Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Tua, Feb 17, 2013.

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  1. Tua

    Tua New Member

    I've read a number of posts where people are saying that they're resisting suicide because they've got kids ... but in my case it's my children who are making me feel suicidal!

    I'm 63 and I've been divorced for a long time. My two children are in their 30s.

    My son and his girlfriend have a little boy who will be 6 years old next month. I'm not allowed to see him. I've no idea why. I saw him when he was just a few days old (when he was brought home from the maternity hospital) and that's the only time I've seen him. I'm not allowed to have a photo of him, so I don't even know what he looks like.
    My daughter is expecting her first baby next month. I *thought* we had a good relationship, but last month (out of the blue) she decided that she didn't want any more contact with me ... so I doubt very much that I'll be allowed to have contact with her baby either.

    I guess people must wonder what on earth is wrong with me? Nothing ... as far as I know! I'm just an ordinary person. I don't have any peculiar habits or outlandish opinions. My appearance is 'normal' and I don't have any health issues. I always used to be considered kind and thoughtful (I probably still would be kind and thoughtful if I had someone to be kind and thoughtful to!) I've never done anyone any harm. I have a nice little house beside the sea-side, with a garden that attracts a lot of wild-life.

    I taught art and art history before I retired ... and I think I would make a good grandma as I could help the little ones with painting and making things. I took early retirement from teaching to look after my Mum (she had dementia) ... Just before Mum died I started a little e-commerce business: selling craft items that I'd made at home. It was quite successful; I enjoyed making things and receiving positive comments from customers; and the little bit of profit that I made was a useful addition to my pension! Unfortunately though it was my daughter who created the website for my business ... and this morning I discovered that (without warning) she'd cancelled the account with the website hosts: so my business has disappeared into cyber-space.

    I'm wondering whether life is worth bothering about if I'm always going to be so socially isolated.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Tua, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this situation. It's so sad. Could you ask them up front what is going on, why they seem to be withdrawing from you? Maybe there has been a serious misunderstanding over something. You sound like a kind person, who wants to spend time with your family. I hope you can resolve this. In the meantime, SF is a good place to come to voice your concerns and get some support. Take care and stay safe. :hug:
  3. Tua

    Tua New Member

    Thanks Acy.
    I have asked them ... my son says it's because his girlfriend doesn't like me (no reason given for the dislike); and my daughter says it's because I said something nasty about one of my e-commerce customers (actually, I said he was "an idiot" because of the way he'd completed his order form ... it was just a 'throwaway remark' really: I wasn't being unduly harsh or vindictive).
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Tua, you sound like someone who I would like to know irl. I am sorry that your grown kids are doing this to you. Really sorry. While kids are irreplaceable, as are grand babies, I am hoping you can find community support. And people to give to. ( as well as receive from, of course) It sounds like you have much to give. It can be so painful to have so much to give and no way to give it. I do hope you can find ways to fill your life with other people. Because you deserve to have people in your life. Even if, for now they are not your beloved chidlren and grand children. Please stay alive for that future you may not be able to see at this moment :hug:
  5. Tua

    Tua New Member

    Thank you flowers. I will try to be positive ... the trouble is: apart from being upset and depressed about being shunned by my kids, I'm also very embarassed about it. For example, on the rare occasions when I have the opportunity to chat to other people they invariably talk about their families (and particularly their grandchildren). I know they must be thinking that I'm a really nasty person, or that I've done something awful to make my children want to shun me. In fact I've supported my kids through the various challenges that they've faced, as any parent would (failed relationships, serious health issues, stress at work, etc)
    I've never heard of this happening to anyone else ... so that makes me feel like a total failure as a human being.
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I understand what you are saying. But sometimes things happen that make no sense when we look at them from the obvious logical perspective. They may carry something genetically from their dad that would cause them to behave in this way. I am sorry for the shame it makes you feel. Such a painful thing you speak about. I AM sorry.

    I know this would never take the place of your chidren, but perhaps it would help you to feel better about your good heart if you volunteered to help children who might need a loving person or guiding hand and light in their life. I know its an odd idea. But it might prove to you that your heart is in fact very good. And iit may help a child who is in great need of caring ( and an artistic inspiration :) ) I hope your kids will figure things out soon. Because no mom deserves this. Especially one as caring as you
  7. Tua

    Tua New Member

    Thanks flowers ... Yes, I think you may have hit the nail on the head there: my ex-husband was a psychological bully. He eroded my self-esteem away completely, and for no apparent reason: I was never an arrogant woman or self-obsessed. I guess it's a form of control. Anyway, that's why I left him. So perhaps there is a genetic explanation for this sort of behaviour.

    Funny you should mention volunteering ... it's not an odd idea at all! Years ago I joined an 'Accommodation Project': people with a spare room in their home offered to have a homeless teenager come to live with them ... as a 'lodger' (is that a word you'd use in the USA? I'm in the UK!) The teens were either leaving local authority 'residential care', or they'd had a major fall-out with their own parents/step-parents etc ... various reasons why they'd become 'homeless'. My lodger was a nice lad: as a toddler he'd been physically abused by his parents and had been placed in local authority care for his own safety. 'Care' ends when the kids reach 16 ... so that was when he came to me: he was here for two years ... got a good job as a life-guard, and was then able to make his own way in life.
    I'm probably too old to take in a teen now ... and I think the Accommodation Project has ended (lack of government funds) but maybe I could volunteer as a 'befriender'. Thanks flowers ... you have given me something to think about!
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