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Chronic suicidal

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jeroen

Well-Known Member
#1
I don't think I will commit suicide very soon, but I also don't think I will reach the age of sixty. Since, at least, the age of 9 I am feeling suicidal. I tried to commit suicide once, because of some serious abuse at home and in school, in the last level of primary school I took half a bottle of homeopathic sleeping pills. It did nothing of course, I couldn't even sleep that night.

The weeks before I asked my current girlfriend to become my girlfriend I knew that meant I couldn't commit suicide anymore. It would be unfair to bond with someone and effectively stab them in the back by committing suicide. I love my girlfriend with whole my heart... but sometimes I wish I had committed suicide instead.

Because of severe social anxiety and a whole gamma of other problems I fear that I will never complete university and that if I do I won't ever get a job good enough to support me. I am absolutely terrified about the future.
 

LoveBeing

Well-Known Member
#2
Don’t waste your energy on thinking so much about anything that is not directly related to your present moment…

Enjoy being with your girlfriend…do what you can now…

Have you talked to your school counsellor? or got any professional help? If not that serious, you can check into some self-help books dealing with severe social anxiety or other issues you may have. There are lots of help available nowadays. Internet is a great resource for lots of things…

Your fear about the future does not help anything but deplete your energy. Just do what you can now and focus on living. This moment is all we ever have because future comes as this moment when we experience it…

Here is a book that may be helpful to you. It has helped many people. The title is “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. The book is available in most bookstores around the world and here is a free download of the PDF version of the book:

http://www.holybooks.com/wp-content/uploads/The-Power-Of-Now-EckhartTolle.pdf

The author of the book had an unhappy childhood and was suicidal before he was 30 years old. He told something about his suicidal experience on page 8...

You know you have the power to break your thinking patterns and embrace life!
 

peacelovingguy

Well-Known Member
#3
Boys can be cruel to each other in school - girls also I guess - but you got to put all that in the past. I was never a bully but did bully a few people - I feel ashamed at it now though we have long made up. I bullied and got bullied - but went to an all boys school and I guess we were a boisterous lot.

Real nasty bullies always get their come-uppence, life has a way of making people on a power trip realise their power is tenuous - its weak and frail and will NEVER last. You as a victim - have to learn that you WERE a victim - its in the past now bro - and we got some good things happening no?

I mean - this girls sounds nice - try getting caught up in that moment - enjoy a little bit of love and care - take a day out somewhere nice with her.

Fear of the future is silly really - but with depression we can often find that fear becomes the motivator. And it is a BAD motivator - it motivates us to stay indoors through fear - it also leaves victims of bullies without the confidence to learn a bit of self defence and soundly punch the bully - I love seeing that - some bully getting a taste of his own medicine.

One of the worse bullies we had in our street as kids - when I grew up a little and was big and able enough to fight him - it seemed like I'd be a bully if I hit him - he was addicted to heroin and I figured life itself had got back at him.

Enjoy your romance - good luck and hope that you can start to save tomorrow for tomorrow and think about today and now.
 

jeroen

Well-Known Member
#4
Many times when I was beaten, by parents, other kids or random people, I wished I was death. I think this happened often enough to become entrenched in my mind, part of me wants to die. It always wants to die. When I say "part of me" I really mean part. There is some boundary between that part and the rest of me. Sometimes I hardly notice that part at all and sometimes it becomes my dominant part.

It's not like I can just make a conscious decision to forgive and forget the past, well a part of me can, but that part can not. For that part it is NOT the past, it experiences these events like they are still happening. It is horrifying to see that little boy getting hurt so much.

The problem I am facing is: I can be happy, but this part of me can not. He is still in the Hell they call "the most happy time of your life". I can not really "live in the now" before he comes with me.
 

LoveBeing

Well-Known Member
#6
It's not like I can just make a conscious decision to forgive and forget the past, well a part of me can, but that part can not. For that part it is NOT the past, it experiences these events like they are still happening. It is horrifying to see that little boy getting hurt so much.
Is this absolutely true? You said “it experiences these events like they are still happening” - the key word here is “like” - meaning “not actually real”…

Apparently you already know how you feel when you believe in this thought.

