Dr T is ok actually. I wasn't keen at first but today my opinion changed of him. I can see where he is coming from and see what he is getting at. And looking at what he is doing from a professional point of view I get it and agree. It's just that I don't like being challenged and can become quite defensive. But in his position I would be doing exactly what he is.

In terms of groups etc...I wont do them. I know I posted yesterday about people asking for help and when people were suggesting things they kept knocking them back. And being in agreement with the person who wrote something quite contraversial about a person and I agreed with them. I realise I am being that way also. Having asked for help and not prepared to listen. I have reasons for not doing groups or even going to certain places. The first being is that because of what I am doing and what I have done. I work in social care. I don't want to risk coming across my own service users. I have already experienced meeting service users when I have been in the waiting room at the psych offices. Then I have seen social workers who I have been in contact with through work while I have been waiting. I can't risk people I work with seeing me and either finding out what has been going on. The other thing about groups is I can't talk to people. I can't unless I am in a private place, there is no chance of others over hearing and I know that person. I need to feel some kind of connection to that person for me to be able to tell them anything.

Yes I can tell someone who is from psych medicine, a nurse who I have never met that I self harm, that recently has got worse and I feel low. But that is about as far as it goes. I don't tell people about me. Nothing about my thoughts or what goes through my head. Yesterday with the nurses on 136 suite I was able to tell a little bit more to as I spent 8 hours there. He didn't push me and he was really good...and it was a he!!!! For some strange reason I am able to talk to blokes better than I can women.

I want to build a support circle. Not a social one. This is all private to me. To friends it is scary and they don't understand. It scares them. I don't want to push them away. I did that a couple of years back and went a year without seeing a lot of my friends. I am different to my friends in the fact that I self harm. It's not something I expect them to understand or that I even want them to. I want my friends for going out with, having fun with. I am the strong one. I am the one who has worked in psychiatric places, I am the one who is working towards a career in an area which involves mental health. I am the one they ask advice from. I am the one who is strong. I don't want people worrying about me. I want to be able to talk to someone and not shock them with what I have to say or make them overly worry. For me having worked in psychiatric care I know within those circles self harm and mental health is something that is discussed every day. I have worked with people who have done shocking things (eg..womans private place also known as a hidey hole - gross I know but some of the stories I have you would never believe), I know in that client group I am normal! I am not over worried about. Mental health is so stigmatised and I don't want my family and friends thinking I am different as they would do if they knew what was going on. I don't want to feel any more "strange" than I already do. It's bad enough me dealing with it without making other people deal with it. I want a professional support circle as within that I am normal. Here I am normal and anonymous.

And to be honest I don't think I have any friends who I could confide like that. I don't have any really close friends any more. I used to. But since 2008 when I cut myself off I have never really got back the closeness and not been able to confide in them. And as awful as it sounds I am embarrassed by myself and the feelings I have.
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