Choices to be made

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pitt Bull, Jul 27, 2007.

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  1. Pitt Bull

    Pitt Bull Member

    I told my therapist (t) that I have become more and more suicidal. I have started to pull away from family and friends. I have been walking around like a zombie at work which has pulled me away from the ones closest to me. My t tells me to hang in there that I am strong and have survived many horrible things in my past. He suggested that once I have a thought of suicide in my mind to change the thought to a happy place and go there in my mind. This is really hard to do. He also suggested that I might need to be hospitalized eiher full time or partial. He made me promise that I would not act on my thoughts and that I would reach out for help if it got worse.

    Well things have become worse and I now have a full plan and the means to commit suicide. Now I have a choice as to go against my word and commit suicide or reach out for help. I guess I am reaching out for help here and if I do not get the help here I think I will reach out by calling the crisis line.

    Here is what is going on in my life now. I suffer from PTSD and MAjor depression. My job is in jeopardy not from my lack of work but we all had to rebid our jobs. This has been going on for three months of waiitng for a decision to be made who is keepoong their jobs and who may have to leave the company. 20 people bidding for 16 jobs. I feel I did OK on my 6 interviews but am stressed about waiting so long for a responce of who got the jobs. My anniversary of last summer suicide attempt has come and gone but has brought back bad memories form my PTSD (Childhood rapes). SO much is going on that I can not bore you all with the details.

    I think I want to live but at times the pain is so hard to deal with. I think if it gets worse I will need to call the crisis team and let someone tell me what level of hospitalization is needed. Problem is that my wife and kids will be gone away for the weekend and I will not have them around to ground me and keep me focused. I fear that I will try to commit suicide this weekend.

    Any helpful advise would be appreciated. Choices to be made will be difficult but I hope I make the right choice.:sad::(
  2. suicidal maniac

    suicidal maniac Well-Known Member

    Just hang in there, maybe you should find the person who did the PTSD, and have some legal action against them. Just a thought. I realy don't know what I'm doing myself. It is getting real bad. My mind is like a pressure cooker. It's sad how our memories are ruining us.
  3. SomeGuy0

    SomeGuy0 New Member

    I may not be the perfect person to respond to you considering that I'm not in a perfect frame of mind but everything that you need is in that quote. Let me tell you a few things that not too many people can.

    By your committing suicide, your children will be much, much more prone to it, and that is only if they manage to deal with it in the first place. You will devistate and possibly ruin the life of your wife. Your children will be left without anyone to come to, because of the state your wife will be in. You never get over a loved one killing themselves, EVER. It haunts you every day, and you are constantly reminded of it. I know, because my father killed himself.

    The job doesn't matter IMHO. Who cares if it works out or not? If not, you get another one. I think you are focusing too much on it, and in truth, it's such a small part of your life whether you realize it or not. In all honesty, I would much rather have a father that lived in a crappy trailer park than none at all. Hell, I would probably be there with him right now, and we could talk about how shitty life is together :) .

    The thing that you need to focus all your attention to is your family. You said that you have been alienating yourself from them lately, and you need to do exactly the opposite. If you are having any trouble, rely on your wife. Ask her for help, and be open and honest with her about everything. If you feel yourself slipping, just remember what you have. Whether your homelife is troubled or not, these things can be easily overcome, and I would say that the closer you become to your wife and kids and the more that you realize how important you are to them and they are to you, the more you will see that it's just a really, really bad idea. No matter what happens in your life, you can face all the ups and downs of it together, and it will only make your family stronger.

    As for the shrink, I'm sorry but I'll have to disagree with him. If you are having a bad episode of your PTSD, depression or anything like that, face it full on. Feel everything that you need to feel about it to the fullest extent even if it leaves you crying on the floor, then let it go. Don't repress it. The only way to really overcome anything is to face it, and I have had to deal with this my entire life. Ask your wife to help you through it. Be open and honest with her about everything, even if you are initially ashamed of it, and trust her. It's so hard to go this road alone, and you just don't need to.

    Deep down you know that you don't really want to do this. Honestly, I envy you, because even with the tragidy that you have faced and the aftermath you have to endure, you have so much more than so many, you just don't realize it.

    As for the short term? Throw away your suicide kit (whatever it is), go play around with your kids, and kiss your wife like you are teenagers again. Hell, I'd say why sit around by yourself this weekend? Go with them on their trip. You might end up having fun :) .
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Get yourself to the hospital hun..after all what do you have to lose.
    If things have reached the point where all you can think of is suicide, its time to check into the hospital and get some help :hug:
  5. Aegis2003

    Aegis2003 Active Member

    What is PTSD?
  6. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    PostTraumaticStressDisorder (i think)
  7. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    PittBull please call a crisis center or go to the ER, you are a great person and dont deserve to suffer :hug:
  8. gitana

    gitana SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi.. so, your T tells you that you are strong enough to handle what you are dealing with because you have come through some horrible things (?) May I ask, if you don't mind, have you been able to work through the horrendous things in your life that happened to you??? It takes a long time to really work thru it and be okay.. It sounds like to me that you may have alot to still work through..

