close to buying pills

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by _Lily_, Aug 30, 2013.

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  1. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    Am struggling with thoughts of killing myself ...
    The reason am feeling this way is that my step dad killed himself 2 years ago 17th of September i loved him as i would love anyone who brought me up ... I blame myself for his death ...there must have been signs that he was ill
    we where so busy looking at my mums illness to see what was going on for him ... i guess we didn't look at him and how he was feeling about my mums cancer about things that where just too hard for him to bare .

    I want to hurt myself over and over for my part of ignoring something that was going on in front of me
    He needed help and we werent there for him when he needed us the most

    Am so close to buying pills to OD on but my husband is trusting me to go to the Mosque and not buy any
    I know the last time id tried to kill myself my mum was very upset and i had to tell her about the voices
    I know my death would break her heart but i feel she is better off with out me
    My husband would be better off with out me too
    Am so messed up he needs someone who has there head turned on straight and can deal with things better than me
    I cant get these thoughts to stop OCD though over the death of my step dad
    I have my husband who i can talk about this with but i dont want to burden him with all this i dont want to trigger my husband into self injuring he is doing so well doing without self injury.
  2. shedhaddock

    shedhaddock Banned Member

    I am sorry to hear that you feel this way. You cant go on blaming yourself for someone else's death.
    Do you have a therapist you can talk to? that may help you feel like less of a burden to anyone else, and I am always here of you want to talk?
  3. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    I talked to my husband about this he says it not my fault ...i just miss my step dad :(
    Thank you
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