clinically cleansed

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at this very moment im sitting in a dark room staring into this window of light, the small piece of me that wants to live is searching for one single thread of life that i could possibly cling to, i am so scared of whats in the backroom, im motionless with fear.
when my life was in dissaray, i had little concept of reality but i was free to think and feel now that ive been clinically cleansed i have lost all meaning of existance, in the process of making me "normal" i have died inside already.
the worst part about being clinically cleansed is being a blank canvas, i have no loose ends, no past and no for seeable future, nothing really to live for, all i think about doing is matching the colourlessness in my mind with my new found reality.
all i have now is whats in the back room, i have tried to discard these tools of death but my resident evil keeps placing them back on the table always laid out neatly, i shall sit by this fire of saftey till day break, then god only knows.


Staff Alumni
Hi and so sorry this is your companion...I surely know how that feels...what has been going on for you, and what has brought you to that point? Please know that there are many ppl here who can relate and are here to show we care...big hugs and PM me if I can help...J


Well-Known Member
Hey Ilew - sorry to see feeling this way - and I empathise with it also.

If you are referring to medication 'numbing' you somewhat - and making you feel worse than you were not on medication - then maybe that drug does not work. Ironically some meds even have a side effect of making people suicidal. Seems almost laughable until you realise that its far from a joke for many going through it.

If you have trouble with meds - or they make you feel less alive than you were - maybe you ought to try something else. I guess I'd weather out medication for maybe 2 months - give it a good go to see if it works. But if the side effects were really bad - I'd stop using and see my doctor.

Someone I know went on sleeping meds due to not being able to sleep. His side effects included an array of dead relatives stopping by for a chat. He RAN to the doctors the next day - thankfully he knew it was an hallucination.

As for seeing no future - you can't really 'see' that. You just think it will be so and envision it and depression does the rest. Depression makes you think there is no future - but rest assured the future is still as yet an unknown. Anything could happen. In fact the odds favour you having some happiness during your tenure on this earth. The odds increase when feel better in ourselves - but people around will care and I'm sure that if you killed yourself then hearts would be broken.

I hope that you can see some light even though you might seem surrounded by darkness. Your life is not a bank canvas - you are who you are - and I'm sure you have connections out there with people who love you - you have a past that is yours - the present you don't want - but the future you should hope that it might be something and that you might be doing something worthwhile.

Any studies? Education? You have enough skills with the language in your summary of contending with the depression but is there more to how you feel? Or are you like others just depressed with no particular reason to be so?

Either way - I hope you see the sense in listening to others and can see that advising you to live is perhaps something you'd be doing if the roles were reversed.

Good luck and regards.
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