Hi First post here. Probably more to come. Im 27, male and for 15 months now i've been in chronic pain with my left testicle. Ive had countless scans and the only thing theyve found a a cyst and said it was was normal add too small to cause this pain. originally they said it was epidydimorchitis (spelling??) and gave me antibiotics. after that did nothing they started looking in other places. 8 months ago I had a scan on my kidneys and after god only knows how many phone calls and doctors appointments i am getting the results from the hospital next month they told me at the time they couldnt see anything but would let me know. now the doctors cant do anything until that case is closed. in the mean time i've just had pain killers thrown at me. codeine, diclofenac. lanzopronol (to protect my stomach from them all!) but theyre doing nothing at all anymore besides making me a bit tired. I've managed to source some tramadol but even that doesnt sort out the pain. it either knocks me out or kinda makes me drunk (a nice feeling i must admit though) The best thing thats sorted the pain so far has been drinking which i try not to do so by no means an alcoholic. mixing alcohol with tramadol seems to work ok too. 150mg tramadol and 3 cans of lager was a nice feeling although still in pain. I know its stupid to do but i've started to pass the point where i've stopped caring. The doctors did 8 months ago so atleast i've held out longer than them! 4 weeks ago yesterday I was diagnosed with depression after my psoriasis spread from patches on my legs to all over my legs and arms and i got shingles (which has scarred, nice ) and have now been put on citalopram. they said it could make my mood worse initally. In the run up to christmas I lost 8lb's. I weighed 12 stone originally and am 5'10. very slim (28" waist) as it is but quite muscley in comparison to the rest of my friends. im guessing i've mainly lost muscle which sucks but some fat too as i've still been kinda active (im an allstar cheerleader, not gay! ) but not been eating (without realising) i had dinner at work when everyone else did but ate nothing at home as no-one was around and didnt think about it. spent most of my time in bed, moping around or playing xbox. when i told my mam about it all i stayed at hers for the weekend, she made me breakfast in bed which was 2 bacon snadwhiches. now the old me used to eat a LOT!, i could quite easily polish off a 3 foot long baguette sandwhich. It was that morning i realsied i'd stopped eating when i couldnt finish half of one sandwhich. it took me over 2 hours to force them both down. the past 3 days have been agonising though and im starting to have silly thoughts and do silly things. I came pretty close to driving off a bridge this morning at 110mph (didnt know my car could go that fast so easily til this morning). The thing is I dont want to kill myself, I jsut cant continue with this contant pain which seems to have no source that can be treated. i've told a couple friends and family about the citalopram and my mams been pretty supportive, she keeps telling me she promises it will get better and i've always thought it would. but after 15 months of contant pain im wondering if it will ever stop and wondering wether or not its worth the quality of life. I'm a smart guy and everything but im not exactly making a difference to the world so its not like anything big wouldnt happen because of the lack of me. I have a lot of aquantences rather than good friends so it wouldnt affect them too bad. I know it'd destroy my mam though which is what would hurt me most. I dont really know what im expecting from this post but dont really wanna concern family or friends with this as dont wanna come across as attention seeking, needy, weak etc. hopefully someone whos had a similr thing and got through it? any suggestions on pain relief maybe that keeps my head clear (i have a 25 mile drive to and from work so at the moment have to take my pain killers when i arrive at work then grin and bear the last few hours til i drove home and can take more). i was signed off work orinigally but it was kinda depressing just sat around at home without anyone around. they offered to sign me off again when i was told i had depression but i turned it down.