Until yesterday, every psychiatrist I have ever spoken to has said the root of my problems is the death of my father when I was nine, but I've always felt like this was like finding a shortcut to my problems. My new doctor has come to the conclusion that I suffered from child depression, and the fact that it began around the same time as my dad dying is more coincidence than anything else. Because of the timing everyone put my behaviour down to grief (cutting, severe panic attacks), and because I was only young I didn't know what was going on myself. So because I didn't get help, I have basically suffered severe bouts of depression every few months for the past ten years, because the difference between depression and grief is that grief eventually gets better. Although its pretty scary to hear so late, its refreshing to finally have a psychiatrist who looks beyond my dad's death, doesn't define me with it or try and find a shortcut. I always knew that there was something running deeper than just feeling sadness, even as a young child, which is depressing in itself to be honest.