This is going to sound stupid. I am very aware that portions of this sound stupid, so if your tolerance for 'stupid' is low, please don't read it. I am not a scientist but I believe that the universe is all about balance. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction and all that - not just in terms of physics but in terms of life, space, existence. I believe the universe is 'set up' for balance. There are lots of terms for it - the scientific have this 'equal and opposite reaction' thing, the religious have 'when god closes a door, somewhere he opens a window' - the concept of Karma... it all points to the same basic tenant that the universe is about balance - eventually. I believe - and this is where people start to tell me I am stupid -I believe that on some fundamental core level I am a bad person. I am not just worthless, I am toxic. I have racked up enough mistakes, enough bad things, that coupled with this fundamental... defect, deficiency, there is nothing I can do to 'balance' it. So the universe balances it instead. Every single time I start to feel flickers, moments, of happy, the universe adjusts the balance and throws something in the way to make sure the thing that was causing the flickers of happy goes away. To make sure that the thing that would make me actually happy is impossible. Believe me, I know it sounds like hogwash. In the beginning I was able to dismiss it as ridiculous, but as time passes it becomes more and more evident that it is not. There is more and more evidence that if I start to be happy about something, it will become impossible/be taken away. And I understand that it is balance - that it is because I do not deserve happy. I understand that it is my own fault, but that doesn't mean it does not hurt. I am not claiming that I have no agency here - I have free will and I have the power to make my own choices (mostly something I fuck up royally) - but I believe that no matter what I choose I am, on a very basic level, defective, toxic... wrong - and that this fact means that no matter what I choose, what action I take, the universe will always, in the name of balance, ensure that my base emotional state is to always be striving for 'okay'. That any and all things that might potentially tip the balance to actually okay with flashes of happy will be removed. Hope keeps me alive. Stupid senseless ridiculous hope that at some point in the future the universe might cut me some slack. I stupidly cling to any glimmer of light - allow myself to become a little hopeful, occasionally even slightly excited - over and over again - time after time - even though every SINGLE time, the hope is misplaced, unfounded. And I do not know why I have not learnt yet. And it is almost worse - that I can 'see' the place where happiness lives and I cannot even visit it. That I can very nearly touch the candle that would chase away the darkness but the motion of reaching for it extinguishes it, every time. Close - but no cigar. I am not enough - I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I am not pretty enough, I am not kind enough, lovable enough... I am not 'enough' of anything. I am, at best, an optional extra. And I have worked hard enough at acceptance that being an extra would be okay - generates enough sparkles of happy to sustain me - but working so hard at finding some small happiness in less seems only to mean that the universe takes more away. I am starting not to make sense, and crying in the office (again) is not ideal. And writing this changes nothing anyway. Only that I felt the need to explain. To have someone understand why I can't anymore - because NOTHING I do is good enough to balance out the toxicity - because I am a bad person and there is nothing I can do that will ever be enough to counter it. Why I give up. Why I have had enough.