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Clearing some space in my head.

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Who would have thought that I would ever miss hospital?

I remember my first few weeks there, the days when I absolutely hated it. I would try to discharge myself every time a Doctor came up to the ward. I was sure that I wasn’t going to be there for long, I was sure that I couldn’t cope with being there for long. I wrote my consultant a letter, one full of utter bullshit. It said that I hadn’t had any thoughts of suicide or self harm whilst I was there. He was going to let me go on a week’s leave and then be discharged from home. It was my CAMHS team and my mom who didn’t want me back just yet.

But as the days went passed I became more and more attached to the place. I liked the majority of the other young people there, we had a laugh. I felt more comfortable at this hospital than what I did on my home leave. I only wanted to be at home for cadets, and once I started getting this leave, I enjoyed being at hospital. Me and the other girls on my ward would help each other if one of us was struggling, we would have deep and meaningful conversations with other people our age who understood us. We would talk about totally random things, laugh when staff called us inappropriate and carry on anyway. I remember it all so clearly. The Ouija boards, the ‘terrorist’ groups, the sexual jokes in conversations, the joke talks about staff, the play fighting...just the general messing about.

It seems as though I had everything there. I had friends who understood me, I had a staff member I could talk to about anything other than the suicidal thoughts that I was experiencing throughout my stay..But she did however encourage me to talk about my previous attempts. I had my own room; my own space, I had groups to fill my days, I had a gym and I had a safe and secure environment. I was away from people who caused me to feel worse. Those from my life before hospital that I still wanted to contact, I would write to...Writing would fill my time, receiving their letters would make me smile...Only downside was the delay in responses due to postal services.

Over time my leave got longer and longer. I was spending less and less time in hospital, maybe a few days before I would go for a week again. I liked this, although I wasn’t spending as much time in hospital as I would have probably liked. And then before long I was on extended leave awaiting discharge. During this time things in my life seemed to be going ok. There weren’t any arguments at home with my mom and there were only a few minor ones with my brother. I was going out with my friends more, I was enjoying cadets more. I was able to contact close friends easier. I was allowed on my laptop, I was allowed on my phone... But with just over a week gone by from official discharge things at home have gone totally upside down. The arguments are driving me insane.

I really do not think that I can live at home any longer, its driving me insane. The arguments with my mom are once again getting too much. The only thing keeping me here is my dog whom we adopted from the RSPCA in October. I don’t want to let her go, she means the world to me...But I think I’m going to have to because I can’t stay here. The only option I have that means keeping her other than staying at home and being pushed further and further towards the edge is running away with her; something that is high up on my list of options right now. The other option I have is sending her back (which would actually kill me inside) and going to live in supported accommodation...But the accommodation that my CAMHS team have in case this has happened is not specialized towards mental health. Instead it is full of coke and smack addicts, who are quite happy to encourage you to go down the same route as them.

Ugh, life ¬¬
Family Therapy guy who comes to my house once a week knows just how to fuck things up even further doesn’t he? Alerting social services and god knows who else that I am a runaway risk. And apparently if I do runaway police will just pick me up...He didn’t sound too impressed when I turned around and said that they’d have to find me first. He asked me about sixth form also, which I was originally hoping to start in September until all of this kicked off and then on top of that the deputy head has been suspended after being charged with sexual offences.. I don’t want to be in an environment where things like that are now kicking off.

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