clock ticking is getting loud

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by jetrod, Nov 18, 2013.

  1. jetrod

    jetrod Member

    I'm gonna try and get everything out here.Try. As a kid i didn't make very many friends but did have a few close friends from early teens thru to about 5 yrs ago. Had first g/f at age of 22. Being scrawny, fugly, acne faced teen pretty much kept the confidence and girls at bay. I met the one g/f at a backyard hot tub party thrown by the few friends i had.I sat wearing my motorbike leathers, too pale to strip down to get in the tub. I was depressed to the point of looking for methods to end it when at the party i mentioned bungee jumping(testing to see if i could make the plunge from height, yup, with a bungee cord at least).She said she would bungee with me.She did and that was the beginning of my only relationship.I went from the pits of hell to bliss in a blink ( although there were still a lot of times when I'd lay awake at night waiting for it all to crumble,it was just too good to be true).fast forward a bit and...two kids, tho i don't believe i'm the biological father of the second. We both smoked pot and drank a little on weekends but nothing too far out there. Eventually she got to trying cocaine and discovered that she loved it more than me and the kids(seemed that way at least). After trying to help her quit it and even trying it myself just to try and reconnect with her on her level, she couldn't quit and I couldn't get into it. She then got into crack for a year or so before i gave up and kicked her out. Two years later she got clean and the courts gave her the kids(the system is so NOT fair). Since then I've been alone, She started sleeping with our guy friends and I walked away from them(nice friends they were, waiting for the chance). I've tried numerous anti-depressants and haven't had any success at all. They just didn't seem to do anything whatsoever.So for last five years I've lived alone, no friends. I work with one person only and he's a functioning alcoholic.My social life is saying hi to store clerks. In any kind of social avenue (bar, gathering of hot rod car nuts at my brothers...)I find that since I have no life, I had nothing to add to any conversation. I'm blank, a wall flower. If your life is work followed by sitting at home watching tv with your cats, it's hard to relate to anybody, just a lot of awkward silence.There is absolutely nothing that interests me anymore, I sold my motorcycles and muscle car last year so I could stay at home for a few months and not see anybody for as long as possible. I can't handle social situations anymore so I simply stay home. My kids are teens now and i don't want them burdoned with my depression so I rarely see them.They seem to be fine with this themselves. Their mom has a steady b/f and i think they're better off with him as a father figure, he seems like an ok guy and they like him, so why not? I've nothing against him. So as I sit here typing this, my way of thinking is this: If i died, the kids would be spared the burden of me, somebody else could make a living at my job and support their family. Somebody else could rent my apartment (I live two blocks from a small collage, a very wanted apartment). My siblings would have the relief of not wondering if/when I'm gonna end it. There's nobody else in my life so nobody else would be effected. I don't believe in any gods so I have none to offend. I'm just working so I can survive and have no reason to. Still fugly, still have nothing to offer another person to start a relationship. If i could have one wish tho, it would be to just cozy up to another warm body and fall asleep wrapped in another's arms just one more time. Sex isn't a priority,not even part of the equation, just the contact of another person, just once more. I can't see it happening tho unless I paid for it and that's just not something i could do.So as the famous question goes, why am I still here? I've no goals to achieve, not one, no chance of another relationship, just taking up space and the clock winding down my time left is getting too loud to bear. I've got the method figured out, quick and painless, just gotta go do it. I don't seem to feel any fear about doing it. I will however put in at least another week or two (maybe longer, i dunno)to meander through this site and see if I've missed something here to give me a reason(valid reason) to keep up with this so called life.
    P.S. there are a few other things that weigh down on me fairly heavily and are pushing me in that s'posed wrong direction, but for shame and other reasons unknown even to me,I've left them out. maybe later, i know they're significant.
    Thanks for letting me spill, it may help me to get through another sleepless night
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Great that you wrote this. It really helps to know who people are. I must say that you sound like a good guy. You have good standards. I wouldnt say this if I didnt mean it. You have been through a lot of pain.

    Are you sure your kids do not want to be around you? Sometimes depression is the great deceiver. Or thats what I think. It decieves us into believing we are insignificant and unwanted. I have noticed this in so many. And quite frankly in myself. I do hear you though that medications have not helped. I just wanted to ask if you are sure your kids do not want to be with you more often?