Now imagine how you would feel when you do not believe or do not have this thought…

Why would you hold onto something (which is not actually real in the now) that would make you feel horrible now? It is like you are still helping those people who hurt you to continue to have power hurting you...

I know it’s not easy as I held onto something similar for several decades without consciously knowing it. I’m glad I finally let it go as I finally realized that it was not actually real any more and that life is more enjoyable without that thought/belief. I feel I finally defeated those people who wanted to hurt me by not allowing them to hurt me any more…

The problem I am facing is: I can be happy, but this part of me can not. He is still in the Hell they call "the most happy time of your life". I can not really "live in the now" before he comes with me.
You can heal yourself and be whole again - do not give up any part of you to the past or to those people who hurt you. You do have the power to let go of the past, for your own well being, not for anyone else…

Wish you well…
 

jeroen

Well-Known Member
#7
Why would you hold onto something (which is not actually real in the now) that would make you feel horrible now? It is like you are still helping those people who hurt you to continue to have power hurting you...
True. Wish I knew how to stop it.

I know it’s not easy as I held onto something similar for several decades without consciously knowing it. I’m glad I finally let it go as I finally realized that it was not actually real any more and that life is more enjoyable without that thought/belief. I feel I finally defeated those people who wanted to hurt me by not allowing them to hurt me any more…
How were you able to let go? I'm trying to be conscious about my feelings and I think it helps me to feel better and better, but it is such a long process, sometimes I learn a lot from a single remark or something I write, sometimes I don't feel like I am making any progress for months.

You can heal yourself and be whole again - do not give up any part of you to the past or to those people who hurt you. You do have the power to let go of the past, for your own well being, not for anyone else…

Wish you well…
Thanks, appreciate it.
 

LoveBeing

Well-Known Member
#8
How were you able to let go? I'm trying to be conscious about my feelings and I think it helps me to feel better and better, but it is such a long process, sometimes I learn a lot from a single remark or something I write, sometimes I don't feel like I am making any progress for months.

By being aware/conscious when those hurtful thoughts arise - being aware/conscious that they are only thoughts/memories - not real in this moment…

Do not resist the thoughts or feelings because what we resist, persists. The mind can be very tricky. When we resist something, that very thing we resist is actually energized by our resistance.

So just be aware and watch the mind when those thoughts arise. Be conscious about it so you do not follow the thoughts to the hurtful experiences again. With your awareness and observation, those thoughts will diminish, like the darkness being shone away by the light…

Being present (in the now) is essential in being aware/conscious of what is real. Here is a simple practice I’ve done repeatedly and it has almost become natural to me now:

“Use your senses fully.

Be where you are.

Look around.
Just look, don’t interpret.
See the light, shapes, colors, textures.

Be aware of the silent presence of each thing.
Be aware of the space that allows everything to be.

Listen to the sounds; don’t judge them.
Listen to the silence underneath the sounds.

Touch something - anything -
and feel and acknowledge its Being.

Observe the rhythm of your breathing;
feel the air flowing in and out,
feel the life energy inside your body.

Allow everything to be, within and without.
Allow the “isness” of all things.

Move deeply into the Now.”

~ from the book “Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle

I know you can do this! You can be healed and whole again!! You will only be stronger then!!! :)
 

jeroen

Well-Known Member
#9
By being aware/conscious when those hurtful thoughts arise - being aware/conscious that they are only thoughts/memories - not real in this moment…

Do not resist the thoughts or feelings because what we resist, persists. The mind can be very tricky. When we resist something, that very thing we resist is actually energized by our resistance.

So just be aware and watch the mind when those thoughts arise. Be conscious about it so you do not follow the thoughts to the hurtful experiences again. With your awareness and observation, those thoughts will diminish, like the darkness being shone away by the light…

Being present (in the now) is essential in being aware/conscious of what is real. Here is a simple practice I’ve done repeatedly and it has almost become natural to me now:




I know you can do this! You can be healed and whole again!! You will only be stronger then!!! :)
This sounds like New Age stuff, don't want to do that. Recently I meditated every day for a month and it almost killed me. Sorry if this sounds harsh, I don't mean to insult you.
 
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LoveBeing

Well-Known Member
#10
That's okay. I've never thought of it as "New Age" or meditation... I'm not good with labels...

