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Childhood trauma

Anonymous ID

Well-Known Member
#1
I am still having troubles understanding my childhood trauma and I find that I can't talk about it to anyone because I don't know what to call it or whether I should be so ashamed of my involvement in it that I shouldn't tell anyone to avoid judgment.

i was very very young when I had my first sexual experiences. I was asked to do some pretty disgusting things at a young age before I knew what they were or what they meant. The kid or asked me to do it was my age so idk if I can get angry at them because they got the knowledge of how to do that stuff from somewhere. But I do get angry and physically assault them in my dreams. I get so angry at them and then I get so angry at myself for going along with it and doing what I did. Besides getting bad dreams it's really messed with my sex life. I haven't had sex since I remembered this suppressed memory 7 years ago. It just all seems so disgusting now. I even remember an instance where someone saw and told me I was disgusting. And then I also feel bad about myself for being able to forget it for so long. Can I call it sexual assault or what? Who do I get angry at? Who's fault is it?
 

Angie

Fiber Artist
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#2
It is not your fault, it is never the child's fault. Yes, from the sounds of it you were molested, and yes, it "counts" even though the perpetrator was your age. You were young, and had no frame of reference to know what was happening. (I didn't understand until I was 12ish years old)

I urge you to find a therapist that specializes in trauma and PTSD. Thats the key that will unlock the prison of these memories. Therapy takes a long time but it does work for victims of molestation.

I wish you all the best in your journey to being whole. Please let us know how you are doing.
 
#3
whether I should be so ashamed of my involvement in it
You have nothing to be ashamed of. You didn't do anything wrong. It's never the fault of a child that they were sexually abused.
Maybe there are some places where people who are ignorant about child sex abuse would pass judgement, but no one on SF is going to do that.
Can I call it sexual assault or what?
Yes, you can certainly call it that.
Who do I get angry at?
I think it's ok to be angry at the one who assaulted you
Besides getting bad dreams it's really messed with my sex life. I haven't had sex since I remembered this suppressed memory 7 years ago
I think some places allow you to have a sexual surrogate as part of therapy. A sexual surrogate is a professional who has sex with you as part of your therapy. Whether that is a good idea or not, or if it is allowed where you are, I don't know, but it may help to know that it's there.
And then I also feel bad about myself for being able to forget it for so long
It's very common for people to suppress traumatic memories from childhood. I don't think it's even necessarily a conscious choice, so there's no reason to feel bad about it. I think the memories may just get pushed down until you reach a point where you are able to deal with them, or are unable to suppress them anymore.

I agree 100% with @Angie that finding a therapist who specializes in trauma could really help.

Wishing you good things
 

KM76710

SWCA3110-SWHF625
SF Supporter
#4
Yes, call it sexual assault, be angry at the person who did it and put the blame on the person who did the attack. You have every right to do and believe all of that. The other being the same age makes no difference, some folks just have a head full of bad wiring. I agree with all of the previous comments posted here.
 

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