    I want to also say that it sounds like you have a good heart. Wounded? yes. But a good heart. To me, the heart is about the deepest truth of who someone is. Again, glad you wrote. Way too many of us are suffering and can relate to the depression you write about. The pain. The hurt. The wanting it to be over. Myself included. And yet. I am here. :hugtackles:
  3. jetrod

    jetrod Member

    I am quite sure the kids really don't wish to hang out much with me. No matter how hard a person tries, it's very difficult to hide your true feelings, I myself just simply cannot keep the smile from faltering. When the kids do visit I do try my best to keep the mood light but they know so much about how i'm doing/feeling, that I truly believe they're putting on a brave face and that it's putting undue stress on them. My daughter is still having a hard time dealing with the separation of her parents,I think partly due to the difference in how her parents are handling it. I myself started shutting down before we actually separated and have steadily gotten worse(isolation,quietness,lack of any interests and just generally don't care about anything), while her mother went in the completely different direction of going through multiple boyfriends back to back, from one guy twenty years her senior to the current b/f that's about ten years her junior(makes his age only a few years older than my daughter).The ex is a busy social butterfly. I think my daughter really wants to see me in another relationship, but honestly it's not gonna happen, i have nothing to offer anybody and don't want to bring anybody down to my level. It hurts so much to admit it but I'm not wanting to be near them because of my feelings towards myself and life in general. I've often thought that if I could find another job with hours opposite of my current job, I'd do both. just work 16 or so hrs a day since I'm not doing anything else and can't sleep more than a couple hrs a day, It would help pass the time better than sitting in my apartment watching netflix all night, but then I think "whats the point in living if all I do is work?" Tho that's all I'm doing now. Nobody ever sat on their deathbed saying " if only i spent more time working". Other than work, I'm doing absolutely nothing for anybody else on this planet. Since that is the case, what am I doing it for? I find it so unfair when somebody else in the middle of a loving family dies from cancer or something like that when I sit here wasting space and not wanting to live. I could at least maybe help someone that wants to live by being careful of how I go, leaving my organs intact so they could prolong the life of that person. If I could find somebody willing to pay for them, I could then leave money for my kids or at least cover funeral costs. I've gotten rid of most possessions already, don't have any money saved and don't have insurance to cover a funeral.Somebody else having to clean up and cover the costs is the most compelling thing I've come up with for a reason to keep going. I can't consider working long enough to save funeral costs a legitimate life goal and yet it's the best I've got. What else is there that's not just window dressing(nice cars, clothes, social status etc ). I have no interest in any of it. I'm doing my best to not let relatives or coworker know how bad I feel right now. I don't want attention, just a reason to keep going that's worthwhile. I have a lot of physical pain caused by my age and what I've put my body through over the years,(working drywalling,off/on road motorcycling etc) broken fingers, compressed discs etc. Nothing can be done to ease those either. The combination of physical and mental is too much with nothing good to look forward to.
    I'm sorry for the terrible ranting. I'm all over the place trying to get this out, I'm not very good at organizing my thoughts anymore. There's so many other things I'd like to put down here but I'm posting novels already and not saying anything that i want to say, just whining. It's so hard to hit the post button and send this......
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not wining you are letting go of some of the thoughts the confusion. Your kids would so miss you and i can say that as a kid whose father left t hem and i was young when it happen and it hurts still and i wish he would have stayed for us The will miss you and will not be better off without you. The love you and you cannot change that hun they will always need their father
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I think your posts are good. You are not ranting or whining. you are in pain.

    I do agree with total eclipse. Kids may not show they need or love us. But losing a parent to suicide is a life changing event that does not heal.

    I wish I had a suggestion re how to improve quality of life. But that is such a personal matter that I do not know. Would conseling help a bit? Just to have someone irl who you can be honest with? I think coming here is a great thing. The thing I know that helps the most is volunteering. Because it does give purpose to someone's life. But I do understand if you are so depressed that this is not an option. I with you could find a great therapist who you can talk with irl. And of course to keep posting here. Its such a great community. And you are a part of it now.