Chronic illness.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Grey68, Apr 14, 2016.

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  1. Grey68

    Grey68 Active Member

    I am tired all the time. Diagnosed with "mild" sleep apnea, but even with cpap therapy, I'm still wiped out everyday. I lost my job; and at some point I will be homeless. I'm scared of death, but I long for it. You can tell a person who's depressed and lonely that it may get better. But you cannot tell me that. Years of battling this "disease" has not made me any better. I wake up tired and have to face this crappy world like that. I really have no alternative but to expire; but like I said I'm scared to do that.

    Fucking hate life.
  2. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Keep plugging along Grey. I have sleep issues also yet not as extreme. I don't fall asleep quickly and don't stay asleep. Most nights I am up about 1:00 am to just kind of lay there until 6:00.
    I had to retire due to depression, lost my health insurance so I can't really get help with the medical issues I am facing. I did get some help for the VA yet I will probably end having to pay them back in full next year.
    I am scared of being homeless myself as rents here are expensive and I don't know how long I can afford to pay the mortgage and things associated with it.
    There are days I can't go on and want to check out yet in the end I keep plugging along.
    I don't pretend to know the suffering you are going through yet I hope you make it.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with this disease. As far as I understand it can be absolutely exhausting.
    Have you talked to your specialists how you feel? Maybe they can give you some meds or something more to help you? Maybe there is something that can be done?

    Could you get a job that is easier to manage; maybe something that is not 9-5. Many people with chronic illnesses benefit a lot from those kinds of jobs. Or would it be possible for you to file for disability if you really can't work?

    Please don't give up. There are so many options, and I understand that you might feel like you have tried them all, but please keep reaching out for more.
  4. Grey68

    Grey68 Active Member

    I don't have specialists; I don't have a job nor insurance. All I have is fatigue. My previous job was second shift, which was great. Two years and I haven't slept right; I'm ready to go. Just have to get my nerve up.
  5. Grey68

    Grey68 Active Member

    Why keep plugging along? What's so great in this life that's worth the misery everyday brings? Contrary to what they say, it doesn't get better.
  6. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    I understand you feeling this way. I feel the same way most times and have for many years yet for some reason I keep hanging on. I can tell you it does get better. My last severe depression was in 1991 yet it did take 10 years to get out of it but I did.
    If you are in the US have you tried applying for disability thru SSA?
  7. Grey68

    Grey68 Active Member

    I'm not disabled. I can work, but I don't think its worth it to drag myself through the day; I see no payoff for mere existence. No one can tell me why life is worth living. My interaction on boards like this and a call to one of those "hotlines" has made me more adamant. Life isn't worth the suffering.
  8. setekh5

    setekh5 Member

    No one can tell you why life is worth living, for you. The answer can only come from within you, not from someone who has no idea what it is like to be you. For me, life is definitely not worth living, no question about it. The only reason I haven't killed myself is that I have always had a hard time making decisions, and an irrevocable decision is hardest of all. I read about people being killed in auto accidents every day and I ask, "Why can't that be me?" When 9/11 happened The Times posted an obituary for every single one of the approximately 3,000 people who were killed in New York. The descriptions of each one sounded as though he or she had plenty to live for, plenty of good things going on in his or her life. I read every single one of them, each time asking myself, why was this person killed while I, who have no reason to live, just go on and on? I'm still asking.
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