Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Mar 17, 2011.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    When we feel like we have no choice, what are our choices?

    If we feel stuck because of a situation, who is at fault? Me or the situation? How to get past this or move forward? I'm not sure.

    What does the future hold? If theres no effort to help one's self, what am I meant to do? How can I help if she won't help herself?

    What happens when things get really bad? Is help then still going to be refused? How is that fair on me to deal with?

    How is it fair of me to complain now? Suck it up and deal, as they say.

    But its hard, its so hard. When others don't understand it all and theres nowhere to turn and no one to turn to. This is my life, what do I do?

    No choices, trapped - but how guilty I feel for feeling this way. Its not right nor moral, just my twisted view.

    How can I find peace for myself when I can't do things right for her, when I can't get away... get a break.. have some me time? How long is this going to go on for? Why can't I just accept and be more compassionate?

    Am I really this horrible, horrible person? Think of all this person has done for me, yet when they need me now I want to run. Just run, anywhere, to breath for a little bit.

    So, no choices here.

    Stay strong they all say - yet they can't see me disintegrating before their very eyes.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have to have that time for just YOU or you will be no good to anyone do you understand Take 10 min a day even and just do something kind for YOU okay it is necessary to preserve your own mental health get some therapy to help YOU cope with all you are dealing with hugs
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks Total Eclipse -

    im in therapy. and im really trying re the time every day. its just harder some days and today or really this evening/tonight is one of those times. i hate my thoughts and wishing to get out and run. ah nevermind, but thanks.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i hate the thoughts too i just hope you can do something kind for YOU okay take warm bath a walk just time for you I am glad you are getting therapy hugs to you:hugtackles:
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks, means a lot.

    just a bad one, like I said. can feel myself starting to sink and dont want to go there. need to figure things out and a way to make this person realize they really need to help me too, so i can be there for them.

    its tough going when this special person can make you feel as tall as a blade of grass, perhaps without even realizing or meaning to. (or so i hope) it just sucks the life out of me.

    and then frustration starts to build and a whole host of other feelings and im not sure how to deal, how to handle it all.

    thanks for the hug, sure could use some right now.
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    todays choice update -

    pretty much zilch and who gives a shit anyhow? who cares?

    ehhh no one. nothing new there. i seriously question why i bother.

    what to do, what to do, what to do?
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Can't people see the real me? the confusion and pain and anxiety? Perhaps my mask is too good, too much practice over the years.

    And longing for those to reach out to me, but I know they won't. They'll disappoint me. Why should i expect otherwise? If I'm this strong person they see, wouldn't I too assume all is just fine?

    And when I'm not not extremely trusting, why should they trust me in return?

    It would be a pleasant surprise for someone to reach out for a change, to have someone care. But nope. Its cancelled plans and no return emails and all of that. Then I feel stupid for putting myself out there, whats the point?

    And isn't here just the same? Who really cares? And when folks say they'll be there, and then they are not, thats tough. For all my silly talk I take things to heart, which pisses me off. I shouldn't let it, but I do - over and over.

    Its ok, some day I'll learn to just quit trying. Theres only so many times I can keep running into this brick wall.
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Perhaps there should be a section for disillusioned and dismayed people.

    Why does this have to be so, so hard. I'm tired of it all - of pretending, of merely existing, of being me, and of not being me and of course tired of questioning all.

    I need my mind to take a break, to slow down, to stop over-analyzing everything.

  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Ugh morning, already, without a good sleep. Lots of thoughts, images running through my mind overnight. Not very pleasant.

    I'm tired and I hope today is better.
  10. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i hope today has been a better day for you hon xx
    damn these times zones i would have reached out to you
    hope you sleep better with lots of good thoughts and images in your mind (((hugs)))
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Oh, today turned out suprisingly better, one of the best days in a long time...

  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I need to vent. Am scared tonight. Are people just taking the piss, are they who they say they are, are they laughing at me. This is not good. The fear is taking control. I don't like this, thought I was past it. Here is reality with a slap to the face. I think deep inside I know I'm not over it but maybe I was hoping I'd buried it deep enough inside so it wouldn't resurface. I'm sad, if its true.

    Now what do I do. Is my mind completely wired wrong, all those self doubts have come rushing to the forefront again. I don't want to allow myself to be taken advantage of. Trust is so hard.

    Just scared, don't like this.