C
Hello everyone.
Where do i start? I dont even know anymore. I guess i am just mad at life in general. Why does everything happen the way it does? What is the purpose of my life? I dont know that i will ever find the answers to these two questions. I have lost to much in my life for me to ever feel okay, normal. Everyone that i see or talk to ends up dying, i hate it, i guess i should just stop talking to people, they would live longer.
How many people need to die before i realize that it is my fault. No i dont really believe it is my fault, in fact i know it isnt, but there are days when the pain is crippling. I cannot get out of bed, do anything but sleep (or rather lay in bed since i dont sleep much). Let me think, in the past year and a half, i have lost Adam, Sara, Vicky, Mac, John, Brandon, other Sara, and Alice. How is one supposed to deal with all of that loss, especially when over half of them were from suicide. I feel as though i should have been there for them, i could have helped them. I guess that is why i came here, to help others. I need to know that i have made a difference in someones life, and i suppose i have based on the e-mail i got from a member here. Below is part of it.
"I want to let you know, even though I haven't written, I have been thinking of you non-stop. You have been such an inspiration for me. I have been feeling quite down and depressed, yet, your words of kindness have given me new hope. Despite how depressed and downtrodden I feel, I now know that I can count on you to give me hope and promise.
Caroline, you have such a giving and warm heart, that I cannot thank you enough for giving me vision when I thought I was blind. You are so gifted, and I can only wish to hold you and give you a warm hug in thanks to the blessed kindness you have shown me. Caroline my dear, I cannot wait to learn more about you...to discover your inner soul and connect with you at a higher level. Geesh, I hope I'm not scaring you off. You have been a fantastic friend, and I hope we can learn more about each other and deepen our relationship. Please let me know if I am being too forward, as I do not want to scare you off. You are a beacon of light to me. You have shown me truth, as I am now knowing that I am not capable of such a selfless act of suicide. This world is truly beautiful, even if it doesn't seem so at the time. I only know this because of you. "
When i read that e-mail, it literally brought me to tears, i am so happy i have helped someone. I guess it makes me feel like i am making up for all of the friends i have lost, although no one will ever be able to replace them in my heart.
Sunday was possibly the scariest day of my entire life. Nick ( the kid who raped me) left me a text saying "i am 100% positive i am drunk and i want you. I am going to come "visit" tonight, since i am home." I was out of this state, I drove for 6 HOURS to get away from that kid, as well as had police protection set up for the rest of the family and had my dad change the garage pass. He was arrested for breaking and entering and drunk in public. He spent the night in jail. I came home the following morning. And what do i realize other than the fact that i am going to be spending a week in ocean city with him. >.<
I have missed to much school. I am going to fail out. My dreams of becoming a vet are never going to happen because of this stupid depression. Stupid Horneman (the school counselor) doesnt do shit for me. I e-mailed her in a panic stricken mode the other day... this is the response i get ...
"Caroline, I am not available from 11:30 until after school today. Can someone else help you? I can put you in for tomorrow. Is that OK? Is it an emergency?"
Nice Horneman, nice...I hate you... what were you doing in the morning?
... whats that? talking to people about my neighbor i got arrested on Monday? oh well in that case, wouldn't it make sense to talk to me too? God no... i must be being irrational again, sorry. You know what... if it were not for the fact that she is in the hospital with liver failure right now, i would not give a rats ass that she was arrested, but she could die... so i care. I guess that is what happens when you weigh less than 100 pounds and drink an entire bottle of vodka, you get really sick... maybe i should give it a go... see how it works out for me... although i weigh a whopping 105 pounds, might have to drink more than a bottle for the same affect...
I must say...i am 5'7" and 105 pounds... I AM NOT ANOREXIC >.< jeez, is it not ok to be skinny? my aunt, who i closely resemble weighed 96 pounds when she graduated high school... 96 pounds at age 18... I eat, she ate, we are not anorexic, it is how we are built. Granted i cant eat alot, went to chick-fil-a yesterday and could hardly eat 2 chicken nuggets before feeling full, that is all i ate yesterday, but at least i eat.
Sorry for the length of this post... i just needed to rant a bit...actually quite a bit apparently.
