Choking in my own heart

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by LonerForever, Mar 31, 2011.

  1. LonerForever

    LonerForever Well-Known Member

    I kinda feel guilty for posting this here. I feel like I'm reaching breaking point though. Also, please know I hate myself for this.

    Last May I met a girl on Myspace. It was just one of those random adds. Being depressed and alone at the time, I saw it as a great opportunity to make a new friend. So I introduced myself and we got talking from there. Despite the fact that we had little in common, it didn't push us away and we soon found that we had one thing in common; depression.

    As much as depression is a terrible thing, I took happiness from the fact that I knew someone who I could relate to. I could talk to them, like they could talk to me, and we would both know how we were feeling and how difficult it is to climb out of the pit.

    True enough, our reasons for being depressed were different. My mood just randomly bounced around whenever it felt like it and my friend was depressed due to her boyfriend. I'm the type of person who whenever I see someone else in trouble, I have to help them no matter what the history is between us. I know what it is like to be alone and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So straight away I tried to commit myself to her, to make sure whenever she needed someone there would be someone there.

    Whenever she was at work I made videos or voice messages for her because I knew how much she liked hearing and seeing me. I wrote a blog about my life for her, because it made her feel like she was here somehow. Whatever she was feeling, I had a solution for it.

    After a few months of helping her, I knew that there was something huge that had gone on between her and her boyfriend in the past. It wasn't something she would let me in about and I respected her decision. Instead I just helped with what I could. Basically, her boyfriend was being a top class idiot. Rather than being a good boyfriend, he seemed to concern himself with doing really stupid things that made my friend feel like shit. Every single time she tried to stand up for herself he just fed her emotional blackmail that ensured she stayed in his control.

    This is where I start to hate myself.

    Being so close to my friend... I started to develop feelings for her. I didn't tell her. I just continued helping her to make sure I never lost her as a friend. I kept my promise to myself. But when that feeling took hold, that I did more than care for her, it became harder and harder. I became depressed over it myself and somehow managed to blame myself for the things that were going wrong for her. If she was still feeling bad then it was my fault. I was failing her.

    Things took a turn for the worst. The day before Christmas Eve last year there was a massive argument between my parents and I. After a lifetime of failing me and not giving a damn about my upbringing, they suddenly decided that at age 18 it was time to start being parents. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. They would lecture me about morals and other rubbish I probably already knew more about than they did. This combined with their radically racist and homophobic views (I'm bisexual) on the world meant that for the first time I actually spoke what was on my mind. They didn't like it, especially my Dad who still believes that the best solution is a firm first. I felt like I didn't have anywhere else to go. I had no friends I could have turned to as my online friend lived at the other end of the country and I had no family who I could trust.

    I started thinking of other things which had went wrong in my life as well. First, the bullying when I was at school. I pictured the bullies faces and the expression of hate they wore whenever they saw me. I saw my friend, who I had failed for not being able to make a difference. I'd failed her falling in love with her when it was the last thing she needed. I saw my ex girlfriend who had left me for a guy she had never met then wished me dead for an offence I knew nothing about. The night ended with a dozen new cuts on my body and me standing on a bridge. I messaged my friend telling her what I was going to do, barely being able to see the screen of my phone through the tears.

    But as much as I wanted to jump... I couldn't. I froze up every time I tried to gather the strength to do it. I just stood there crying on the bridge. After around an hour I received a reply from my friend. She needed me. She wanted me in her life for as long as fate would let it. I never thought for one minute that she cared for me in anything like the same way I cared for her. She gave me hope in a time when I had none, simply for the three words 'I need you'. From that moment on when she saved me, my love for her has burned fiercely. I still helped her with her boyfriend, but she also encouraged me to come out to her and be truthful rather than hiding it away. She took comfort from the fact that it wasn't really her fault she was feeling bad, but rather the fault of her messed up boyfriend.

    After this I was high pretty much most of the time. Not on drugs, but on emotion. I knew it was wrong what we were doing. If she was taken then I had no right to tell her if I loved her or not. Despite this we started doing everything together (or rather as much as anyone can do in a long distance friendship). We Skyped every night, phoned every day, texted till we fell asleep and kicked each others butts on Guitar Hero.

