clever title

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by clevername, May 11, 2013.

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  1. clevername

    clevername Member


    I suppose i'm here for similar reasons as everyone else... and i know this is supposed to be my "intro" thread, i guess i really just don't feel like putting much effort into introducing myself.

    "It's too complicated, convoluted, fractal and nebulous."

    I am miserable.

    I do not believe "help" exists.

    I am not afraid of death, but rather continuing a life that will never improve... enough... or, merely "existing" and unnecessarily enduring excessive gainless pain.

    It's not the fear of my own suicide, nor my "ideation" of it, that bothers me.

    I don't mind the thoughts. I'm not scared. I can handle "my imagination" just fine.

    What bothers me is that i feel utterly disinterested in everything i used to think was at least worth tolerating the misery, and all of it has become utterly ineffective in distracting me from the things i can neither endure nor change.

    It's not that i think life itself is without value... it's not that i'm bothered by life's inherent lack of "meaning..." it's not that i think that suicide is somehow going to decide to claim me, against my will, and cause me to miss out on something worth living for...

    It's that i think there is nothing for ME to actually miss out on.

    I'm scared of being homeless and starving and consumed by despair, and having all the connected aspects of my depression lead me into the slowest and most painful possible death... for no reason. I'm scared that there's nothing i can do, other than suicide, to avoid that. I'm scared that there will not be any more reasons, and nothing more to miss.

    I don't really mind not having any friends. I'm okay with the idea that not everyone will, or even should like me. I'm different, i get it, and that's okay. There are plenty of things i can enjoy alone, without having to worry about how many friends i may or may not have, or whether any other person understands me at all.

    I've been... sort of lost and drifting, lately, i guess... away from the actual struggle of trying to distract myself (since that's my only option) from the things i can't change or cope with...

    And i feel a sort of resigned acceptance that there's just nothing i can do, and my life has already spiraled out of control and disintegrated, and it's just lost. I won't be able to change enough, or cope enough, or find anything interesting enough to make me feel like i have an actual purpose, a worthwhile endeavor to pursue, a fulfilling avenue to achieve any significant feeling of accomplishment.

    And it's just exhausting trying to explain who and why i am, to even give anyone any valid chance to legitimately help me in any way.

    The only useful motivation i ever experience anymore is anger, and i just don't even have the fortitude to carry it anymore.

    I'm not here to trash myself or to convince the world that i'm worthless, or to... i don't even know.

    Somehow i doubt that spending a bunch of energy writing words to strangers on a forum, will ever actually help me.

    Maybe i'm just torturing myself by not "flipping the switch," and prolonging my own suffering by lethargically and half-heartedly seeking the help that i don't believe actually exists.

    I know lots of people swear that help does exist, and profess various "solutions" are available... but when considering all the factors, i just don't think any of it means what they/we all want it to mean.

    Even With that help... my life won't ever be much of anything, and certainly will never result in anything i would call "happy."

    Maybe things could get a little better... but at what cost?

    It has to be worth doing or it's pointless.

    I'm tired of being demanded to follow paths that cannot lead to where i want or need to go, and cannot lead to anything worth never reaching my intended destinations, and will not result in an enjoyable journey.

    And yet, all my so-called "options," seem to share that exact same aspect. I don't want to bother seeking help to embark on a grueling journey to arrive at a place i never wanted to reach.

    It feels like i'm supposed to say: "help me live a life i'll never want." And then you're supposed to say: "you have to want it bad enough!"

    And i'm like: "..."

    If i can't have even the minimum of what i want, while anything insufficient i might gain, both costs and causes excessive suffering...

    Then maybe i don't want anything.

    Maybe i'd rather be nothing, than anything i am, or could ever be.

    Maybe i'm ready to face the nothing, and don't want help.

    Maybe after i'm gone, anyone who might care, will eventually figure that out about me.

    Or maybe, as i predict, no one will ever understand, and i should just accept that, and remove it from consideration.

    Once i'm gone, none of this matters.

    I guess i'll leave it there for now. There's a little glimpse into who i am, through my attempt to express some of my thoughts.

    While not exhaustive, it is indeed exhausting to be me.
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF. It strikes me that for someone who professes not to feel like putting too much effort into an intro you have in fact put in a great deal of time and effort. Perhaps you are equally ambiguous about your lack of interest or need of absolutely everything.
  3. clevername

    clevername Member

    Idk. I don't feel like i put much effort into it. Typing is easy. Wandering through fluid consciousness, letting the words just happen... virtually effortless. Focusing and being concise require effort. The things i really want someone to understand, and the ways i want to convey them, seem pretty impossible.

    I don't think it really matters who i am. I think all that really matters is that i only have two options: A) a life i don't want, B) die.

    I guess that's what brought me here.

    I'd rather die by choice, with dignity, instead of being a miserable burden on my family, and end up surviving long enough to see them give up on me, and then have to suffer exposure and starvation, in addition to all the other problems that brought me here.

    It's bleak, i tell you!
    Last edited by a moderator: May 11, 2013
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Just curious but after reading that I still do not know what it is that you either do want but think is impossible to have, do not want for yourself, or that makes intolerable now.....
  5. clevername

    clevername Member

    I'm feeling a bit too scattered to pull together all of the relevant factors into a coherent post... which is why i said i didn't put much effort into it... but i wanted to say something, so i did.

    I'm overwhelmed by even attempting to verbalize my overwhelming problems in a useful way. Perhaps i will return with details, when i feel capable.
  6. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF. I am not sure what it is you are looking for from us, but I do hope we can help you find it.
  8. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    It would seem there's only one thing you want at the moment...beyond that and your desire to go with dignity and not be a burden to (or more accurately not be dependent on) anyone, is there anything you would like in life that would bring you pleasure in any measure?
  9. Ladybugaboo

    Ladybugaboo Well-Known Member

    Oh, you seem like a very interesting person. Hi~ :) Welcome to SF.
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