Close, but no cigar

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Freya, Aug 1, 2014.

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  1. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    This is going to sound stupid. I am very aware that portions of this sound stupid, so if your tolerance for 'stupid' is low, please don't read it.

    I am not a scientist but I believe that the universe is all about balance. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction and all that - not just in terms of physics but in terms of life, space, existence. I believe the universe is 'set up' for balance. There are lots of terms for it - the scientific have this 'equal and opposite reaction' thing, the religious have 'when god closes a door, somewhere he opens a window' - the concept of Karma... it all points to the same basic tenant that the universe is about balance - eventually.

    I believe - and this is where people start to tell me I am stupid -I believe that on some fundamental core level I am a bad person. I am not just worthless, I am toxic. I have racked up enough mistakes, enough bad things, that coupled with this fundamental... defect, deficiency, there is nothing I can do to 'balance' it. So the universe balances it instead. Every single time I start to feel flickers, moments, of happy, the universe adjusts the balance and throws something in the way to make sure the thing that was causing the flickers of happy goes away. To make sure that the thing that would make me actually happy is impossible.

    Believe me, I know it sounds like hogwash. In the beginning I was able to dismiss it as ridiculous, but as time passes it becomes more and more evident that it is not. There is more and more evidence that if I start to be happy about something, it will become impossible/be taken away. And I understand that it is balance - that it is because I do not deserve happy. I understand that it is my own fault, but that doesn't mean it does not hurt.

    I am not claiming that I have no agency here - I have free will and I have the power to make my own choices (mostly something I fuck up royally) - but I believe that no matter what I choose I am, on a very basic level, defective, toxic... wrong - and that this fact means that no matter what I choose, what action I take, the universe will always, in the name of balance, ensure that my base emotional state is to always be striving for 'okay'. That any and all things that might potentially tip the balance to actually okay with flashes of happy will be removed.

    Hope keeps me alive. Stupid senseless ridiculous hope that at some point in the future the universe might cut me some slack. I stupidly cling to any glimmer of light - allow myself to become a little hopeful, occasionally even slightly excited - over and over again - time after time - even though every SINGLE time, the hope is misplaced, unfounded. And I do not know why I have not learnt yet.

    And it is almost worse - that I can 'see' the place where happiness lives and I cannot even visit it. That I can very nearly touch the candle that would chase away the darkness but the motion of reaching for it extinguishes it, every time. Close - but no cigar.

    I am not enough - I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I am not pretty enough, I am not kind enough, lovable enough... I am not 'enough' of anything. I am, at best, an optional extra. And I have worked hard enough at acceptance that being an extra would be okay - generates enough sparkles of happy to sustain me - but working so hard at finding some small happiness in less seems only to mean that the universe takes more away.

    I am starting not to make sense, and crying in the office (again) is not ideal. And writing this changes nothing anyway. Only that I felt the need to explain. To have someone understand why I can't anymore - because NOTHING I do is good enough to balance out the toxicity - because I am a bad person and there is nothing I can do that will ever be enough to counter it. Why I give up. Why I have had enough.
     
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  2. JMG

    JMG Well-Known Member

    Hey Freya I am so sorry you are feeling so bad and upset right now and I don't know whether there is anything I can say that would help in any way but I will try and hope for the best anyway. I understand the feelings you are having right now as I, and I think most other people also, have felt the same way about things at times. I don't think you seem like a bad person at all though it sounds like you are hard on yourself, take too much responsibility for things that happen that are out of your control, and that you are your own worst enemy (as are most people I think). I've seen enough of your posts on here to see that you are not only NOT a bad person at all, but you are actually quite a nice and good person. Your posts in general seem to be very nice and thoughtful.

    When upsetting things happen it can be stressful and the mind can sometimes get a bit panicky about it but most of the things in life that "happen" to people really are out of their control. All we can ever control in the end is our own reaction to them. To say it confirms we are a bad person and deserve it is just not true at all. I'm sure you've probably heard of the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People, perhaps you have even read it, but ya that is def. just kind of a part of life, sucky and unjust as it sometimes seems to be. It sounds like your mind tries very very hard to find reasons for why things happen as they do and why they are as they are, I am like that too and I think a lot of other people are as well, maybe even most people. To let your mind lead you to believe all those horrible things about yourself - that you aren't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, all of that stuff, is to let it win.

    What I try to do when those kinds of thoughts get going in my own mind is imagine it is someone else saying those things to me n then it becomes a lot easier to just get mad at them (the thoughts) instead and that therefore gives me the energy and motivation to fight back and say "be quiet, you are wrong, stop" anything like that. The main thing with that though is to say it with as much conviction as you can muster, don't know if you've tried that before but if you haven't then it might be worth giving a try. It has helped me quite a bit with that kind of stuff. After a bit of practice it becomes easier and is quite empowering. It is basically a way of becoming, if not your own BEST friend, then at least MORE of a friend to yourself. It's a very great feeling to know that when your mind starts thinking those kinds of things that you don't just have to lay down and take it and that you can refuse to let it convince you of any of that nonsense no matter how hard it tries. The ego can be so wicked mean about things, I know, but it does it out of self-protection and is a very complicated thing. I've read some books about it trying to get a better understanding of why it does things the way it does and all that kind of stuff, it is very interesting as well as helpful so I highly recommend doing that as well. Hope you will feel better soon and also please do not ever give up no matter what. *Hugs, peace & love to you always, you are a GOOD person* :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 1, 2014
  3. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I can only imagine your frustration. In my opinion, and all I've got to go on is what I've seen from you here, you are an exceptional person. One who is highly intelligent; writes flawlessly well, helps others effortlessly & c & c... I know that you believe what you believe and you feel how you feel. I too, think what I think (about myself), and there's not been one single friend who's been able to change that view in all these years. All I would say is this: maybe try not to allow it to venture into "self-fulfillment" territory. So, in other words, if I believe that my Fate or my destiny or whatever you want to call it is already set in stone, then why bother fighting it? It doesn't matter how I approach matters, my happiness shall always be extinguished. And possibly it would make no difference, but it's worth a shot; or at the very least, a change of perspective? Also, I hardly agree that your hope is absurd. Mine might be, but certainly not yours! Look at you. Sitting there-crying, yes-but also at work. Working. Presumably rather successfully. And even if that's not 1000% so, it sure beats the alternative (unemployment). I realize that this is difficult to see when you've worked hard to earn and attain your status and your position in your place. But believe me, it is something--something so very positive--& you ought to feel a profound sense of accomplishment over it. At least I know (or I'd like to think!) I would. Peace-
     
  4. Newguy12

    Newguy12 Member

    Nothing that you've posted sounded stupid. I understand what it's like to feel like a toxic person who has made too many mistakes. I understand what it's like to feel undeserving of happiness. I wish there was more I could do to help you other than to say that I feel the same way most of the time, but I'm not sure how to do that.

    I don't know you, since I'm still quite new around here and don't really know anyone yet, but based on what has been said about you in this thread already, it sounds like you most certainly are a good person. I hope you can find a way to convince yourself that that is true.
     
  5. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I would guess that a criterion for personal beliefs is not whether they describe reality in any objective or accurate way, which they can't do, but whether these beliefs "work" for you in helping you make good decisions.

    Best wishes to you; you deserve the best.
     
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