    Inevitably, she became confused. She disappeared for a week. She turned her phone off, deactivated her social networking sites and refused to reply to any emails. Almost as suddenly as it began, I fell again. Not having anyone at all to talk to, I just absorbed myself into my University work and became anti social towards everyone, including my classmates.

    When she came back she was a different person. She had gone back into her shell and nothing I said could make her come out again. I was lucky if I got to talk to her for half an hour a week. It was agony to be truthful. We had gone from having the perfect friendship to silence in just as few weeks. It hurt more than when she disappeared the first time. It was just like the friend I knew and loved had died. Eventually she sent me a message. She said she thought the reason why it wasn't working with her boyfriend was because she was falling in love with me. She said she was going to give it another go with him and she hoped we could still be friends.

    The main issue I took with this was that even before she sent the message, we were barely friends. She had clearly made her decision weeks before she sent it and had just kept me hanging in limbo. I was angry at me for getting so involved, and hurt that despite saying she needed me, she could have kept me hanging for so long. My reply was simply 'Okay.'

    We pretty much stopped talking after this. I receded even further into my work as I watched her post statuses online about how she was going out with all these different friends and how things were going so good. It felt like she never really needed me in the first place. I started self harming again.

    Then she tried talking again. It was awkward at best. I told her nothing of what was going on in my life or what I was feeling. She just started moaning of how things with her boyfriend were going pear shaped again. Immediately I tried to help her again, despite what she had done. I couldn't help myself. This happened time and time again, only talking when she wanted something off me. Eventually it got to the point where she finally left him... Or rather thats what she said she had done. Over the space of a few months she got back with him and left him half a dozen times till he knew she would just come crawling back again. It seemed the both of us were spiraling down into a bottomless pit with this loser, a guy I had never met, controlling the both of us.

    People have left me for less than this. But I keep soldiering on, hoping that the end will come soon and I will have my friend back. I've kept loving her and fighting for her through the pain and frankly, I've tortured myself so she can get a peaceful nights sleep. But now I don't know what to do anymore. I love her with all my heart and I want to be with her as her boyfriend, as more when the time comes. I literally breathe for her and when we don't talk I get paranoid and depressed. I feel like I'm trapped in a web I've constructed and the longer this goes on, the stickier the web is becoming.

    I know a lot of people have experienced a lot worse than I have.

    I know its a long shot... But does anyone have any advice?
  2. spleen

    spleen Member

    Matters of heart is nothing to be ashamed of or feeling guilty about.

    Frankly, I think you'll have to decide what you want. If you want requited love, you might have to look elsewhere. Maybe just the feeling that someone you love needs you occasionally is enough to keep you happy.

    Just be wary of ending up a martyr, sacrificing yourself on the altar of selfless love for someone that perhaps doesn't even appreciate the gift. I know that it might be tempting for a romantic soul to suffer silently for someone else, but the world won't be a better place if you end up not being able to cope with the emotional pain of doing that, literally pushing you over the edge.
  3. LonerForever

    LonerForever Well-Known Member

    I talked to her last night and this morning. She made it pretty obvious she only wants to use me, nothing more.

    On the plus side, one of my friends has offered to go to the doctors with me to get help with this depression. Fingers crossed :)
  4. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that I don't have any useful advice to give, but I read your post and I'm sorry for what's gone on. If it helps any I really don't think any of it is at all your fault. All you did was be there for a friend despite the fact that sometimes it hurt you because of your feelings for her.

    You need to let her know that she can't just pick you up and put you down whenever she feels like it; make her realise that she has to respect you as a good friend of hers or you can't be friends at all.

    I wish you luck with both your friend and the doctors. :hug:
  5. LonerForever

    LonerForever Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I think that the next time I talk to her I have to draw the line. As much as I hate being selfish, I need to think of me.
  6. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    It's not selfish at all - it's self-preservation. Stay strong. =]