Change. I've changed.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by fisch, Nov 10, 2008.

  1. fisch

    fisch Well-Known Member

    Hello there. I'm a writer. I believe in subtext. I believe in writing one thing, yet meaning another. I believe in layers of meaning. I believe in subtlety. I never spill words onto a page usually, I try to carefully craft what I write.

    But what I'm about to write is as stark and honest as anything I've ever written. No veils. No hidden meanings. No eloquence. Just me. Just plain old me.

    Today I visited these forums for the first time in months. Before that, my last post was all the way back in January this year. I've changed so much since then.

    Back then, I had my whole life laid out before me. Art was what I wanted to do in life, theatre and music especially. Writing plays was the main thing I always wanted to do, also composing music, possibly writing my own concept album, that sort of thing.

    This wasn't just any kind of art. My art was about alienation, loneliness and isolation. It was about tortured souls. Loners. People who are too different to fit in. People who have drifted away from the rest of humanity. People like me.

    In other words, I wanted to be a voice for misfits. Speaking up for the invisible. That was my purpose. Standing up for the quiet kid in the corner. For those rejected by the beautiful people. For the man on the brink.

    I joined these forums not because I was sad or suicidal, but because I felt comfortable in a place like this, with misfits and outcasts whom I could relate to.

    I am a misfit myself. A loner, a complete recluse. No friends. Socially awkward, the usual story I'm sure you've heard countless times before. But the difference is, I was happy. Happier than I'd ever been in my life.

    Back then, I was so secure about myself. I didn't need other people to make me feel good about myself. I loved being a loner, I revelled in every aspect of it. I was alone, but never lonely. I was an individual, an eccentric, a lone poet. I was living the romanticised ideal of being a creative loner.

    I wanted to live the rest of my life this way (I'm 20), maybe retreat to a cottage in the countryside someday, to live as a reclusive man, and be dedicated entirely to my art, to follow my dreams and leave my mark on the world.

    My life was perfect. Waking up each morning, not knowing what lay ahead, not knowing when I might be inspired or moved by a sudden burst of creativity....yet always knowing that I had found myself, what I wanted to do in life, and what made me truly happy.

    My life was perfect. What could possibly go wrong?

    Think about it. What is the one thing which could have happened to me, when I least expected it to, and turn my world upside down?

    Take a guess.

    Right, here's what.

    I was struck down by the arrow. You know, the arrow.

    Looks like our friend Cupid saw a 20-year-old man with a life of serenity and happiness ahead of him and thought, "This is too cosy. Let's create havoc. Make life difficult for the young man. I'll have some fun here."

    Here's how it happened. Last year, I started an engineering degree at university. This bought me some time regarding my future writing plans, and I thought it was a useful addition to my life in terms of learning new skills, a good back-up plan if nothing else. I never intended to be an engineer after I graduate, but the degree saved me from the pressures of unemployment.

    That's when I met her. We were doing the same course. On my first day, I found myself sitting directly across the table from her. It wasn't love at first sight, though, I guess I'm not that kind of guy. It was only after talking to her a few times in the first couple of weeks that she really grew on me. I started to care about her. She was so sweet, intelligent, caring and lovely.

    I was intrigued by her from the start. In some ways, she was my polar opposite - outgoing, extroverted, sensible and responsible; I was introverted, unpredictable and apathy-ridden. Scratch the surface, though, and we shared subtle similarities: our emotional intelligence, the way we both understood the depth and complexity of human feeling; a kind, compassionate outlook towards the world; and most of all, she used to study art, so perhaps I reminded her of a part of herself which she had long forgotten about, the way she used to be before she settled on engineering.

    I love her more than life itself. I love every little thing about her. The good things and the not-so-good things. The silly little things. The way she crinkles up her nose when she smiles, and two of her top-jaw molar teeth stick out awkwardly on either side. The sound of her voice, the sound of her silly, kooky little laugh. It's as genuine as love ever can be. I just want to burst into the room, clinch her in a passionate embrace, sweep her off her feet and carry her away into the distance, to spend the rest of my life with her.

    Many of you have spent enough time on these forums to know that it's not quite that simple!

