Click... Click... Click...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dntwannabhere, Apr 17, 2012.

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  1. dntwannabhere

    dntwannabhere Member

    everyday is like a fucking tease... click click click.... one more click... would it work? theres good things and theres bad things in life and usually they outweigh eachother,, well thats what supposed to happen... everyday i think and think if i click and click thinking, is this the day i go 1 click too far... and theres been times i could easily do it and all i think about it every time i need to inject myself and how good it would be not coming back but somehow i hold back.. that one thing that only just stops me... i put up with shit everyday for one special time with you... i was put on this earth as a punishment.... everyone is.... it starts off with the best fairytale story.....

    you know is not true because its all on tv.... you feel like you are living too the full everything is perfect to tease you to make you feel like the happiest person in the world for it to do a 360 flip and whip your ass. remind you that everything u ever dreamed of will never be yours to make sure you are hurt the most u could ever be hurt.,.. its like holding a piece of chcolate in your face then suddenly pulling it away and saying NOPE! thats just a crappy exsample. if you have not guessed... im diabetic... i got to take insulin 4 times a day if i overdose i would drift into a coma and die... the thought of that is blissful... and apparently the best way to go... theres a lot going on in my lefe with friend ships and finding out everyone is using me for there personal pleasure im a puppet in the making hurting me left right and center.... i got married to a man i do not love anymore and it hurts more and more each day im with him it creeps me out to have him kiss me.. touch me and worst of all have sex with him... i cry secretly when we have sex because it hurts that much to be wth a man you do not love...

    my family are out to make me feel the worst than they can make me feel and i know if i divorce my husband that would be it.... not much going on with me... work on sun mon clean and be a fucking house bound slave cooking cleaning all day every day the same...
    you wonder what the click click is? thats me diling up my insulin to the measurment i require... every single time i think shall i? do i have the guts... would i change my mind after i do it? i would say no. so why havnt i done it yet you ask...

    one special person makes me think twice.. his name is sam...
    He is truely the love of my life!
    we met became mates and i saved his life once we became very close friends. before you know it we became a secret couple.... we have been through so much crap together that nothing could break us up litrially nothing! hes the reason why i have not clicked my sunsulin pen 1 too far... hes the reason why i treat my hypos when i have one... that little part of me whats to see how it goes but another part of me tells me that its just going to end in the same misery and dread like everything else in my life. he makes me feel like the most loved person in the world... makes me feel like a princess... i get cuddles kisses he even made cheese toast with the middle bit of cheese in the shape of a heart. everyday he makes my heart melt and everyday i feel so lucky to be with him... we are trying to get a place together but hiding everything from my husband intill the times right.
    i know its wrong and i hate myself for it but we are so desperate to get out and i get treated like shit b him... my sam cleans washes does anything to try and make me feel happy...

    sams gone to bed... im left sitting here wuth the insulin in my hand wandering again... what if... what if i click too far.... would i regret it? life is that hard but for the time being you are keeping me here and i think im looking for a prince like you to save a failure of a wife... a person... even though i know i should leave you to be with someone you really deserve someone whats not a fuck up and way better than ill
    ever be xxx
    i love you so so much... whenever i make up my mind to end it your love wraps its arms around me and makes me confused and your love stops me... im excited about us but i cant be too excited about our future because the world is designed to fuck everything up and i dont want to end in a bad note i want to end it knowing that i had someone that loves me as much as you do.

    so i put down my insulin pen thinking... not today.... but cant get the thought out of my head of maybe another day... i dont want to hurt you i want to tell you the truth because you deserve the truth... i want to protect you from all the hurt in the world but sometimes i cant protect u from my hurt....

    i love you so much and i want to be with you for the rest of my life even if thats one day or till we are old all warm in our bed xxx
     
  2. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I find it really great you have found somebody that treats you with respect and love.If your not happy in your relationship with your husband it is time to move on.to me he sounds like he has no respect for you yet this other guy is willing to be by your side.Very hard situation i know but sounds like you feel like a person again around Sam and sounds like youve found real comfort in your life when you are with him.Do the right thing for yourself you deserve to be happy.
     
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