    Okay... ummm. grrrrrrrrr.. sorry.. have a HUGE issue with this... I have been there many times.. and I didn't care either.. so what.. live or die.. doesn't matter to me.. at all.. How long if you don't mind me asking, have you seen this T? I have been through alot myself and with T's and pdoc's.. finding the right one who will do right by you.. however.... excuse me while I scream!!! your T told you that when you have a thought of sucide in your mind to suddenly change it to a thought of a happy place and go there in your mind!!! Yes, it is hard to do! not dissing your T if you like him but I think if this is the case, that hopefullly you will maybe check into finding another T who really understands the cycles of abuse and suicide as well as PTSD and Major Depression.. Extremely pet peeve of mine.. I have been there.. and you know what, I didn't give a shit if I lived or died.. go to a happy place in your mind.. this is known as a "suicidal trance".. I have researched alot on the subject because since I was 5 I have been very suicidal..

    How can you reach out to someone like this? okay, so you promised that you would not act on your thoughts and reach out for help.. Been there too..

    I am REALLY happy that you decided to reach out for help here.

    When will they let you know about your job?

    Is is okay to give you hugs? *****************HUGS******
    My heart deeply hurts for you.... you have alot on your plate..

    Has your T dealt with any of the childhood rapes and abuse you went through? I am so sorry that you had to go through all that.. I have blocks of memories in my childhood and growing up.. yet studying in the past, and trying to figure out things, my family is a life of secrets and lies.. I think.. I know deep within as I disassociate from trauma and can't remember that I know something happened..

    You won't bore me with any details.. I have tried to figure out why I have always been suicidal or self destructive.. in my life..

    I know the pain is very extremely difficult to deal with!

    I have PTSD and Major Depression too and other.. Hon, you need someone who understands.. Some Guy is right.. you shouldn't be left alone for the weekend.. can you go with your wife and kids? Why, if I may ask, that you aren't going? Because of the state of mind that you are in, you need to be around people and not isolate.. safety plan they call it.. We are here for you as you know but you need someone with you..Don't give in for the sake of your children..

    How many children do you have? And what are their ages? You are lucky to have children in your life.. Some of us don't.. gives one a purpose.. Listen to SomeGuy also.. what he said.. I agree. and I know this to be true for sure, it is a generational curse, if you commit suicide, your kids will be prone to doing it later.. Alot of concern here..

    Been there too.. and you know, your children love you.. Focus on your children and wife. You and your wife doiing okay? If you need to be hospitalized, so yoiu will stay safe.. then do it, okay? NO shame in that.. Your children will miss you greatly and it will really impact their life.. Also, if this is the answer from your T.. unless you feel good about him.. but there are several red flags to me, hon.. try to find someone else who understands.. and can relate to you.. where you are at..

    Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..... I understand so much and been there.. so why care? But you have a family and children... keep that as a reminder.. and find another may take some time.. but go to a happy place in your mind when you feel suicidal??!! omg.. Suidical Trance.. I learned when I got hooked up finally with a good T before budget was cut.. I wouldn't be here today talking to you.. as I have attempted seriously many times and the same stupid responses.. then it is time to find another T who understands.. and help you..

    The happy thoughts should be of your children.. what it will mean if they lose you.. Seek help and stay safe if you aren't going with them this weekend... I have been there and through alot, myself.. We all have.. and we are here to help you, be there for you, encourage you, lean on us too.. I know life sucks right now..and you have had more than what any child should have endured! What is your T thinking? I know.. have been there with T;'s and wonder why are they in this field.. You are a good person.. no matter what happened.. you still need to deal with if you haven't the trauma you endured in your life.. I know several people who have had had horrendous abuse in family in their life.. they are survivors.. enduring long time in counseling.. I am survivor and next step is thrivor.. working on painful issues that life has dealt us and we don't need to stay there but keep going forward.. Yes, it is a nightmare and yes, it is extremely painful.. but do it for your children.. then.. you are lucky to have children in your life.. stay safe.. please feel free to pm me anytime.. if you want to talk.. and just know we are here here because we care about you.. tremendously.., you are a very special person.. so please don't do anything to yourself.. enjoy your family.. and if you feel that you need to go to hospital, then do so.. ok? To be in safe place.. Remember, keep thinking of your wonderful children and wife..

    I know when one is depressed. one starts to isolate.. from everybody.. you need people.. I hope you won't shut us out.. we are here for you and I know very well the deep horrendous pain you feel as many of us can relate..

    *****************Many HUGS*****************


    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2007
  9. painsource

    painsource Well-Known Member

  10. onenineteen

    onenineteen Antiquities Friend

    That is exactly why I would never act on my impulses, no matter how strong. Fear of any harm to my children always brings me back. Being the father here and now is so important and I still respect my dad for the choices he made, good and bad, even though he has been gone a long time.
  11. Darph

    Darph Member

    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2007
  12. Pitt Bull

    Pitt Bull Member

    Well I am back and trying to get through this hard time. I went into the hospital and received some help. Thank you to all those who responded and offered their advice. I will apply all that I can so that I can stay with my family. I do not know how long I will be strong but with each day passing I look at it as another day I made my kids happy. At this time I am living for my kids and wife but I need to learn to live for myself. I am starting to do things that use to make me happy in hopes that they will make me happy again and then build from there. To answer the question about my kids ages they are 18, 11, 9, and 4.:biggrin::rolleyes:
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