Cheated on, "Abandoned", Family Broken

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RightLeft, Apr 26, 2013.

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  1. RightLeft

    RightLeft New Member

    Hi all,

    It's a long story but basically I'm at a place in my life that I never thought I would be.

    I think about ending my life all the time. It's been going on for months. I've never felt this badly before.

    I was never severely depressed before in my life, and never had a suicidal thought until my wife decided to leave me for a man she was having an affair with. It happened fairly quickly and painfully. As a result, we are divorcing and I see my young children half the time. I am in a foreign country with no family, a few new friends and not in much contact with her family (whom had become my second family). I feel very isolated here, and on top of it I work from home. I went back to my home country for a couple of months but was very depressed there as well.

    I've been through so many intense emotions: denial, rage, shame, panic, anxiety, sorrow, isolation, ... the list goes on.

    It's been a struggle and often I really want to end it. I've researched methods and know what I would do (won't mention it here).

    Obviously, I think it is a selfish, cowardly act which will affect a lot of people. I don't want to give my kids this legacy and cause them sorrow.

    BUT...

    I can't accept this reality of losing the person whom I loved the most and who was supposed to be my life partner. I'm in such a bad state I often think it would just be better to end it all. It would hurt others but if they knew the pain I was experiencing, they may feel some relief. I've bothered everyone because I talked about the separation for months.

    I see a lot of sad people on this board. I was never able to relate to suicidal people and chalked it up to clinical depression. I can certainly relate now. Life is hell. My desire to end my life comes from the trauma of infidelity and abandonment (being far from home), and feeling that truly I will just be struggling for years and years. Always with this hole in my heart, the innocence shattered, the trust in life broken. I have seen men who were left by their wives - many are zombies.

    The things that have kept from trying are my children, my parents and friends, fear of the possible spiritual implications of suicide, and of course trying to override the biological instinct to survive.

    The downside about continuing on is that it is depressing as hell. Inside I am dying over and over again.

    I was on antidepressants for two months with mixed results. I am not currently in therapy but I have a support network of friends whom I can talk to about my troubles. Relief is only ever temporary. Suicide sounds more and more appealing. It is a real option, and I like that.


    Anyone in a similar situation?
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for the painful situation you find yourself in. You mentioned anti-depressants with mixed results but seemed that was in the past... maybe consider again and give real time to work?

    Lots of understanding people here- please talk and let us keep help with the isolation a bit.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. Just Spent

    Just Spent New Member

    I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I can't share my thoughts at the moment. As I look across the room I see my oldest son and feel guilty for being on this site. But I'm at a loss now. I see tho others are too. I do know what you are feeling.
     
  4. Mcmanus

    Mcmanus Active Member

    Hi Rightleft.
    I cannot say that I understand what you have gone through. I do not.
    I watched my father go through something similar when I was 14. My mother left us because the could not "communicate". My dad lost his wife of 20 years, his job and his mother in a six month time span.
    He did get over it in time. He was never quite the same but did have some if the greatest times in his life after that. Like a trip to Bermuda with me, my sister and 20 of our friends. Years after he still said it was the greatest trip of his life.
    I lost him to dementia in December after a 7 year battle. I miss him.
    I think what I'm attempting to impart to you is that your depression and suicidal thoughts are acute not chronic. Acute meaning sharp, short lived, and surmountable. Chronic meaning life long or very long lasting and without a cure.
    By the way, my mother left after a five year affair with my fathers boss and friend. I really don not know how he survived that but I think had to do with having three teenagers to look after.
    I guess the story shows that our lives can go on, be meaningful, be happy, just not in the way we had previously defined them.
    I hope you find your way and wish you well.
     
  5. Marillion43

    Marillion43 Member

    Yes I have had that exact situation and I totally can relate to that dark hell of a place......but you said the key thing....and that is the exact same reason I'm still here....my children.....I can't break and devastate their hearts.....I just can't do that to them......so I suffer through hell, as you are and its soley because of that reason.....hang in there guy.....do the best you can.....get help and anti depressants possibly by a psychaitrist with therapy......but seriously do a real favor for yourself, don't drink or turn to substances.......I only say this because I have seen it quite a bit....new trap doors will open fast because that never goes well with depression, hurt and anger.....seriously hang in there and just do the best that you can for your kids family and freinds.....and ultimately yourself
     
  6. blackbirdfly

    blackbirdfly Well-Known Member

    I can relate, deeply. I'm really sorry about what happened, and not the kind of "sorry" that most people offer, I mean I would do anything to make all this pain go away for you. I can't do anything to help except to talk to you, but do know that I am 100% aware of how you're feeling, I feel the same way most of the time. I'm here if you want to talk.
     
  7. jonsmith

    jonsmith Well-Known Member

    i relate to you. i feel the same pain. it is unbearable. i also wish to die just to quell the pain
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, you sure are going through a lot, I think it is time you reached out again for professional help, some anti depressants can take 6-8 weeks to work to the full effect. It also may take a while to find the right one for you. Please, don't give up on yourself..your life is worth more than that.
     
  9. You have something to fight for, that's unvaluable. Hang on, I can see you depression going away. Maybe you still have to live what you'll remember as the greatest thing in your life.

    Just think about, the greatest thing you'll experience is yet to come. Maybe contemplating the stars one night in some isolated peaceful town, or listening to a symphony that will touch your heart, or watching your kids playing or graduating. Or in love.

    I wish you all the luck in the world even tough you don't need it, you can make this man.
     
  10. jonsmith

    jonsmith Well-Known Member

    im one those zombies you mentioned. though i was never married. i still feel the pain when she broke it off with me. i never got over her
     
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