Chronic suicidality - wanting to kill yourself for decades

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by, Jan 25, 2012.

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  1. Member

    Well, when I dropped that fact in the chatroom yesterday that I have been more or less suicidal for the past ten years, I couldn't help but notice that people seem to be a) worried that this sort of thing could happen to them as well and b) amazed how I made it so long. Well, I believe that this chronic form of suicidality - as opposed to more violent, acute suicidality - is very much a different animal to what most people are suffering through in here, so I don't think you all will end up like me. For the most part, I don't share the explosive, all-smashing sadness that most people feel when they say they're suicidal. In terms of suicide attempts, I've done remarkably little, most of it actually more in the line of daring myself (like going for a quick drive through the woods at night at 200km/h or 120mph, for you imperials out there, or walking on top very close to the edge of rather tall structures). I've been trying to build me a small suicide box right next to my bed which for some reason felt very comforting even though I never used it and rarely even looked inside, but by now I fear that the ingredients are either off or that the bloody thing wouldn't have worked as intended anyway, so that comfort is gone for now. For me it's more about an ever-present concept of general and self- worthlessness that has me thinking about killing myself - so I guess that's why it's a lot easier to manage staying alive in my condition.

    To conclude: I'd love to find out more about this from others who are going through the same or similar ordeals. Of course it would be most helpful to hear from people who managed with the help of some method or treatment to drop that suicidal thinking and behavior for good, but by now I'm fairly certain that this would be rather rare indeed. It feels very much like I will be having suicidal thoughts and urges until I finally die of old age.

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 25, 2012
  2. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    I've been suicidal on and off for 32 years. The longest I've gone without any suicidal thoughts is maybe 5 years, 10 years with only minor suicidal thinking. I've had stretches of as long as 5 years with seriously suicidal thinking and have seriously attempted and damaged myself in the process 3 times. I would say the way to beat it is to beat the depression. When I'm not depressed and feeling hopeful about life or at least like life is bearable, the suicidal thinking quiets down and sometimes dissapears. I can get very much like you . I've kind of been like that for about a year now.
  3. Member

    Hello AlienBeing, thanks for sharing that. Can you trace what caused the suicidality to stop and reappear in your case? I've had extended periods (probably nothing longer than a few months though) of non-suicidality, enough so that I actually felt like I had overcome it. However, it at least appears like this feeling of being on top comes with increased activity and challenging myself to new things, which in turns goes hand in hand with failure at some point. When you say beating depression is the key to overcoming this suicidality, I think that's a lot harder said than done - I don't suffer from depression in a normal sense, as in having no energy to do anything, feeling overpowering sadness and so on. I have had that in my most extreme periods, right around finishing school and starting to study to be exact. However, nowadays I'm honestly not that depressed. I go to work/study regularly, I have hobbies and I meet people. Yes my place is a total mess, but that is mostly because I start all sorts of electronic projects and rarely clean up after them. I'm pretty much used to being suicidal without feeling actually depressed. So I wouldn't think that depression itself is the big problem in my case, it actually appears to be only a symptom of some larger issue. Or perhaps I don't even have a problem and it's just laziness and cowardness on my side, which would be a totally valid explanation IMO. That however would lead to the embarassing realization that I've thrown pretty much all my opportunities for living a regular life away because I couldn't handle the perfectly normal amount of social pressure that comes with being an adult. Which in turn would make me so much of a failure that I'd pretty much have to kill myself to be able to live with myself. So I'd prefer to ask for people with similar experiences instead of jumping to such conclusions.

  4. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    You might have dysthymia, which they say can ruin a life even more than major recurrent depression. It's a chronic mild depression that's debilitating in the length that it goes on , not the depth of the problem. It could create the social problems, the sense that maybe you're "just lazy", the lack of self esteem, the failure. I don't believe that you can have chronic suicidal feelings and not be struggling with depression at some level. As for what to do, yeah, it's the getting involved in developing one's life that helps to lift it for me. Yet you're right that it can be a double edged sword, because the stress that I then encounter from that can fuel my depression which then leads to failure sometimes. Even at my best, I have, anxiety and social difficulties. That in itself leads to a tendency to depression.
  5. Member

    Thanks for that hint! Seriously, I haven't stumbled upon dysthymia at all - my diagnoses have been made quite some time ago, they had me categorized under ADHD, Bipolar Depression and even a hint of Borderline Personality Disorder (mostly because I got into the habit of hitting/burning myself when I was most frustrated with myself), and I've seen a total of five psychotherapists - plus the odd psychiatrist, hypnotherapist etc. - in my time as an active patient. Strangely, I can never remember any of them asking me at any detail how long I have had depressed feelings and suicidal thoughts in my life - the honest answer would have been that it appeared somewhere around the age of twelve or so, for some stupid reason like not being invited in by my mates to join their treehouse-club or something. :) "I'm gonna throw myself off the roof and then this'll all be over", I remember thinking. Ok, to be fair, for the most part I hate to admit to strangers that I'm feeling down, since I usually can't figure any good reason for it and don't want to appear irrational (something I've always hated about myself - personal role model when I was young: Spock). If you enter into psychotherapy as an adolescent male with no apparent childhood trauma, they probably just don't assume that you could have been fucked up for longer than a year or so - "yes, growing up is hard; here you have some SSRIs, now go back to being young and healthy, and get good marks for your graduation!" In quite a few cases I believe that doesn't work so well.
    I can't exactly say that I have real anxieties, but I certainly have a VERΥ bad feeling towards the future, for the next decade I can imagine pretty much everything from major epidemics to ongoing economic crisis, the overthrow of government in several western countries and the outbreak of nuclear war. When I think about such issues, the only thought that calms me down is "oh my, I will have killed myself by then anyhow, so what do I care?" Socially, I am on one hand isolating myself (living alone, avoiding all social connections even to people I like, and constantly arguing against opinions that aren't even that far away from my own), on the other hand I'm trying to make myself irreplaceable by putting in extra effort into all sorts of projects. I seriously can't stand being able to lend someone a hand in a way that might make me appear worthy, and not doing it just for reasons of not knowing that person or having no time to spare myself.

