Christopher

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by WhatsLeftofHim, Jun 30, 2010.

  1. WhatsLeftofHim

    WhatsLeftofHim New Member

    Today its been 7 months since my soulmate, the love of my life, killed himself. I still can't believe it's real. Life has lost all meaning. I can't work, hardly sleep, drink too much, overuse my meds, I've pushed away all my friends. All I can think of is dying all the time, I'm lost without him. I wish I knew someone who has figured out how to have meaning in their life when their reason for living is gone.

    I just miss him sooooo much, it's like I can't breathe. I still can't figure out why/how he could do this. Sometimes I wonder, if he really knew how much I loved him, even though I told him I did, often. I can't wrap my head around it. How did/does he expect me to go on without him?

    Well anyway, just wanted to remember him today, (as if I could forget) and share my story since I spend a lot of time in chat.

    -Kat
     
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    My heart goes out to you. This is something I cannot ever claim to have happend to me. I do not know what you are going through but I can imagine it must be very painful. I will keep you in my prayers. Blessings..
     
  3. Edgar Roni Figaro

    Edgar Roni Figaro Well-Known Member

    Hi Kat. I read what you wrote and I am so sorry for your loss. As a severely depressed person myself with 2 suicide attempts, one requiring life threatening immediate surgery( I am also married) I will try to give you an insight into what it must of been like for him and what I would have wanted my loved ones to know had I actually passed away.

    When the pain of existence overwhelms the fear of death, life is no longer worth living. It wasn't anything you did to him that made him do this. It wasn't failing to show him how much you loved and cared for him, I'm sure he knew how much you loved him. When a person is in a constant state of angst, never at peace with themselves, the emotional toll it takes on a person is sometimes just too great of a burden to carry around.

    For a severely depressed person...

    Physically it is as if someone has strapped 50lb weights to your arms and legs and expect you do all the things others do on a daily basis.

    Mentally it is like being in a constant state of strife. There is no mental peace and no chance to rest. Imagine if you had to stay awake every day of your life, never being able to sleep. That is what takes place mentally when a person is unable to find even a small amount of peace of mind.

    Emotionally it is like living with the pain of losing a loved one every day of your life even though no one has been lost. I am sorry to use that as an example because you did lose a loved one but that is probably the pain he felt while alive and it was just too much for him.

    Imagine this message is for you from him because I'm sure he would of wanted you to know this, the way I would of wanted my wife to know had I died.

    He would of wanted to tell you that he loved you, that you meant the world to him but most importantly that you did not spend the rest of your life in pain because of his actions. I'm sure his greatest wish would be that your pain fades and that you are able to find love again. A part of you will always be just for him, but he wouldn't want you to be as sad as you are right now for the rest of your life.

    I hope that the coming years bring a soothing to your emotional wounds and that you can one day love again.
     
  4. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Edgar, thank you.
     
  5. Hegga83

    Hegga83 Member

    Hope u find a meaning with life again. / Fredrik
     
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry 'whatsleftofhim'
    my heart goes out to you..suicide survivors suffer a pain like nothing else...
    I lost a son to suicide 13 months ago so understand how you are feeling..
    Your grief is still so fresh and the pain so raw...
    I hope you are able to find a reason to go on and find some peace in your life..*hug*
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I too am so sorry for your loss and the suffering you are going thru I know how deep the sadness goes and the pain.
    Edgar is right his pain over came all his reasoning he just was to tired of the fight i wish i could have said something to save my brother but i know now the pain is to great being at that point myself it i very hard to see clearly what he was doing

    He would want you to be happy and he would never have wanted you to suffer like this I think if you can get some grief councilling okay it helps it really does