    I feel a bit drained after all that writing, I must continue this tomorrow, when I will talk about why it's not that simple, and how my feelings for her have changed my outlook on life.

    Forgive me for the long post, and for leaving you in suspense at the end, in the meantime, any comments are welcome. Again, forgive me for cutting off at the end.
  2. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    May i just say, your writing style is amazing. I mean just that post, your words jump off the page and mean something. You really have potential :)

    I'll check back here for the next post. But i'm sorry things weren't simple. It sucks when we fall in love but its just not as easy as saying 'hey i love you, lets get together,' ya know. I know what it's like, i too have been in this position a few times before.

    :hug: Hang in there :)
  3. fisch

    fisch Well-Known Member

    That's really sweet of you, Lena, I spent hours agonising over what to write yesterday. Sorry for the delay, but I think I'm ready to carry on now.....


    I remember those first few weeks of uni, when I first realised I had feelings for her. At that time, I still felt secure and in control. I was able to suppress my feelings, move them to the back of my mind. I still felt good about myself, and felt as if nothing could possibly change that. I got on quite well with my classmates, and whenever I spoke to them I was quite friendly and engaging, but I would rarely approach and initiate conversation, or socialise with them after lecture hours. It's just that I felt so secure with myself, and I didn't feel the need to prove a point to anyone or desperately seek their approval; I just enjoyed sitting there in my own space, feeling happy and peaceful inside, perfectly at ease with everything and everyone around me.

    In contrast, she was outgoing, popular and never starved for the company of other people. She didn't like segregation, and she would always approach people and talk to them no matter who they were. She was warm, caring and always surrounded by people, but never a clique. In many ways she was central to other's lives, taking responsibility, organising social events, that sort of thing.

    She was in a relationship. I couldn't possibly have told her how I felt, it would only have embarrassed her. Besides, it had to be unrequited, even if I couldn't bring myself to ever find out. I was, after all, just a small piece of her rich social tapestry, just another brick in the wall. So I kept it all inside, maintained a dignified silence. It's not like I had a choice. Anyway, my dreams and aspirations were important to me, and I felt that unless I kept her out of my mind, my writing would lose a certain edge to it.

    So I coped through the months, veiled my emotions, and passed my first year. I never quite got into the friends zone with her. She seemed to know everything about most of our classmates, who were open and honest with her, but I was always more enigmatic and mysterious. Once in a while, I would have a fairly deep conversation with her, but in between those times I always gave her plenty of space. Whenever I did speak to her, I was always very selective about the things I would tell her - there were some things which she knew about me, and some which she would never find out.

    Shortly after we finished our first year, most of our classmates, including myself, went out for a drink one night. When things got a bit messy (someone puked in a kitchen somewhere), she was the first person to take responsibility to clean up the place. I helped her, along with two other guys. I remembered how deeply I cared about her, especially around that time. If she was cold, I would have taken off my jacket and wrapped it around her. Just strong feelings like that.

    I didn't see her after that for the next three months, during the summer break. Then, a couple of months ago, when we finally met up again to start our second year, my feelings for her had started to become more intense than ever before. I couldn't push them to the back of my mind anymore. It started to consume me entirely, it was all I could ever think about. It's been this way ever since.

    I still keep the veil, but it hides a quiet sort of desperation now. I try to grasp control of my life, but it's all in vain. I think she's still in a relationship, not entirely sure, but I presume so. She still doesn't know how I feel about her.

    None of these things, however, could come even remotely close to being the worst part.

    What if you woke up one day and found out that the things which comforted you, the things which you held onto as part of your identity, suddenly felt empty and meaningless, and made you feel inferior? At the same time, what if the things you felt were petty and unimportant, suddenly took on a life of their own and reduced you to an anxious wreck? What if you changed so much, in such a short space of time, that you couldn't recognise yourself anymore?

    For the first time in years, I feel insecure. I am conscious of being an outcast, and it doesn't make me happy anymore. I feel so much self-doubt all of a sudden. I've started to care about what other people think about me, about my appearance, mannerisms, body language. I've started to care about all the things I wasn't shallow enough to care about before. How could I possibly have ended up here? I've been dragged from the periphery, from a place where I was genuinely happy, into the centre of everything, into the middle of a crowd. Sometimes the loneliest place to be is in the middle of a crowd.

