Hi. I suppose i'm here for similar reasons as everyone else... and i know this is supposed to be my "intro" thread, i guess i really just don't feel like putting much effort into introducing myself. "It's too complicated, convoluted, fractal and nebulous." I am miserable. I do not believe "help" exists. I am not afraid of death, but rather continuing a life that will never improve... enough... or, merely "existing" and unnecessarily enduring excessive gainless pain. It's not the fear of my own suicide, nor my "ideation" of it, that bothers me. I don't mind the thoughts. I'm not scared. I can handle "my imagination" just fine. What bothers me is that i feel utterly disinterested in everything i used to think was at least worth tolerating the misery, and all of it has become utterly ineffective in distracting me from the things i can neither endure nor change. It's not that i think life itself is without value... it's not that i'm bothered by life's inherent lack of "meaning..." it's not that i think that suicide is somehow going to decide to claim me, against my will, and cause me to miss out on something worth living for... It's that i think there is nothing for ME to actually miss out on. I'm scared of being homeless and starving and consumed by despair, and having all the connected aspects of my depression lead me into the slowest and most painful possible death... for no reason. I'm scared that there's nothing i can do, other than suicide, to avoid that. I'm scared that there will not be any more reasons, and nothing more to miss. I don't really mind not having any friends. I'm okay with the idea that not everyone will, or even should like me. I'm different, i get it, and that's okay. There are plenty of things i can enjoy alone, without having to worry about how many friends i may or may not have, or whether any other person understands me at all. I've been... sort of lost and drifting, lately, i guess... away from the actual struggle of trying to distract myself (since that's my only option) from the things i can't change or cope with... And i feel a sort of resigned acceptance that there's just nothing i can do, and my life has already spiraled out of control and disintegrated, and it's just lost. I won't be able to change enough, or cope enough, or find anything interesting enough to make me feel like i have an actual purpose, a worthwhile endeavor to pursue, a fulfilling avenue to achieve any significant feeling of accomplishment. And it's just exhausting trying to explain who and why i am, to even give anyone any valid chance to legitimately help me in any way. The only useful motivation i ever experience anymore is anger, and i just don't even have the fortitude to carry it anymore. I'm not here to trash myself or to convince the world that i'm worthless, or to... i don't even know. Somehow i doubt that spending a bunch of energy writing words to strangers on a forum, will ever actually help me. Maybe i'm just torturing myself by not "flipping the switch," and prolonging my own suffering by lethargically and half-heartedly seeking the help that i don't believe actually exists. I know lots of people swear that help does exist, and profess various "solutions" are available... but when considering all the factors, i just don't think any of it means what they/we all want it to mean. Even With that help... my life won't ever be much of anything, and certainly will never result in anything i would call "happy." Maybe things could get a little better... but at what cost? It has to be worth doing or it's pointless. I'm tired of being demanded to follow paths that cannot lead to where i want or need to go, and cannot lead to anything worth never reaching my intended destinations, and will not result in an enjoyable journey. And yet, all my so-called "options," seem to share that exact same aspect. I don't want to bother seeking help to embark on a grueling journey to arrive at a place i never wanted to reach. It feels like i'm supposed to say: "help me live a life i'll never want." And then you're supposed to say: "you have to want it bad enough!" And i'm like: "..." If i can't have even the minimum of what i want, while anything insufficient i might gain, both costs and causes excessive suffering... Then maybe i don't want anything. Maybe i'd rather be nothing, than anything i am, or could ever be. Maybe i'm ready to face the nothing, and don't want help. Maybe after i'm gone, anyone who might care, will eventually figure that out about me. Or maybe, as i predict, no one will ever understand, and i should just accept that, and remove it from consideration. Once i'm gone, none of this matters. I guess i'll leave it there for now. There's a little glimpse into who i am, through my attempt to express some of my thoughts. While not exhaustive, it is indeed exhausting to be me.