Changed the scenery but not the situation

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by messedupmarionette, Oct 3, 2008.

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  1. messedupmarionette

    messedupmarionette Active Member

    I've been cutting myself for the past 6 years. It seems like a lot of people do it as a stress relief thing, but for me it's more a matter of self-esteem. I feel like shit all the time. I don't think I deserve anything but for people to use and abuse me, and this is constantly reinforced in all of the aspects of my life.

    Now I'm in college. It's my freshman year, and I thought I was doing better. I moved 5 states away and I didn't even really get the urge to cut for the first month or so. I think that was just a kind of culture shock, though--my brain was overloaded with new stuff and so I didn't have time to get wrapped up in my own bullshit. But now I'm getting used to it--I'm starting to (kind of) meet people and they're already figuring out that they can abuse me. My two sources of self confidence in the past have been acting and performing--I don't think I'm great, but I feel ok about it--and my abilities to get good grades. Well guess what? It's all different now. I tried really hard to get a part in Rocky Horror Picture show and failed miserably, and I'm working my ass off trying simply not to fail. I have such high expectations of myself and I'm falling really, really short and I just don't know how to deal with being a failure in every aspect of my life. As long as I felt intelligent and like I was going somewhere with my life I felt like I was worth something, but now I'm struggling more than anybody I know and I feel like no matter how hard I try it's not going to be enough. I want to do well, I want to feel self confident, but I'm ugly, I've got the personality of a wet mop, and I'm a complete idiot.

    And what's making it worse is that I have a scholarship in order to go here--if I lose it I'll have to transfer, or maybe drop out altogether, and I have to maintain a GPA of 3.0 or higher to keep it, which seems really impossible right now.
  2. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy


    I can understand what you mean about education, im finding it very hard to carry on and cope with all the tests and essays and ugh. it sucks, but you are doing the right thing. If it all does fall apart you can still look yourself in the face and say you gave it your best shot - not everyone can say that. You are one of the brave ones that goes for it. I didnt think i would get past my first year at uni, yet somehow im in my third now.

    Sorry, im talking rubbish, but i do care and im sorry you feel like this. If you ever want to chat just PM me

    Stay strong :hug:
  3. purplefizz

    purplefizz Senior Member

    School is an overwhelming source of stress. I know this isn't much, but I'm currently taking 2 classes I really struggle with. School has always just been easy for me, and now it's not. I just have to try harder and accept the feelings. I'm sorry that you're struggling with low self esteem, because that's really all it is. You're smart, interesting, and capable. You just judge yourself too harshly. You'll never be self-condfident or successful if you keep believeing so many negative things about yourself. Rocky Horror Picture Show isn't the only show you can be in, and it certainly isn't the only opportunity you'll have. Try again next time. There are also other ways to express your artistic talent in performance.

    Take care. :hug:
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