Clinging on to a little bit of Hope left.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by K-mount, Sep 9, 2013.

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  1. K-mount

    K-mount Member

    Have you ever been so afraid of failure, yet you can't find the strength to keep moving forward although it's all there and so clear for you to accomplish? I am having that trouble right now. I have recently changed my major to Software Development and the stress is just about the same level as any other major that I've tried to pursue in the past, Photography A.S., French, and Accounting. Every time I have to study, even if it's not much, it puts on a tremendous amount of strain on my body where I can't sleep and feel like a mess.I feel that school is the only option, I am so certain that Software Development is what I want to do and IT is just what fits me. However I still struggle. I have tried taking a break from school and it made things worse. I feel like if I take another break, I will feel much worse. It's good to know that I am in school doing something and trying to pursue my future. I've heard of the term taking it a little at a time before, I think I've been doing that within the past few years because I have failed trying to make big leaps and taking it all in at once. Yet even the littlest of things puts a massive load of stress on me. I try telling myself that things will be better and it is only temporary, but I feel the things that will get better are temporary and the negative things are always there. I try to tackle my fears but I felt like I've been trying to do that all my life. I have a serious amounts of nervousness going to class everyday and doing everyday things such as making phone calls and doctors appointments, and paying for simplest things at even gas stations. I start to tremble and shake uncontrollably. Before going to class, I have to do a bowel movement a few times and feel like I have butterflies while in class. I've been diagnosed with Schizoaffective, bipolar, and depression before. I don't even know what my diagnosis is right now, I just take my medication as prescribed. Lithium, Abilify, and Mirtazipine.

    I feel like I haven't slept for 3 days during sometime last week. I don't even know if I slept at all during that time, I felt like I zoned out laying in my bed for hours trying to sleep. I wake up feeling exhausted. I typically can study a little or skim through most of a textbook and still be able to get an A on my quizzes and exams. I can easily achieve my goal of getting my degree within a couple of years as long as I don't switch majors. Still I am unable to find the motivation and dedication to keep moving forward. I feel like failing is not an option yet that's my only option because I cannot grasp reality and do what I am supposed to do. I can't push any further. I feel like I can manage myself and the diagnosis fine and I have been taking my medication as prescribed. I don't know if it's my mental illness that has a role in how I feel and think about all this. I don't know what to do, I have always been this negative all my life. I have always thought negatively because every time I think positively, the negative always happen; And if negativity happens, it isn't as bad as I had originally thought it was, and feel better about myself. I am unable to endure life. I have never kept a job more than 5 months in my life and every time I work, I feel the same way about school or maybe worse.

    I've had a couple of suicide attempts. I have not had a suicide attempt for almost two years which is the most I've gone without a suicide attempt since my first. Right now I don't know what to do anymore, I feel so hopeless. I want to live to make my family happy but I can't go on any further, I am only going to let those around me down. I am frustrated and exhausted of feeling fear all my life and feeling fear of going to class. I am turning 24 in less than a month and I feel benevolent about it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 9, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun if there is a councelor at your school talk to them ok let them know your disabilities and get the support you need with your school work. Extra tutoring or help to do things you find hard My girl used all the supports she could at school as without them s he would not have done well.

    Talk to your doctor ok let the doctor know the extra stress is causing some instabilites and perhaps get your anxiety mediation looked at

    It is good to take it slow school if it take 2 years instead of one that is ok hun as long as you are coping hugs
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