    Today, I feel more like a member here than ever before. I've always related to misfits and peripheral people, but now I know what it's like to feel alone and lonely, though I would never dream of taking my own life or causing self-harm. From the outside, though, nothing's changed. The circumstances in my life haven't changed. I've changed.

    My life is still perfect. It's just the shame I'm not in it.

    (Feel free to leave any comments, there's no such thing as a bad reply. Getting things off my chest has been enough help already. I haven't told a living soul about any of it. If you managed to read through all of that, you have my admiration!)
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 12, 2008
  4. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    you write beautifully
  5. Rangoon

    Rangoon Active Member

    Really interesting.....

    So what do you think it is that has brought about this loss of confidence and new introspection? Do you think it was seeing the girl again and in some way questioning your worthyness for her? And maybe in your mind's eye you came up short? I don't know it's just if you had your shit together so well before then what was it that brought the house of cards crashing down? Have you found out why you feel different now?

    About a year ago I had it all. I had a great wife who I loved, a beautiful daughter who was our traesure, a job that paid extremely well and required very little of my time and we lived in a lovely 4 bedroom house in the Shropshire countryside. At that time I used to think to myself "It would only take one thing to go wrong and it would all go tits up". Well a year later my wife left me, took our daughter, I lost my job and will be homeless on the 12th of this month. My point is that even when we think it is all perfect, we are all, or most of us, are standing on sugar pedestals, and when the first bit of heavy rain comes that pedestal will dissolve, leaving you stranded.

    You had your head together but all along without knowing it you were not as secure as you thought, it's a shame. But what is your plan to get back to the happier self? Do you think it is just a temporary crisis of confidence or are you in it now for the long haul?

    Good luck anyway and it was a well written story.
  6. fisch

    fisch Well-Known Member

    Rangoon, you've brought up some very interesting points. I'll have to think very carefully before giving you some honest answers. At the moment I've got this assignment-type piece of coursework to do at uni, so I'm afraid I will only be able to answer your post in a week's time.

    Don't worry, it won't be another mammoth-sized post. :smile:
  7. fisch

    fisch Well-Known Member

    My problems now are more to do with social anxiety. I wish I always knew the right thing to say, wish I was a funnier and more interesting person in conversation, I guess.

    She's not the biggest of my worries anymore. One day, about 2-3 weeks ago, I made the decision to give up on her completely, even though I still care about her. Whenever I think about her now, I still yearn for two things: to give her a hug, and also to say something to make her laugh. I'd settle for that now, it's a relief not to have the burden of wishing for something more.

    I don't know how I lost confidence, unrequited love probably triggered it, and I guess I realised that being a recluse can't solve all your problems. I tend to experiment with my voice, mannerisms, etc; I actually care about what others think of me these days. If only I could be magnetic with people without really trying.

    Ah well, I'll be all right, I suppose. Who knows, maybe one day, among all the self-doubt and idle dreaming, everything could work out for me in the end.
  8. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    You sound exactly like me almost a year ago.

    I was in the unrequited boat over one girl, yearning and desperate for affection and her smile. Taking things as a simple greeting from her to me as something so special. She made me truely happy, like a drug. One thing Im relieved to have done was hug her in front of her friends and she was so pleased and told me she loved me, but then at that moment I realized she really didn't care about me romantically and I eventually lost myself. She too was in a relationship, with an old fake friend; I tried to keep my distance when we first met but she commenced it and insisted on tugging my heart strings. Eventually she shattered m heart and my only decision was to get over it. She turned me into an empty soul by teasing my uninformed soul of true affection. Now, I can't stand to see her smile at all, I can't stand her presence anymore, she became something different to me, and now looking back my only regret was ever leaning on her. When I see her everyday in my class chatting up other guys it eats my insides out and fucks my head up, I even had to be excused about 6 times now just because her, and she is still unaware.

    As cheesy as it sounds, you either get over it or let the darkness consume you.
    Lol, good luck finding your way.
  9. fisch

    fisch Well-Known Member

    Thanks, good luck to you as well. :smile: