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Close to breaking point

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by suicidalperson123, Feb 20, 2015.

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  1. suicidalperson123

    suicidalperson123 New Member

    This will probably be long.

    I'm not sure how much longer I can keep living. I self harm and I have done for years. I started when I was really young with scratching myself until I bled or it left marks (I didn't even know it was self harm as I was that young), then one night, I unscrewed the blade from a pencil sharpener and I've been cutting ever since. I was bullied ever since I started school, labelled an outcast, hated and shunned by everyone, with no friends. As well as verbally abusing me daily, they also punched, kicked and pinched me. I felt and I still feel alone. What they did planted a seed of doubt in my mind. It made me hate myself, wonder why I even bothered with life. All the emotional pain I had was locked up inside me and I could feel it all of the time, like a dead weight, a constant reminder. When I sliced my skin, it stopped the pain inside of me - it made me feel empty, instead of full of pain. I moved school over 15 times to get away from the bullies, but with each and every school there was a new one or a gang of them. Now I've finally settled at a school after the person that bullied me left (by then I didn't really care about what they said as I was too damaged by the bullies before them), but I still feel so alone. I'm constantly sad and depressed. I put on fake smiles but lately I couldn't be bothered to and no one even noticed. I only have a couple of friends but I always feel like no one likes me and they always ditch me for their other friends - they only care when I'm the only one around. I'm so suicidal right now. Everything I do goes wrong, I'm such a worthless piece of crap. I told two of my friends but one of them doesn't understand (now things are really awkward between us when we're alone, so I feel even worse because it's something else I screwed up) and the other is suicidal too. I really don't know what to do anymore. I have a date set for my suicide and a note already written. I want the pain I feel to stop. I'm reaching out here because I want help. I don't want to die as such, I just feel like it's the only way to stop this endless cycle of pain. I admit that I'm addicted to cutting and that I'm depressed and suicidal. Admitting addiction is the first part of the overcoming the problem right? I can't reach out to my parents because they have a stigma with mental health. Last time I tried to talk to them, they told me I was "just being stupid" and "needed to get a life" (my sister's also like that and would probably go and tell my parents). I can't go to the doctors because I live in the UK and I'm under 16, so one of my parents would have to be present for the appointment and they wouldn't do it because of their stigma. There's also not an authority figure that I trust enough (especially since a girl I know who self harmed and is suicidal told the school and the teachers spread it around like a rumour and now most people know). Who am I supposed to talk to? Because I know if I don't get help soon, I'm going to to go through with it. And I know I'm capable of it.

    Sorry for the rant.
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hello! First of all, no need to apologize--for anything, ever... okay? Now, there is help out there. Sometimes it just takes some effort to find it and therefore get the treatment that you need. The assistance to allow you to not have to feel like this anymore. Now it isn't easy, but then again, when a lot of damage has been done to us over time, it may take some time to balance the equation, so to speak. But I am here to tell you that it is very possible and not at all nearly as difficult as you may imagine it to be. Even though you believe that your parents feel this way about those issues. I'd like to think that if you talk to them honestly, and sincerely, they will listen to you and hear what you are saying. And then hopefully, help you seek the professional care that you deserve. Is there a counselor on hand at your school that you could speak to? If so, they surely should not be subject to rumors and the like. If not, maybe find your best or favorite teacher and perhaps confide in them in private. How about a neighbor or family friend, or even a friend's parent? My main point is that you've got to be determined to look for help and make your voice heard. Try not to worry about the consequences, when we're talking about life and death you've got to pull out all the stops. You owe it to yourself. And if your parents don't wish to believe you and hold onto their stigma, take it from me, they do not with to learn this lesson the hard way. As for friends, they're always going to be tough to count and rely on in terms of mental health support. Some are better than others, more trustworthy and etc. But by and large, I would not bank on counting on them. Rather, I would be beyond pleasantly surprised if and when one of them decides to be there for you, through thick and thin, no matter what. Good luck. Take care. And keep us posted.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 20, 2015
  3. painful tears

    painful tears New Member

    Hey! There is no reason to apologize. I know its really hard to want to keep going forward, but thats what you have to do. Ive been in your same position before and I felt hopeless for a long time, but I told a very very close friend about everything that was going on and they helped me get the help that I needed. I went to inpatient therapy for a while and then continued to go to outpatient after that. It really helped me. If you are looking for ways to get better look up inpatient or outpatient programs near you and call them. I improved so much from going to those types of programs. Never lose hope. Theres always hope. If you are thinking about inpatient or outpatient I highly recommend telling a parent or trusted friend or family member. Good luck! I really hope I helped. Keep me posted on how you are.
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You have no need to apologise. Wow, being bullied is a tough situation as well as changing 15 schools. Self-harming is not the answer. Try the alternatives such as an elastic band or ice cubes. Same affect but no damage. I'm so sorry that you experienced such a terrible and harshful time. You got to remember bullies pick on the easiest target and that is not right. I admire that you have posted here and let me reassure you have joined an understanding community.