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 25, 2012
  6. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    I'm 39 and i've just had a feeling that it's my destiny since my teens.Despite some feeble half assed attempts i've some how muddled through,wished for a heart attack or terminal illness to save me the job but here i am.I have to do it soon tho because my life does not stand up to scrutiny,in my 39yrs on earth i've achieved nothing of note,couldn't make a go of relationships,no friends,no kids,no life.
  7. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    I do that too--wish I'd get sick and die. Tomorrow I'm going for an ultrasound to check for cancer. I wouldn't even go if I didn't have such a pain problem and want answers as to what's causing it. Not sure if I'd even tell anyone or do anything about it if I was diagnosed with cancer. I'd just wait until I was going into palliative care before telling anyone, then say it was diagnosed too late for anything else.
  8. whydoes

    whydoes Member

    I have been suicidal nearly everyday for 20 years. I have never gone longer than a few days without thinking about suicide. In fact, I am thinking about it right now. I have attempted, minor attempts, a handful of times. I think that any future suicide attempt will be final, as I see no point in living at all.
  9. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I've been suicidal at least since I became a teenager, so that's about 15 years now. I've never seriously hurt myself but I think about it all the time. I feel that I'll always be thinking about this, but I don't know if it will be different in the future. I'm scared of death but I want the pain to go away. I guess my fear of death is why I haven't done it yet.
  10. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    I guess these are good people to make friends with here--not likely to disappear from the forum because they've died or because they've gotten better..
  11. Member

    :D Right. So I guess one thing to notice about the long-timers: Better (=darker) humour. In terms of common symptoms, would it be fair to say that most of us are considering suicidality and deep, dark thoughts a character trait rather than a mental health issue?
  12. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Yes, my humour is very black. No, I think it's definitely a mental health issue. I'm still pursuing every possible experimental treatment I can find to cure me of my treatment resistant depression. I intend to catch the bus when my Mom is gone and I've exhausted all possible cures. No one will ever be able to say I didn't fight a long hard battle.

    Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don't kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, "He fought so hard." And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.”
    ―Sally Brampton--Shoot the Damn Dog, A Memoir of Depression
  13. Grimmy

    Grimmy Member

    Struggled with it off and on for a little over 2 decades now. Guess the occasional near death experiences put a little spin on things, there was open heart surgery at birth, getting thrown down stairs at 4 by my POS father, my insane mother nearly killing me trying to exorcise demons when I was 7, 2 story fall to concrete at 12 (accidental btw), a couple unsuccessful suicide attempts between 14 and 17 (likely wouldn't have been so unsuccessful had the internet been more prevalent back then), ran a car into a brick wall at 90 mph when I was 25 (don't ask how I survived that one, myself and my passenger still wonder to this day). Yes, I have a dark sense of humor and as a self dare of sorts I have many tools at my disposal, I almost collect them; more or less a way of saying if I ever get to that point again every means I could possibly want is right there, just an arms reach away. Is it healthy, probably not, has it kept me from trying again, oddly yes, but there are 3 times a year where I think about it seriously, and sometimes other triggers make me think of it more, but so far so good, made it to 34 so far.
  14. tired82

    tired82 Well-Known Member

    Yep, same here. 38 yrs old, started having suicidal thoughts in high school. Didn't give any thought when I was in college until a few years ago. Now I think about it daily - just want to die and get it over with, but never acted on any rash thoughts. I'd drive somewhat fast at night, thinking it'd be best if there was an accident.

    Had a CAT scan a couple months back for a pancreatic cyst. While waiting for the results, I was hoping for cancer, and somewhat disappointed when it wasn't serious.
  15. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    I just had a pelvic and abdominal ultrasound and I'm hoping they find a fatal illness. I won't tell my family until it's too late and then just say it was found too late. I'll let palliative care dope me up with the maximum of morphine and just sleep until I die. I'll keep telling them they're not giving me enough to relieve the pain until they let me OD on it. They do that sometimes. It's just not talked about. Sigh, one can only fantasize and hope, I suppose.
  16. Kaganovich

    Kaganovich Active Member

    This is a subject i've been wondering about a lot recently. I think that there is a condition of suicidal ideation that doesn't fit the standard definition. A state of mind where suicide is almost always just under the surface and the ideation can come to the forefront without the severe trigger needed in cases of sudden suicides or the decline of depression. Like a nagging constant weakness that's always there, almost like a security blanket albeit a drastic one.
    I'm considering writing abook about it (have written 3 books already, history not health or psychology) and this topic has given me some ideas, if anyone would like to contribute ideas etc. let me know! I think that too often books about suicide are written from the healthcare perspective and not from the point of view of someone who 'lives with it'.
  17. Elizabeth162

    Elizabeth162 Member

    I've gone through periods of time when I've thought about it, but I would never actually do it. I love my parents (especially my dad), my husband, and my children way too much to cause them that kind of pain. It's up to me to keep moving forward in life and find ways of making it as fulfilling and enjoyable as possible.
  18. Fredericks

    Fredericks Well-Known Member

    I've been suicidal since about the age of 14 (I'm 24 now), more or less constantly. Sometimes it's acute, sometimes it isn't, but it's almost always there.
  19. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

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