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Close to 6 am, but I feel like writing.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Blood of Kingu, Jul 14, 2018.

  1. Blood of Kingu

    Blood of Kingu Active Member

    Can't sleep, not sure why. I just tend to feel more comfortable staying awake through the night.

    I could've said hello earlier. But I don't know, I've been walking a dark path but I've been too prideful to admit it.
    And well, perhaps my pride shouldn't be at the cost of my own health.

    Do have mercy on this guy for being all poetic. :p

    I'm 20 years old, turning 21 in August. Not that I care much, it's just another day to me. I've always been a melancholic person for as far as I can tell. As a kid I was always silent, I still am, I just hide it behind a mask of charisma and humour to make people smile. When puberty came I found myself contemplating about everything and nothing, I still do.

    And now? Well, I'm a grown man who looks in the mirror and isn't sure what he can make of himself. Honestly, there's alot of things I don't recognize in the mirror, things that don't feel like it should be me. Things that go beyond talents and personality.

    I'm lonely, I've never been in a relationship. It's not that I'm a bad looking guy or anything. It just hasn't happened yet. It keeps me awake at night because I've nobody to care for. Nobody to share my heart with. I've been in love only once in my whole life, but that just never happened because I didn't understand love and was worried that I would break her heart. I think I must've broken my own instead, I'm no longer in love, but I just wonder if I did the right thing. If I was perhaps too considerate for my own good. Not seeing eachother at all anymore, wishing that we could still look eachother in the eye as friends. It's like we're strangers now.

    But, some years later, I can get over that. Envy is ruling my life. I feel like I'm forever doomed to stand in other people's shadow no matter how hard I work, and it's eating me from the inside. I look at people succeeding in things where I failed, and where I will keep failing. It's hard to bear. Envy's a difficult word for me to use. It sounds as if I resent people for succeeding where I failed, that's not true. They deserve it, I just find it hard to be a witness, feeling helpless and unable to better myself so I can reach my own potential, something I can be proud of and say ''That's my talent''.

    On my worst days, I just want to put an end to it. <mod edit - method> But something's holding me back. I don't want to die leaving people who love me heartbroken. I don't want my suffering to end so that another person's suffering begins.
    I want to make something of myself. I have dreams, I want to sing and make music, not just watch other people make music where I stand in the background, because they got allowed in a music education and I failed twice. Fall in love, for real this time and actually find someone. I mean, hell I want to look in the mirror and actually know who I am. Sometimes I barely feel like this body is right for me, and wonder if I shouldn't be something else. Makes me want to see if there's a next life after my death that might grant me that wish. But for all I know it's just eternal black and silence.

    I've not given up, but if it wasn't for all these conflicting thoughts holding me back, I fear I might've done exactly that already.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 20, 2018
    AsphyxiateOnWords likes this.
  2. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Hello there
    Welcome to the forum
    You're a young guy who is obviously smart and introspective. If you didn't have anything going for you then you wouldn't be here, know what I mean?
    I hope that you find what you're looking for here. You've just made a whole lot of new friends. Keep posting. See you around.
  3. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Hi there, just checking in and seeing how you're doing here. Finding your way around ok?
  4. Blood of Kingu

    Blood of Kingu Active Member

    Just a regular day. I'd say I feel just about neutral. ;)