child medical trama rape abuse

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by darcy1, Mar 11, 2012.

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  1. darcy1

    darcy1 Well-Known Member

    not sure if this is relevent here in this section but i feel like it was rape as did my therapist. was wonering if anyone else had experiences like has effected me a lot and over 35 years later i still have ptsd from it.

    i was what seemed to me… to be sexually assulted and tortured by doctors when i was 5 durring what they called a routine procedure test. it was a voiding cystourethrogram. no one told me what was going to happen or why they were doing it to me. i remember being there on the hard metal table and all of me was covered except for my penis.

    people in masks came in and said they were going to…blah blah blah…i had no idea what they were talking about and no one had prepared me before hand either by saying what was going to happen or why it was being done. i remember them trying to put in the catheter and i started screaming that it hurt and told them to stop. i was screaming and crying telling them i wanted my mom…stop stop…i want my mom! they didn’t listen and it just made them angry. they just said relax and it will be over faster.

    i said it hurt and i had to go to the bathroom…and to stop i want my mommy. they held my arms down and my legs too and continued to force the catheter in. i ended up losing control of my bladder and peeing all over them and the table and the catheder came out. i screamed for them to stop and that i wanted my mommy! they got angrier that i had lost control of my bladder and made a mess.

    any decent human being who is a doctor should have stopped the procedure right there and then and got my parents. but they didn’t.

    they just got angry and told me to relax and lay still and say cause i had gone pee they would have to start all over again. i screamed as they held me down and as far as i consider it they medically rapped me. when they finnally got it in they filled me with what i now know to be radioactive contrast dye. the floroscoppy machine started bang bang banging as they took pictures of me and then they made me get up and put me in another room. i was crying and screaming the whole time to stop i want my mommy. they never listened.

    they put a heavy vest over me and then left the room and stood behind a glass window and told me to pee into the receptical. they took more pictures with the floroscopy making loud bang bang bang noises and the pain of urinating was so bad i couldn’t stand it. it was so frightening and humiliating.

    after the procedure it hurt to pee for weeks after. i remember my parents would have to come pick me up from school at noon hour and take me home so i could sit in a bath of warm water so i could pee cause they had irritated the urethra so much with the whole procedure and the radioactive dye they injected me with that i peed out. every time i went to the washroom for abut a month it seemed like…i had to do it in a bath tub willed with warm water. screaming and crying about the pain.

    to this day i am terrified of doctors and hospitals and any kind of medical procedures. i have had a life of fear and anxiety, depression, developed an std as well and hate doctors and see hospitals as torture chambers.

    i had forgotten about the procedue for a while but one night while grown up i watched the movie ‘the exorcist’…and seeing the medical tests they did on the girl in the movie brought all the terror back.

    from a young age i have felt…the world is not safe. doctors are bad people who hurt you. and don’t trust anyone.

    i have ptsd, body dysmorphic disorder anxiety and depression that i link back to this procedure.

    i wish the doctor was still alive cause i would love to sit down in his office and tell him the hell he caused me and how it has effected my life.

    my parents feel really bad but they didn’t know what the procedure was going to be and said if they had any idea of what was goin on in the operating room they would have stopped it immediatly.

    i have attemted suicide before. i spent many years self medicating with alcohol and pot…quit all those but am now addicted to valium to calm my nerves.

    i have to go to see a psychiatrist in a couple days and am scared of going to the hospital again cause any time i enter one it all comes back…and i have panic attacks.

    is it just me or was that a really bad doctor? anyone with human decency would have stopped the procedure and gotten the parents if the child was in that much distress…but he just kept going and got them to hold me down.

    there is this darkness in me that has resided since that event that i know will never be healed. not on this level of human consciousness.

    i will try suicide again and it will work and i will finally leave this barbaric medical torturing world where people are drugged and radiated and sliced and diced. the medical establishment disgusts me.

    to the doctor who did it to me. how dare you! i hope he relived the feelings i went through when he died and has his life flashback.

    this test was a life defining moment for me and i have never been the same since. i hate this world.
  2. Tea_at_Four

    Tea_at_Four Staff Alumni

    That was a very bad doctor, and he brings shame on all of the decent and compassionate practitioners out there. My first trip to the gynecologist was pretty appalling, and I still do not talk about it 26 years later. You are very brave to share your experience here.

    My housemate has horrible early memories of being taken into surgery as a child. He has been doing Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR) to help with his PTSD, and has had good results. Read up on it on the 'net, perhaps it could be of use to you. You deserve a life without this experience plaguing you.

    Take care.
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