Caroline
Where do i start? I dont even know anymore. I guess i am just mad at life in general. Why does everything happen the way it does? What is the purpose of my life? I dont know that i will ever find the answers to these two questions. I have lost to much in my life for me to ever feel okay, normal. Everyone that i see or talk to ends up dying, i hate it, i guess i should just stop talking to people, they would live longer.
How many people need to die before i realize that it is my fault. No i dont really believe it is my fault, in fact i know it isnt, but there are days when the pain is crippling. I cannot get out of bed, do anything but sleep (or rather lay in bed since i dont sleep much). Let me think, in the past year and a half, i have lost Adam, Sara, Vicky, Mac, John, Brandon, other Sara, and Alice. How is one supposed to deal with all of that loss, especially when over half of them were from suicide. I feel as though i should have been there for them, i could have helped them. I guess that is why i came here, to help others. I need to know that i have made a difference in someones life, and i suppose i have based on the e-mail i got from a member here. Below is part of it.
"I want to let you know, even though I haven't written, I have been thinking of you non-stop. You have been such an inspiration for me. I have been feeling quite down and depressed, yet, your words of kindness have given me new hope. Despite how depressed and downtrodden I feel, I now know that I can count on you to give me hope and promise.
Caroline, you have such a giving and warm heart, that I cannot thank you enough for giving me vision when I thought I was blind. You are so gifted, and I can only wish to hold you and give you a warm hug in thanks to the blessed kindness you have shown me. Caroline my dear, I cannot wait to learn more about you...to discover your inner soul and connect with you at a higher level. Geesh, I hope I'm not scaring you off. You have been a fantastic friend, and I hope we can learn more about each other and deepen our relationship. Please let me know if I am being too forward, as I do not want to scare you off. You are a beacon of light to me. You have shown me truth, as I am now knowing that I am not capable of such a selfless act of suicide. This world is truly beautiful, even if it doesn't seem so at the time. I only know this because of you. "
When i read that e-mail, it literally brought me to tears, i am so happy i have helped someone. I guess it makes me feel like i am making up for all of the friends i have lost, although no one will ever be able to replace them in my heart.
Sunday was possibly the scariest day of my entire life. Nick ( the kid who raped me) left me a text saying "i am 100% positive i am drunk and i want you. I am going to come "visit" tonight, since i am home." I was out of this state, I drove for 6 HOURS to get away from that kid, as well as had police protection set up for the rest of the family and had my dad change the garage pass. He was arrested for breaking and entering and drunk in public. He spent the night in jail. I came home the following morning. And what do i realize other than the fact that i am going to be spending a week in ocean city with him. >.<
I have missed to much school. I am going to fail out. My dreams of becoming a vet are never going to happen because of this stupid depression. Stupid Horneman (the school counselor) doesnt do shit for me. I e-mailed her in a panic stricken mode the other day... this is the response i get ...
"Caroline, I am not available from 11:30 until after school today. Can someone else help you? I can put you in for tomorrow. Is that OK? Is it an emergency?"
Nice Horneman, nice...I hate you... what were you doing in the morning?
... whats that? talking to people about my neighbor i got arrested on Monday? oh well in that case, wouldn't it make sense to talk to me too? God no... i must be being irrational again, sorry. You know what... if it were not for the fact that she is in the hospital with liver failure right now, i would not give a rats ass that she was arrested, but she could die... so i care. I guess that is what happens when you weigh less than 100 pounds and drink an entire bottle of vodka, you get really sick... maybe i should give it a go... see how it works out for me... although i weigh a whopping 105 pounds, might have to drink more than a bottle for the same affect...
I must say...i am 5'7" and 105 pounds... I AM NOT ANOREXIC >.< jeez, is it not ok to be skinny? my aunt, who i closely resemble weighed 96 pounds when she graduated high school... 96 pounds at age 18... I eat, she ate, we are not anorexic, it is how we are built. Granted i cant eat alot, went to chick-fil-a yesterday and could hardly eat 2 chicken nuggets before feeling full, that is all i ate yesterday, but at least i eat.
Sorry for the length of this post... i just needed to rant a bit...actually quite a bit apparently.
Caroline
