Circling the drain, what to do?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TOMMAX, Nov 21, 2011.

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    TOMMAX New Member

    Hi, Im 29 years old and Im experiencing some tough problems in life right now that hve pushed me to the edge. I have chronic fatigue syndrom since 2002 that makes me really exhausted and irritable most of the time. I feel like a dead man walking. I hit a major depression after I had a knee surgery in April 2010 where they were just supposed to clean up some scar tissue from my knee joint but they ended up doing a lateral release nwhich cut tendons on the lateral side of my leg that hold the kneecap. This has made my knee porblem musch worse and a relatively minor problem before now has become major because of the surgeons stupidity to cut these healthy ligaments that have a vital role in stabalizing the kneecap. I am scheduled to have surgery with a top notch ortho surgeon in may 2012 to correct the mistake that the previous surgeon caused and to fix my original problem which was torn medial ligaments from a kneecap dislocation.

    Ever since a few months into my recovery from the April 2010 surgery i knew things were terribly wrong because I lost my ability to walk and was in much more severe pain than pre surgery. My surgeon convinced me into surgery saying that I would not need pain killers after his surgery but he lied to me and has now crippled me, possibly for life. I am very scared and have been into the psych ward twice in the last year fo9r suicidal behaviour. I also have a paralysed nerve in my back which causes severe upper back pain, shoulder pain, and upper arm pain. I am taking 50 mg of oxycontin/ day right now and it is effective but causes a roller coaster of emotions from the withdrawls and between daily doses. I am just sick of living in pain and immobility and want to die. I too over <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> last week in an attempt to kill myself but it didnt work. I also took aboug <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> with that as well but I ended up waking up in the middle of the night and was dissapointed that the concoction did not kill me.

    Im thinking I will need to <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> if I really want to kill myself and be successful. Id probably have to take about <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> as well. The only problem is my dad has control of my pills and adminsters them to me so I can only sneak in a pill to stash here and there until over time I build up a big enough stash for a lethal dose of medication.

    My life sucks, I think rational suicide is the right idea in my situation and that I have no future left because of all of the problems I have. I obsess alot about ending my life, its the only fantasy that brings me happy now, knowing that I can escape this living hell if I just take the correct amount of these medications to off myself.

    Any other chronic pain suffers here that know what to do? Is it worth trying to fight this out and get better or should I just safe myself alot of grief and headaches and just take the plundge and do what needs to be done?
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 21, 2011
  2. Mirikun

    Mirikun Well-Known Member

    Hi, welcome to the forum!

    Ohhh, I'm so sorry about what happened to your knee in surgery. ): That sounds absolutely horrible. I can only imagine now difficult it must be to live in such pain, but please hang in there! I know how hard depression can make things, but the surgery in May might go well and you have a chance of building your life up again.

    Do you know why you're depressed? Is it because of the physical pain?
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome.

    If you've been in the psych ward, did they offer any follow-up resources or aftercare? Sometimes a good doc can help with the depression, which magnifies the physical pain in me.
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