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Cigarettes and coffee

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mythofsisyphus, Mar 14, 2009.

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  1. mythofsisyphus

    mythofsisyphus New Member

    Tonight I realised that, in one way or another, I have wanted to kill myself for the last seven years.

    Nobody has ever known that I have felt this way. The people I have known who have threatened to commit suicide were treated like they were crazy. I am not crazy. I have thought about it a lot, the way most other people think about what grad school they want to attend. There are reasons why I want to do it, and reasons why I haven't yet.

    I am twenty-one years old. I have never done anything that I am proud of. I am ashamed of the person I am; my flaws are gargantuan and my merits are scant. My life is neither interesting nor tragic; I grew up lower-middle class in a small town, and my parents scraped together enough money each month to pay for my piano lessons. I believe that I am incapable of having real relationships, and that makes me incredibly sad. Maybe, if I hadn't spent most of the last decade actively pushing people away, I wouldn't be up at three o'clock in the morning, thinking of getting the X-Acto knife out and running myself a warm bath. Maybe, if I'd been able to find some kind of meaning in life, I wouldn't want to die.

    As I said earlier, though, there are a lot of reasons why I haven't yet. I think it would make my mum sad. I don't want that; she doesn't deserve to be sadder than she already is. And, I think I hold on to the idea that maybe there is some kind of meaning in existence. And I don't think I could stop my family members from holding a poorly-attended funeral that I wouldn't have wanted anyway.

    But, I'm also a little scared of dying.
  2. Thinice

    Thinice Well-Known Member

    I think it's easy for us to say 'I want to die', but actually doing the deed is difficult. It suddenly hits you that you're going to be gone, never experience anything of this life ever again. I got scared as well, the first time I attempted.

    The longer that you leave it, the better I think. Whatever keeps you alive and gives you more time to maybe find something that can change your mind, that will persuade you to live.
  3. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum. I am glad you have found us. There are a lot of people here with very similar feelings and personally I have found the help and support I have needed to keep going. I hope you can too. Cigarettes and coffee at 3 in the morning is certainly something I can relate to. We all arrive here down different paths but the fact that we are here shows we are all fighting against commiting. Your post shows you are pretty intelligent and that you care about others. Those are both things to your credit. Stay safe and best wishes to you. S.
  4. mythofsisyphus

    mythofsisyphus New Member

    I agree completely. There have been times where I made preparations for myself, but when it got down to actually doing it, I couldn't.

    Last year, when I was actually feeling okay for the first time in months, I was involved in a helicopter-related near miss incident at work. I came within two feet of dying, and afterward, I was glad I hadn't. And that was only a few months after I had been thinking about killing myself every day, and lying to my therapist about it because I didn't want her to know.

    The problem with that method is that the way one lives when one is that depressed doesn't give one a lot of things to be excited about.
  5. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    I think the truth for a lot of us isn't that we want to die but rather that we want to live. But to live without the pain and torment we are going through. I was away in Scotland at New year climbing. One evening I spent hours sitting by an ice cold loch desperately wanting to end it all but I couldn't do it. A couple of days later I was in a position where the tiniest little slip would have led to certain death and even though the thoughts were still there I used every bit of strength I possesed to carefully get over the crux of the climb I was on. I hope you can find the strength to overcome your suffering.
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support


    I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so low right now. Depression can get nasty hold on us sometimes.

    Just from your post, I see things that you can be proud of. You write well - proper sentences, punctuation, spelling, good diction, and logical, clear expression and flow. You also come across as intelligent and thoughtful, kind and considerate. Those are things to be proud of, IMO.

    You say that you believe you are incapable of having real relationships. You also say that you don't act on your suicidal feelings because you don't want your mom to be sad. Aha! - you have a good and "real" relationship with your mom. Not a romantic one, of course - but it IS the groundwork for one day having friendships and romantic relationships.

    Could it be that the sort of relationship you want just hasn't happened yet? Or perhaps you've had friends/girlfriends who were there for a while and then things fell apart?

    If it hasn't happened yet, that's OK. It will happen. Perhaps you just haven't been ready yet.

    If you had relationships that didn't work out, that's OK, too. You're young, and it's actually a good idea to meet, date and hang with lots and lots of different people so that you know the sort of person you really, really want to be with forever. It's quite normal for young adults to meet, date a while, break up. General rule of thumb IMO is that if a relationship is working well, both people want to share their time with the other. If it's not working well, they find they don't want to be together. They find they can't be what the other needs in a partner - not because they're awful people, but usually because it's just not who they are, how they are made.

    Has something happened that makes you feel as though you will be rejected? Do you have other situations that don't support the idea that you will never in a relationship?

    Anyway, I think it would be sad and a waste of a young life for you to give up now. The future holds all sorts of possibilities - even the ones you think might not happen for you. Could you give the world and your life some more time so you can find those? I hope so. :hug:
  7. mythofsisyphus

    mythofsisyphus New Member

    Well, really, I disagree. I am intelligent, but that has very little to do with what I did. I didn't earn it. I won a genetic prize. And the worst thing about it is that being as smart as I am makes me more conscious of my inabilities.

    I have dropped out of university because I was too depressed to go to class and it was becoming a waste of money. I don't know if I'll ever be well enough to go back. And if I do get well enough, I don't know if I'll ever be able to afford to go again. And that is a tremendous waste.

    I don't connect with people. Not with my parents, or my siblings, or any of the people I knew growing up, or any of the people I've met since. That's not to say that I don't think of them as persons, with feelings and value similar to mine. I actively do not want to hurt them because of that. I know what it's like to hurt and I don't want to do that to anyone else.

    For the same reason, I keep my distance from people. I don't want to hurt or be hurt. I am afraid of intimacy. I generally don't have confidantes; if one person knows something about me that would be considered a "secret", most people know it.

    I'm not particularly concerned with wanting a romantic relationship right now. I doubt both my ability to handle the requisite emotional intimacy and any other person's desire to know about my emotional baggage. I find physical relationships less emotionally risky, but unfulfilling. I have had a lot of lovers, probably in some sad attempt to fill the gaping relationship-shaped void in my emotional world.
    (Fun and informative side story: This last year, I lost my only really intimate friend when he got a girlfriend. I cried over a man for the first time in years when he told me he was moving in with her. And now, we don't talk. I cut it off because I was too jealous over him, and it was too difficult for me.)

    I feel guilty over the fact that I tend to not have relationships with other people. I think I should, that I am missing out on something that is important to the human experience. I often wonder if other people's relationships really do make their lives richer and fuller, or if it's just a big, fat lie that I invented to make myself feel badly for not being normal. At any rate, any well-done movie or film depicting a loving relationship of any kind is apt to reduce me to a crying, snot-nosed mess in no time.

    The mother that I don't want to hurt is not someone to whom I am especially close. We haven't talked in anything but a perfunctory sense in years, since I was quite a young child. It's not that I think she doesn't love me (because I know she does), but I don't think she wants to be emotionally close to me.

    Well, I'm still here now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 22, 2009
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