    You have no need to have such suicidal thoughts as you are a young person who has the whole of life in front of you. Depression is hard but you can handle it by dealing with one day at a time. You need to remain calm and just try to settle to a routine. Your parents will support you through this tough period of your life and they would miss you if you did anything.

    You need to be surrounded by people when you have these thoughts as trying to deal with on your own is no good. Staring at four walls everyday does not help. Yes, it's easy to say and harder to do in practice. You are strong in that you have survived bullies all your life and that is something you should be proud off. No one can take that away from you. I know it's tough to "fit-in" with the in crowd at school and most of the time it's a popularity contest. You just need to focus on yourself which is the important thing and try to get some counselling for the anxiety you are feeling.

    All I can say to you is that you cannot "define normal" as everybody is an individual and have their own personality. You are young and need to enjoy life such as playing video games and not having to go through such a traumatic time. I know I'm assuming a lot but you are IMPORTANT and have all your life ahead of YOU.

    Perhaps doing some voluntary work in the community will help you. You need to occupy your time as well study for a better future. You are an AMAZING PERSON and as we all know all bullies are cowards. Please do not hard on yourself and be proud in who you are. I know you are suffering but all of us here understand what you are going through. Please just think after reading this post, YOU START YOUR LIFE NOW. Get the counselling as it will help you truly.

    I would not worry about stigma as people who want to say stuff will talk and gossip to their hearts content. The important thing to remember that YOU are happy in yourself and not others. YOU live your life for YOURSELF and not others. Be safe and keep posting.

    Remember someone, somewhere in the world is suffering like YOU. You are NO LONGER ALONE.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2015
  5. suicidalperson123

    suicidalperson123 New Member

    Thank you for all your support :)

    I tried to talk to my parents again and they still didn't take me seriously. They just said "oh, give me a break, people are dying in the world and have it 20 times worse than you", and I know that may be true but I still feel the way I do. I'm currently off school as it's the holidays, so I couldn't talk to a teacher even if I tried. There's no counsellor at my school at all and I really don't trust any of the teachers anyway as they barely know me so it would be like talking to a stranger and that makes me feel uncomfortable... I know I seem like I'm making excuses not to talk to someone, but there really is no one I can tell (I'm very closed in socially, I don't know my neighbours and I don't really have any family friends). My friend (the suicidal one) did try and help me (but since they're suicidal too, it's hard). They have had therapy and it did nothing for them. I still want help despite their bad experiences though.

    I searched on the internet for an inpatient/outpatient clinic near me, and the nearest one was London and nobody would take me there and my parents don't let me out of the house alone.

    I know people say "you have so much to live for" but all I feel is pain all of the time and that's all I'm living for. Everyday is just monotonous and pointless...
    I've thought about my future and I can only see myself cutting and drinking my way through life and stuck in a dead end job (my grades are dropping fast at the moment because of the way I'm feeling - not that the school cares).

    I've tried distractions, however I usually cut at night when I'm alone with my thoughts and meant to be sleeping and nothing is on hand to distract me (no phone, iPod etc)...

    I will try using an elastic band... The thing is, even though I know it's not right, I don't want to stop cutting. I'm completely addicted...

    It's so hard to keep going on.
  6. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    You sound like a very highly intelligent and supremely decent human being. I want to tell you that there were three people my age that did what you're thinking of when I was your age (I'm over double yours now...): in any case, I've often thought, wondered, and believed (almost knew it in my heart & soul rather) that if they'd had the chance to do it again--that is to say, if they could stop at say age 18, 24, 31, etc. & look back at their own lives in that point and time; would they still do it? Coming from my own point of view, and specifically how drastically life can, will & does change, I can't see how they would make the same decision if given the opportunity for a "do-over." Sadly, so many of us never get that second chance... Any way, I know it's next to impossible to process what it's going to feel like as you grown and mature and have life happen to you. But things change. Whether you want them to or not. I think my world morphed like a rubik's cube (google it) ten times over by the time I was 20. Perhaps it feels like light years away, but what can I say? I don't know what your version of phoning for emergency is there--it's 911 here--A&E? In any case, if you get to that breaking point where you think there's no turning back, just go ahead and give that number a ring. They can send help. Which can transport you to a hospital/clinic. And then you can get referred to in/outpatient services somewhere. Don't think about, "What are my Parents going to do?" If they won't listen (& it's not totally their fault; it's popular culture & perhaps a historically British/American point of view) and get you help, then you need to take matters into your own hands. I wish you the best of luck, as this is no way to spend your holiday.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2015
  7. Have you ever thought of opening a blog and talking shit about bullies and bullying in general? OPening a blog can help combat the effect of the bullying, can help you realize that you are not screwed up, you were just being victimised, that you are not different because of a defect- you act different because you were treated differently, and that it is the bullies' fault, not yours.

    Also, a blog can attract other people who have problems that will then realise they are not alone.
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