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clinging to the wreckage

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by rose33, Jun 5, 2008.

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  1. rose33

    rose33 Guest

    My clinical depression is suffocating me. The (excellent) film The Diving Bell & the Butterfly, seen yesterday, seems to have tipped the scale, in terms of my emotional pain.

    I've had this depression since I was a child, growing up in an alcoholic household and coping with severe emotional deprivation within superficial "riches" of upper middle class environment.

    Today: out of work, out of money. No family, but for a mother with alcoholic dementia and crack addict brother. Last two years spent working on MA in English. 4.0 GPA and I failed the oral exam.

    I just feel as if I've been through too much. Nothing worked out: rejected as writer, rejected as wife thanks to my disastrous romantic choices. In a position where there is no help for employment endeavors, no connections, no support of any kind. I've been applying for temp work to no avail and oh, everything just seems at an end. This world can ruin people; I know it from literature, from just reading the newspaper, and I feel it has finally overpowered me. Can't believe anyone would hire me; can't come up with a "face to meet the faces."

    I've been crying so hard all morning and now will take Ambien to find sanctuary in sleep. I am terrified that, with my health insurance terminated, I can't afford the market price for my Effexor and have only a few weeks' supply. It feels like the sand is falling through a huge hourglass, and there isn't much time left for me. Can't talk to people about this; can't burden the few friends I have. "Rose" is not my real name, but the name of a beloved dog now in heaven. Is she in a better world where I can join her? This is a frequent thought...
  2. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    I very much doubt that your friends would feel "burdened" by you talking with them about your feelings. That is, if they're your friends.

    You can talk about anything with anyone here.

    Welcome to the forum
  3. Xenos

    Xenos Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for all the troubles you went through. You can always PM me if you want a friend to talk to. You can talk to me about anything you want, k? :smile::smile::smile:

    But welcome to the forums, and I hope that you will find the support you need here. :biggrin: :hug: :hug:
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry that things have been negative for you lately. Can you retake the oral exam? Don't give up. Maybe things will look up in the next few weeks. I am sure your friends would not mind you talking to them. They would rather know how you are feeling and be given the chance to help then find you have harmed yourself and wish you had said something. I am glad you shared with us. Now share with them. :hug:
  5. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    Sorry that things are coming apart.

    I'm glad that you posted those things here. It gets some stress off and allows you a bit more thinking space.

    If those are truely your friends, then you should be able to tell them how you feel and they will try to help.
  6. rose33

    rose33 Guest

    Thanks, Gunner & GentleLady. I appreciate your kindness. For today I am taking it slowly. I am scheduled to retake oral exam at end of July and have a meeting w/professor who is helping me prepare in an hour. I will do that, and complete the task of referral request (for work) from another professor.
    Yesterday, I slept mostly. I have slept about 16 hours altogether. Early this morning I took a bath. Each little task seems big. I'm afraid I'll seem really strange to people.

    As for talking to friends, I feel so inarticulate, that it seems impossible. And I don't want to be the downbeat bummer on the phone ruining their day. This illness runs in my family. They mostly drank themselves to death, but I do not drink. Anyway, for today I will try to hang on. thanks again.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum Rose :arms:

    I hope you find the help and support you need here :hug:
  8. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    welcome to SF x
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