Whatever works for you...

All the best to you! :pinkrose:
 

LoveBeing

Well-Known Member
#12
I'm a bit confused now...not sure what you mean?

I just don't intend to force anything onto others...even if what really worked for me...

I also realize that everyone is different. I do believe and hope that you will find a way that works for you so long as you are open to a workable way and intend to find it...

With loving wishes...
 

jeroen

Well-Known Member
#13
Had a rough day today, was accused of trying to insult someone 4 times and he was getting mad at me, his sycophants agreed of course. I just made a remark that was meant innocent, not even targeted at him but at a brand of muesli... I don't like it when people just accuse me of stuff and yell at me. I prefer it when they beat the shit of me. There is some consolidation in getting beaten, sometimes it feels like you could die, which can be comforting. Besides, my GF wouldn't mind if I would get killed, I would hurt her a lot if I would kill myself. When someone yells at me I feel like I have to kill myself, a dog with rabies would be put down...
 

LoveBeing

Well-Known Member
#14
Sorry you had a rough day...

Another lesson I’ve learned from those experiences is that I no longer allow my mind to work with the “abusers” to hurt myself. Maybe another way to put it is that I am the boss of my mind or my mind is my servant. In a way, I don’t really care what others think of me or even what my own mind thinks. I do explain things but I’m also okay (in peace) if they cannot be understood the way I intend them to as I know that I can never control how others think or what they do but I do have the power to not let myself down regardless..

Please be a good friend to yourself…
 

jeroen

Well-Known Member
#15
It doesn't feel like there is one boss around in this head. How can I kick the other one out?

Thanks for your constant replies btw.
 

LoveBeing

Well-Known Member
#16
You are welcome, jeroen…I do feel for you…

I’m not sure how you can “kick the other one out”. What works for me is that I either ignore or disregard the thoughts that do not make me feel good as I recognize that they are not (absolutely) real anyway and that I know I would feel better without those thoughts. This is one of the things I do to be a good friend to myself. It’s a habit one can practice and form as by nature we do want to feel good.

The funny thing is that when I don't give a f* about what they think or say about me, they seem to be able to feel that they don't really have power over me then they would not bother me that much any more...

hugs :hug:
 

jeroen

Well-Known Member
#17
You are welcome, jeroen…I do feel for you…

I’m not sure how you can “kick the other one out”. What works for me is that I either ignore or disregard the thoughts that do not make me feel good as I recognize that they are not (absolutely) real anyway and that I know I would feel better without those thoughts. This is one of the things I do to be a good friend to myself. It’s a habit one can practice and form as by nature we do want to feel good.

The funny thing is that when I don't give a f* about what they think or say about me, they seem to be able to feel that they don't really have power over me then they would not bother me that much any more...

hugs :hug:
Trying to follow your tips right now. It's tempting to just give in to bad feelings. Feeling good for long periods of time is not something I really have known for the last ten years, it seems like a dream nothing more. So I think it is more easy to think of the future as something horrible, instead of thinking of it as something that will be inspiring, fun, et cetera.
 

LoveBeing

Well-Known Member
#18
Trying to follow your tips right now. It's tempting to just give in to bad feelings. Feeling good for long periods of time is not something I really have known for the last ten years, it seems like a dream nothing more. So I think it is more easy to think of the future as something horrible, instead of thinking of it as something that will be inspiring, fun, et cetera.
That’s great - it’s not easy to break an old (thinking) pattern or habit, but be patient, and don’t give in…

It may be more helpful if you don’t think much about the future either way. See if you can just do what you can now and let the future unfold itself…

With loving wishes and hugs :hug:
 

jeroen

Well-Known Member
#19
That’s great - it’s not easy to break an old (thinking) pattern or habit, but be patient, and don’t give in…

It may be more helpful if you don’t think much about the future either way. See if you can just do what you can now and let the future unfold itself…

With loving wishes and hugs :hug:
I'm absolutely addicted to thinking about the future! I care more about what I do in six years than I care about what I will do the next six years. I wonder if that has anything to do with long term abuse? I think I might have 'fled into the future' (in a non-Hollywood-style at least).:wink:
 
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