Christmas can kiss my arse. I'm already sick of it and can't wait for it to be over. My step-mum passed away last year and this is our second Christmas without her. I am dreading this Christmas a lot more than last Christmas and I found that strange. I spoke to someone how I was feeling and they said they felt the same way when they're dad passed away; in the first year it is weird without them, in the second year you KNOW they are gone and you are trying to deal with it and that made perfect sense. I still think about her, a lot. I still have dreams, some good, some bad, about her. One dream I can recall is after my step-mums death when, in the dream, she didn't die. I asked her how she was and she said "I feel a lot better than I did" "honestly? are you really feeling better?" "Yes" she smiled. Then I gave her a hug. Woke up to the reality that I can no longer feel the comfort of her hugs. I can no longer see her gleaming smile. I can no longer chase her around the house trying to take away her favourite teddy (in a fun way, not serious). A teddy I bought her, a teddy she loved. A teddy I fall asleep hugging whilst crying my eyes out. Shouting for her to come back and saying "I'm sorry" when I can grab the breath through my continuous crying. I still feel a lot of guilt. I know I could have done more and it kills me inside. If I listened, if I got another doctors opinion, if she was in hospital sooner than she was I am convinced she would still here. Each day that goes by I hope she forgives me, I hope she still loves me and I look out for the slightest signs that she is still here. The brightest star in the sky is my step-mum. I actually talk to her which may sound silly but I hope she can hear me if she is up there somewhere. I still have quite a few of her belongings that I can't throw away. After her death we were sorting things out, took a lot of her clothes to the charity shop but I held back her favourite shirt and some other bits and pieces. I have her wedding ring on my hand and I still have her purse in my bedroom - containing the exact same things that was in there when she died. She had two photos of me, a bit of money and her "lucky 50p" and a little dice which made me smile. Today I found some more things that belonged to my step-mum, items I haven't seen since her death, I'm not parting with them, I can't. One item i found she didn't get the chance to use because she became ill almost straight after I got it. The memories. The last days of her life and still there in clear view. I can recall it just like it was yesterday. I remember my step-mums last words, "tell (my name) I love her", I remember the horrible words the nurse said to me, I can remember standing next to her bed while the staff were taking tests. I remember a doctor calling me into a room saying the next 24 hours were critical. I remember breaking down at that point and staying in the room trying to compose myself before I had to say goodbye. I remember kissing my step-mum on the forehead praying and hoping I'd be able to see her the next day, and what the doctor said WASN'T true but I remember getting a phonecall the next day at 9am, saying to get to the hospital as soon as could because things weren't looking good. By the time we got there, it was too late. First time I have seen my dad actually cry. I got to say goodbye, gave her a hug, but the nurse pulled me off her. Her belongings thrown into a carrier bag and there we were, on the way home. I had to go back and get the death certificate in the afternoon. Going back to the exact same ward she died on, which was hard. I got home and sat on my sofa the entire day hugging her favourite teddy I mentioned previously in this post, trying to hold it together. She died on the day I was meant to get some exam results back, died a month before my 18th birthday. I want her to be proud. I really do. I wish she was still here SO BADLY but I need to live with it. Her presence is certainly missed around here, everything is so different, but I hang onto the hope that she is still here in spirit, because I can't bare the thought of her not being here at all. I want to make her proud, I don't want to let her down.