Definition - Throwing a tantrum, cracking the shits, spitting the dummy. Rather than spread this shit from one end of the forum to the other im just gonna bundle it up. If your bored easily, look away now and go play tiddlywinks or something. Ya ive said some of this shit before, oh well, bite me. You - Im still worried. Glad you didnt take that step but what you did do was worrying enough. I hope it heals ok. You are one of the few things on this stinking planet that I care about. I just want some things to go well for you, for your ED to get a bit better, and things improve for you. I dont know if it makes you feel bad that I care about you as much as I do. Ive tried to stop, but I cant, and you know what...I dont think I want too, theres a part of me that needs to care about someone, think about someone, even though Im not there, and never will be. Please dont feel bad about it, or think it makes me worse, or feel guilty that your involved with other people if you are, its not really about that. Its about one human being loving another - unconditionally. Thats how I feel about you. Work - In a word - HATE. There are times when I actually enjoy the interaction with other people but its like once a day, compared to the other 95% i hate. Its ok when it goes smoothly, but it never fucking does. Going back to this was a mistake, but i had no choice. I need money. What the fuck am I going to do :sad: This is gonna really bring me down over the next couple months. I hate taking orders from some idiot. I desperately want to work for myself, or in partnership with others all pulling in the same direction. If i quit its probably gonna tip my mother over, if I stay im just gonna get miserable, have some outburst, and end up quiting anyway. I know it will disappoint a lot of people here as well. Im sorry im a fuck up. The only option i can think off is to stay to save up at least some more money to maybe invest probably into web stuff, at least give myself some options...I really hate that im back at this point. The money isnt what it should be either...net after tax, $560 that week, $880 there, $670 this week for basically 6 normal days sux. Its not worth working the big hours cause tax is insane. L & C - Will you 2 get a fucking room! Your making me feel like an outsider with your constant flirting. I already feel like the black sheep (no racial slur intended) and its only getting worse. Ya you have everything, money, a fat inheritance coming your way, and now her as well, you done yet? You planned it well, your superior, thx for reminding me. Gambling - I gotta get a grip, less than 1 hour and im down $100...I really cant afford to do that shit, enough of the gambling. Its just so damn easy, your drinking, your relaxed, maybe talking to someone alongside you (not that anyone talks much) and before you know it...its bye byes to whatever you had in your wallet and your visiting the ATM. I straight up cant afford it, so why the fuck do i do it. You know what it is? I dont fucking care. I do and I dont grrr FUCK. Vanity - Jesus $110 for a haircut lol, who the fuck do you think you are? Justin Timberlake...lol. Get a fucking grip. Your an ugly geezer, average under the right lighting, and if the girl is drunk enough. Stop wasting your money and just accept the fact no amount of window dressing is gonna save you. Old Habits - I wanna smoke weed again, I wanna drink myself under the table. I just need it all to stop at times and thats the only way to do it, short of taking a gun to my head and unfortunately i dont have one. The only other thing that works is to try and sleep but i cant get to sleep half the time. So far ive been good but i dont know if i can hold out. Some Good Things - Got a heap of courses lined up, short ones, but probably wont get to do them. Its just money i dont want to spend, and yet I should because it gets me out of the house more than just work, football, the movies now and then, drinking and gambling. Theres a couple of introductory language courses, creative writing and stuff. Now i got some money i can rekindle some old things i use to enjoy, like reading magazines. I use to collect mags. I love the smell of them. Ive just subscribed to Cosmos, T3, a couple of others from the U.S and U.K (not porn, just nothing anyone would be interested in). Theres a new comic place opened up in town....there never open when im off work, but I wanna check that out as well, im not really into manga, or traditional superhero stuff, but maybe they might have something interesting for me, something gothic would be good. Wont Happen - Went to a new shopping centre the other day and they had a jewelery shop and they had a poster advertising the Pandora collection. Lots of girls probably familiar with it, but Ive never seen it. You basically buy a bracelet and you can add charms to it - sterling silver, 14ct gold, and others, some with diamonds, and theres a whole heap of interesting little charms - animals, love hearts, zodiac etc. Was thinking how nice it would be to have someone to give something like that too, and just add to it when something good happens, or some major event in there lives, or just as a present every now and then. There not really expensive, think about $70 up, the diamond ones probably a few hundred dollars. Ill never be able to give something like that to anyone, never have a girlfriend to buy that for...its fucking depressing. I could go on, but thats enough, im just sick of it all. Have to just grin and bear it, and lap it up like some lame puppet cause i cant upset people, my mother in particular. Just gonna hide in some deep, dark, dusty corner, lacquered in cat fur and sucking it up. If only i had the balls to do it. Nobody would ever have to read this shit ever again.