Choices

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Avarice, Apr 14, 2010.

  1. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I need to admit some things.. get them off my chest and make them real. So here it goes. When I was 17 I fell in love with someone over the internet only for them to cheat & two-time me with a string of other girls on the internet - some my friends, some my enemies and some a mere 13 years old. It broke me in two and I've never been the same since. Regardless of this, I stayed with this person; I felt like I couldn't get by without them, that they were the only person in the whole world that actually listened to me and cared about what I had to say. They seemed to enjoy talking to me and I thought we had something special. Turns out he had that "something special" with all his other girls too. I went looking for more information, about the things he said to them and their relationships; even now the things I read that he said to them are burned into my memory. I regret that very much, but at the time, I thought it was what I needed. It's been almost two years since we first met and I fell in love and well over a year since I found out about his betrayal. This time last year we were watching a movie together in a B&B in England, spending the last night of our first meeting together. To this day we still have contact, but we aren't 'together'. I don't think I love him anymore, and I think he knows this. I haven't been "in" love with him for a very long time, but within the past six months + I've felt myself caring less and less about him with every day. When we first met we used to talk a good 15 + hrs a day if we got the chance, but recently we barely even manage to keep the conversation going for longer than 15 minutes at a time, and the only times we do are when we're fighting. Every time I am around him I am annoyed, angry, hurt, hateful ... he makes me miserable in ways nobody else can, yet I keep talking to him because I'm lonely. I have nobody there to listen to my problems or care about what I have to say other than him. I treat him like shit because he deserves it, but I like having him there because it makes me feel less lonely and I know that if I wanted to, I could talk to someone about my problems. I like having that option. I know he'll care, to a degree, unlike some random stranger or old friend would pretend to do. I feel anxious around people; everyone. He's the only person I've ever felt 100% comfortable with, and I know if I let that go I'll probably never find it again. I'm fearful that I'll never marry or have kids because no other man will ever want me, or I won't feel comfortable around them.

    So there you have it really. I have two choices: leave him behind and be lonely and depressed for the rest of my life, or keep him in my life and be miserable and hurt for the rest of my life but still have a shot at marriage and children. I wish I had the strength to choose the first option, for both our sakes, but I don't. So I put up with the pain and the misery cause in my mind, there's nothing worse than living and dying completely alone. :blue:
     
  2. Xenos

    Xenos Well-Known Member

    Yo, Avarice..

    I had no idea that you were going through that damn crap... I'm really sorry that he hurt you in that way. If you do need someone to talk to, there's always me lol. I need someone to talk to every day =)

    A friend of mine didn't get married until she was about 29. But for the time being, she told me she worked to better herself until she found the man of her dreams. I mean, Better herself as in she learned new talents useful in a family, hobbies to entertain herself, and most importantly, strengthened her self-esteem. She tried not to think too much about getting married, and focused on enjoying life the best she can until the man came along. Idk, just reading your story reminded me of that, and I thought to share it with you. =D

    :hug:
     
  3. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Hey Xenos, thanks a lot for replying.

    I can kinda understand your friends logic there. It might help me a lot to adopt a similar kind of mind-frame so that I can stay focused and work towards bettering myself for when the time comes. I think I worry too much though and since I don't really get out much or meet new people, idk, might kinda feel like it's all for nothing. >_<

    Thanks for the offer to talk, and I'll definitely do so if I feel the need. Matters of the heart tend to take a long time to explain and hash out though. D;
     
  4. Xenos

    Xenos Well-Known Member

    You know, I think we have plenty of time think about marriage 'n whatnot, and I mean YEARS of time. I wouldn't say that it's all for nothing. If you're still worried, you can start now and do something about improving yourself. If you wanted to buy a game, you'd take the action to work, save up cash for a month or 2, then go buy it... right?

    Haha, don't worry about how long it'll take to explain something... if it helps to let it ALL out, then take your time and go ahead. :hug: