Challenging our perceptions

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by morfea, Nov 1, 2009.

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  1. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    I stole the title of this thread from @JohnADreams's reply in the 'Self Esteem: Getting it, finding it and keeping it' thread. I was reminded by @Ziggy's reply in the same thread how our perceptions design our life, how often we are deluded and suffer for no good reason

    >If everyone says that a painting is crap I guess there's generally a reason for it, but what if one person likes it? Maybe we're all just waiting to be appreciated by that lone voice in the crowd? There are many people who won't appreciate who you are, but is that your fault or theirs? Maybe I just want to fit in, to belong, to be desired, to conform. Is that right or wrong? I guess that's a different debate.<

    Also by the words of another member
    @bubblin girl >...its all the same...the wrong is in me...and im still the same ugly,retarted,stupied person on earth...<

    It got me thinking. Who made us beleive we are ugly or stupid? Why do we feel the need to belong, to fit in? If I'm convinced that I'm ugly and stupid my chances to fit in anywhere are automatically diminished by half at least.
    People see us the way we see ourselves. If I don't reply to any compliment or say - Oh no, I'm really not that beautiful/smart/witty or whatever, people will think exactly that. Many times it was our parents who abused and/or neglected us and made us beleive we are unworthy. How do we realize that is not true? Took me so many years.

    The other thing is that many of us just don't fit in the society's usual perceptions of beatiful/normal, etc. Should we feel less worthy because of that? Who are the people who actually change the world, create art, push the boundaries? Normal, average individuals? I don't think so. Can we feel proud, or at least not ashamed, for being different?
  2. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    This may not be a direct answer but it really challenged my perceptions...

    There's an african tribe, where they want everyone to be equal. They don't want a leader or someone to stand out. So if somebody cooks a particularly nice meal they go "oh it's not bad, could do with some more seasoning" etc. The men go hunting and if someone is really good they all say "what a pitiful catch, how is that meant to feed us?"

    Someone went to study them and as a thank you bought them a really nice present, of course they all said "is that it? Couldn't you have thought of anything better?" :smile:
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 1, 2009
  3. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    "oh it's not bad, could do with some more seasoning"
    Sounds better then anything I've heard about my cooking from my mother.

    "is that it? Couldn't you have thought of anything better?"
    This seems a bit rude. I couldn't say anything like this to a person who gave me a present.

    Never satisfied, I guess we can look at it that way, too. Too sensitive people take everything more serious then it is. I really shoudn't be bothered what my mother thinks of my cooking, yet I still am.
    On the other hand it would be nice if I could be so honest and tell her what I really think of the present I got from her, if I get one :), but I wouldn't dare.
    I often want to tell the truth to others, but can't be so brave to do it and I keep my mouth shut. On the other hand it's not nice to hear criticism, at first, but if it comes from a true friend I'll think about it although it makes me unpleasant.
  4. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I have a theory about this, and it's to do with the shoulds and oughts and musts we've managed to soak up into ouir heads over the years.

    So fact: you ARE bothered by what your mother thinks of your cooking. You instinctively know you SHOULDN'T be, (but why I have to ask, why 'shouldn't' you be bothered) so you end up feeling gullty, bad, small, inferior, inadequate, not as good as everyone elde (I'm just throwing these in for the sake of argument, not because I think that's what you really think!) and that makes you feel even worse, but it doesn't make the feeling of being bothered go away, just makes it go underground like something shameful that you're not supposed to feel. So it gets stronger instead of weaker, turns into something that at best nags away, at worst latches onto every other feeling you SHOULDN'T have felt. And so and so forth.

    My theory is that the only thing that stops us from believing in ourselves, is having to hide away all the perceived unacceptable bits, the bad feelings, the criticisms, the needs and wants that haven't been met. As for the solution, well...
  5. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    hi Morfea:
    lol u steal my words & talk about me without telling me...fine ill forgive just kidding :D :D

    all what i want to say...nobody is telling me im ugly or stupid...i know ugly cos i have medical condition that make me ugly plus i have dry skin that make my skin turn blue & i have allergy (aksema) most of te days that make me so ugly but otherwise im avrage person i guess..not that ugly..

    and I know im stuped cos i go to all kind of schools & universities in many countries for 18 years countinously and still when the whole class get "A" but me get "F" thats just so clear that I have low IQ avrage.

    even if i born with high self-steem is all gone now.people look to me in pathatic look & im so tired & embaressed of that.

    My theory is when u have somthing wrong even if its small,u'll get weak personality, weak personality make other make fun of u & use u,thats make u get low self steam, low self steam make people make fun of u,then u get low & low self steam,.......,and so on

    anyway, i just wanna say i agree with u, but anyway i still embaressed of myself & have so low self steam, and its too late to already gone :'(

    have a nice day dear :)
  6. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    Let me tell you a story of my son. He's 18 now, always stuttered, it's a bit better now then it was before, but it's not gone, far from it. As many times others made fun of him, he never let it bother him, and it wasn't very often either. Was he lucky that he didn't get as much laughed at as some others? No, I don't think it was luck, I beleive it's exactly his reaction to the others making fun of him, or rather - no reaction, no anger, nothing, that made others leave him alone. He simply has that inside him, was born with it, because he always ignored it, even when he was 3 years old in the nursery.
    Now, why can't I be like that?
    Why do I let my mother's comments always bring me down?
    The difference between me and my mother being - I never tried to hurt my son intentionally, never made fun of him, I tried to point out his good sides, talked and talked to him, while my mother's only tools for educating me were beating and cursing and swearing, I was never good at anything.
    This may seem as self-praise, but I really want to point out how much it means for a child to get praised, for what they're good at, of course, not always.

    It's like Tam says- I get bothered because of my mother's comments, since I know I'm not always bad at cooking, and her comments shouldn't bother me but they do and knowing that they shouldn't but I let it happen anyway, bothers me even more, so it's a magic circle, with no exit.

    @bubblin, I'll say it again, I don't have a feeling that you're stupid, but changing so many schools and teachers and cities surely isn't very helpful for any student
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