Hi, i'm sorry if this doesnt belong here or it has nothing to do with what these forums are about but i have questions that i can't find the answers to myself. I just really want to get some responses if anything i explain in this post could be seen as suicidal or i was just throwing it into such a category for an easy explanation to myself. I'm 21, and I must admit at the moment i'm feeling much better about life. Just looking through these forums it got me thinking about how I was. I am severly overweight, i dont share any strong love within my family, even though i have an older brother and sister i was very much a lonely child, i never had done anything with a girl until i was 20 and was very anti-social and have always been pessimistic. I used to troll through websites and forums about ways to commit suicide, even found the perfect way for me, but always ended up crying when i thought about if i ever went through with it. The only thing which really held me back I think was the thought of my mum crying - i couldnt take it and still cant take it when i think about it. I've always had this feeling of invulnerability, i know it probably sound stupid but somewhere in my head i think if i was in a car crash i wouldnt get hurt, if i drew a knife accross my wrist it wouldnt bleed, if i fell off a building i'd get back up. Even though i'm smart enough to realise the reality of it all, and that those things do cause physical pain - i dont know, i just dont think things can hurt me. I've never done anything to really hurt myself, the worst was bashing my head against a wall one time when really drunk, and cutting up my hand real bad smacking it against a brick wall, and there was also a time where i punched myself unconcious in my car for a few minutes. When i drink i drink excessive amounts really quickly, its obvious to anyone that i'm drinking so much to get rid of my worries, i'm really low on confidence, i really think i have none. The past 5 months though have been much better and have lifted my spirits a bit, i found a girl, and i honestly love her, she's the first person to genuinly make me smile. But she's also seen the side of me when im drunk, i get emotional and insult myself and hurt myself...she obviously hates it. I've stopped drinking now and it gets better but my mood changes really bad, one second i'm happy and the next im prowling the net for information on suicide or getting really self concious and down. I think of myself as having suicidal tendancies, but thats why i came here and said what i said..i really dont know but i'd like to. I always kind of got off on the fact i was so interested in suicide and such, and it made me feel better thinking such things. Thanks for reading, sorry if im talking crap.