choosing death

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Malcontent, Nov 12, 2008.

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  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I'm so sick and tired of my life. Tired of the pain, of not being able to walk properly, of feeling sick all the time. Tired of going through everything alone cos I'm too scared to trust anbody. Tired of the lies I've been told, of never being good enough, of always running everything over in my head to make sure I'm doing the right thing and not hurting anyone and yet still managing to fall short. How much is one person reasonably expect to take before they break? I can't talk about all of it here, I'm too scared of being vulnerable. And too scared that if I shouted out for help and begged for somebody to listen to me there'd be no one there. I want to believe that the people who know me could honestly say that I've made their lives better in some way, but there's always doubt there. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust in anything, or ever be really good at something, or ever be truely important to someone. There's no point to my existance, there's no point to anything. Everybody dies. I just want to be able to choose how and when I die, not die in pain alone and forgotten. I just wanna slip away quietly and peacefully, knowing that I did the best I could. I've always tired my hardest, this is it, I've got no more to give. I'm exhausted, wiped out, done with it. I'll carry on, I'll keep hiding all of it. Until I fall so hard I can never get back up. It's better to die now, at least I'll be my choice. I'm pointless, my life is pointless. If my death is the only thing I have control over then I want use that control and die while it's still my choice.

    But of course, I'm just whining and I'll be fine. Finey fine. Yup.
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    PM me anytime :smile: I'll listen. 'K? :hug:
     
  3. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Sometimes we all just need a chance to let it all out, to get things off our chance. Don't worry about whining :hug: It's perfectly fine. Feel free to pm me if you wanna talk :)
     
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please don't give up malcontent. :hug:
     
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I wish I could erase all those doubts you have inside Mal. I know there are people who's lives have been made better by the fact they know you. You have made a difference and you will make a difference in the future. Don't set your standards so high that they are impossible for you or anyone else to attain them. I am here if you need someone to listen or vent to. I am not running away from you. :hug:
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Malcontent,
    Boy it sounds like you are bombarded with negative thoughts from things not going your way. I know how you feel about nothing you do will ever be good enough.
    I helped my brother build a new barn. four stalls on one side, then a breezeway, and a tack room and feed room on the other side. My aunt and uncle were here visiting my mom and dad. We all did the family thing at my brothers and they all heed and hawd on how good a job he did buildg. it, not the first one said anything to me about doing a good job. I just turned around and walked off. I gave him a year and half of my time to help!!!
    So you see you can have good intentions and be ignored for your help. Now he is buildg. a new shop and wants my help doing it. I don't have it in me to go thru that again. Hell my sister is just as bad, she keeps volunteering my services. It doesn't even fase her that I am an isolationist and it takes alot to get me out of the house.
    I hope you understand what I am saying, you are not alone, you have several friends here at the forum. I rely on the support I get here. To hell with every one else. I am going thru a tough time also, leaning very hard to ending it, I had several friends here who have offered support to me. I have put it off because I set myself a goal to straighten out my problem. If that doesn't help then it will be all she wrote for me. I know how you feel being hopeless. I have been hanging on for fifteen years by setting goals for myself. No major ones, just some that are acheiveable. You have to start throwing in some positives in with that mess your in. The poitives will slowly start kicking the negatives ass!! Please don't harm yourself give your life more of a chance. Set those goals because when you acheive them that will give you a positive thought you can use for ammo. I hope some of this helps you!!Good Luck!!~Joseph~
     
  7. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    never doubt that your exisitance has had some positive effects on those around you during your life, the negative feelings that we go through always smothers the positive and we forget what good times we had.
    i understand the trust thing, it is hard to allow someone in to your world and see you for who and what you are, to be vulnerable to outside world.

    never give up the fight, you are stronger than you realise and there is always something to work towards, even if it is something small, that goes for you too joesph.

    sstay safe
     
  8. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I appreciate the offers to talk, but it really isn't that simple. It'd take a hell of a long time for me to be able to explain it all, and no offense to anyone but I don't think many people would actually be able to understand. It's not just my negative thoughts that are the problem (though I know I do have them), it's me, it's everything that I am. Imagine that your whole sense of identity, your personality, a fundamental aspect of who are was actively killing you. Everything that you thought was true about yourself was just a symptom. And you had to choose to be who you know you are and live a life in pain, alone and probably dying younger than you should. Or you could be healthier and happier and not seen as a freak anymore, just as long as you deny who you are and how you've felt for your entire life. What would you choose? Would you really choose to live a lie and pretend to be someone you're not? I'd rather die by my own hand and not live in shame of who I am.
     
  9. Rock

    Rock Member

    i know what you feel mal thats kinda same like me well but feel free to pm with me
     
  10. ya i hear ya on the pointlessness, if ya wanna pm me go for it. i am prob not in the best shape to offer good advice right now, but i understand that pain all to well. i just made a pretty close to similar post just a bit ago "tired of bein alone..."

    of course i rambled on a bit in every direction, but i digress... i have to beleive that there is a point somewhere in all this madness, but i'll be damned if i can find it.
     
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