Childhood experiences affecting my love life

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Theowin, Feb 1, 2015.

  1. Theowin

    Theowin Active Member

    When I was a child I was molested and because of this I have a deep traumatizing fear of oral sex. I'm going to keep this vague to avoid offending anyone but any time I feel pressured to take part in anything involving mouth and genitals I am filled with panic. I cry and try to escape even though the person who caused my fear is no where near me.

    My boyfriend of over a year knows this but he told me today that he's been unsatisfied for months due to lack of oral sex. It felt like he was blaming me for not trying but I'm so scared of doing something like that. It feels wrong. My boyfriend and I got into an argument about it for the better part of the day. I thought he'd be more considrate of my past, at least handle the topic gently but he didn't.

    He was rude and cold to me. He hasn't shown me affection all week prior to this. He wouldn't hold me or say I love you. He kicked me out of his apartment for a couple days saying I was cheating on him even though I would never do that to him. I make him that misearable and this means that much to him I guess. I'm scared I won't be able to make him happy and he will forever be miserable with me. But I can't help think, someone who ignores the emotions I go through when put under that kind of pressure doesn't deserve a forever with me, miserable or not.
    I don't know how we can both walk away from this situation happy.

    Can anyone give any suggestions on how to make him understand why I'm not ready to do something like that?
     
  2. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    do other types of sex not satisfy him?
    ask if he d go to counselling or some such with you where he d also hear a professional s view point
    suggest some other sort of sexual thing you both haven t tried yet
     
  3. Theowin

    Theowin Active Member

    I've asked him to go to couselling with me but he refused. I thought he was satisfied but I guess it wasn't like that. I'm just a disappointment to him.
    I honestly don't know what else to do. I will look into new things and see what we're able to try and see if that pleases him. But for how long will he be pleased before he grows bored with me again?
     
  4. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    are you back at his appartment? suggest also spending some quality time other than sex?
    man must really feel desperate for oral sex if he gets mean about it, try to distract him with other activities while you search for the new help methods?
     
  5. Theowin

    Theowin Active Member

    I took the weekend to stay with my mom. My dad recently left her and she hasn't been well off.
    We do other things around our work schedules. He's never been like this before. It's like he's not even the same person. he doesn't even try to see how I feel. he acts like I'm purposefully just refusing him something for the pleasure of saying no. He has no idea how much I want to make him happy. I just can't do that. not yet. I think some day I'll be less traumatized and able to cope with the fear but right now..this is just making it worse. I don't understand why he's doing this to me.
     
  6. storm

    storm Well-Known Member

    Honestly if he was treating you poorly because you can't perform a certain sexual act then that is a major red flag. If I were you I'd leave him. But I'm not you so the best I can say is to try to explain it again. He should respect what you can and cannot do. I can't do oral either for the same reasons so I understand.
     
  7. Theowin

    Theowin Active Member

    I'm sorry you had that experience but it helps me to know I'm not alone.
    I've considered leaving him but we've been through so much I can't fathom being without him. But maybe it'd be better that way.
     
  8. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    or just give him space so to speak and have a time out
     
  9. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    Well said Storm.
    He is being unreasonable and selfish. Sex should be an act of love between people, not just satisfying the fantasy's of one partner. As hard as it will be for you I pray you have the strength to walk away from this person and find someone who will truly care for you.
     
  10. storm

    storm Well-Known Member

    ^^ I also pray you have the strength. I think you would be a lot better off without him. There are men out there that respect women. You will find one :) He doesn't deserve you if he's treating you like this. He doesn't really deserve anyone for that matter.

    I was in an abusive relationship too and couldn't make myself leave until i met someone that woke me up to the situation and made me leave him. He's a great friend and I pray that you have someone in your life that can do that for you too. Stay strong :hug: