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Close to giving up.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sycotic_Sarah, Apr 26, 2007.

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  1. Well, title says it all really. I am on verge of giving up. Recently, well, more like yesterday, I got so desperate to hurt myself I went outside and got a piece of glass, I just needed to hurt myself, I felt so desperate, I just, my mom doesn't even know, no one does, I just got so desperate I went outside and got some glass and cut.

    My school situation is shit. We had a meeting, discussing about going day not residential, however this cannot be met because they feel I have to prove I can be there. Which is shit. I was prepared to give up alot to just go day, and they threw it back in my face. So now, I have to be there on Monday, I DON'T want to go. I want to stay here. I want to go day, not all week, I can't handle that, I'm not prepared for it, I really ain't.

    Suicidal wise, it's getting worse. I am researching suicide methods, writing suicide notes, well, finished it almost, I am testing suicide methods which isn't good because I feel shit if it doesn't work. I just feel really suicidal and depressed.

    I'm starting to hear voices, get paranoid, thinking people are watching me everywhere, like they are spying on me through little holes in my house, or just have ways where they can see me. The voices tell me bad stuff, I sometimes do it. Nothing like burning the house down, just things to inflict upon myself more or less.

    I'm at a dead end to be frank. I don't know what to do. I'm so close to giving up, I really am. :sad:
  2. leptoon

    leptoon Well-Known Member

    I tried to PM you but I can't for some reason...

    Please try to hold on. I know that they only want you to go to the hospital because they believe you are a danger to yourself, and I must say I have to agree. Maybe being hospitalized isn't a bad thing. They might be able to help you.

    Are you on any medications?

    It seems that what you are describing may be psychotic depression. I am not sure because I haven't talk to you, but with the voices and depression mixed, it could be. But I wouldn't know unless we talked.

    Please try to hold on until Monday. Just see how things go over the week. If you need someone to talk to, my contact details are in my signature.
  3. I'm under moderation so I can't have PM privalidges, chat privalidges, ect.

    Oh, no, residential as in schooling, it is where you go weekly, you go home at weekends/holidays, I don't want that, it's nothing to do with helping me, it's for education.

    I don't have physcotic depression, I'm fine, mentally, I think... I don't think I have a problem... I think... I don't know. >.>
  4. make_me_bad

    make_me_bad Well-Known Member

    if you are hearing voices or genuinely believe that people are watching you, you are indeed suffering from some form of psychosis. medications like risperdall can be extremely effective against this.

    your second paragraph confused me, does your school know that you're having problems? if so, why doesn't your mother know? have you received professional help before?
  5. leptoon

    leptoon Well-Known Member

    Well, school... In that case, just don't go. Find another school to go to if they won't let you go to that one during the day.
  6. Yes, previously I have, however they 'gave up' on me. I refuse to get any sort of help now because I can cope with this by myself... well, not really.

    My mom knows I have some issues, although not all of the ones I have mentioned here or that have not been posted. The school, not really...

    I do think people are watching me, so I act 'normal', and I sometimes see shadows behind me, I hear someone calling my name, just that sort of stuff...
  7. leptoon

    leptoon Well-Known Member

    I agree. You should be on medication. You do seem to have some form of psychosis. I think its psychotic depression, but thats just my opinion. Are you seeing a psychiatrist?
  8. Leptoon-

    I can't. That school is especially for people like me. People with special needs. No other school would be possible as I'm in Year Nine, close to my SAT's, aswell as GCSE options soon, so it'd be too late and too difficult to find me another school capable of meeting my needs.
  9. Geez, I'm too slow at replying.

    Again, leptoon-

    I don't think I should be on medication because if something was wrong with me it'd be recognised by now, plus I have been in a psyciatric ward before, they didn't find me as mentally ill and so on.

    I am not seeing anyone at the moment as I have already said, I don't want any help.
  10. leptoon

    leptoon Well-Known Member

    Maybe you should be seeing someone.

    I know you don't want to, but it can do a lot of good in the long run. Maybe you could just try it? If you don't like it I won't ever mention it again :smile: Have you ever seen a psychiatrist?

    Sorry if I seem pushy. Its in my nature, lol.
  11. Yes, and a social worker, and a therapist, I've seen loads of people, all of which didn't help.

    At one point I was going to be offered medication, but I was so young they didn't find it as neccersary. I don't want to be on medication either. Nothing is probably wrong. It's just how I work. I just think people are watching me and stuff. >.>
  12. make_me_bad

    make_me_bad Well-Known Member

    if the thought of seeing a psychiatrist is intimidating you could start with a psychologist or even just a therapist. he or she will likely offer some (usually very good) advice, and refer you to a psychiatrist who will prescribe you to an appropriate medication. you don't even have to talk to the psychiatrist if you choose not to.
  13. leptoon

    leptoon Well-Known Member

    Good idea. Perhaps you should try talking to an online counselor? *hint hint* You can't be face to face with them, you can stop at any time, and they don't know where you live. Its great for someone in your position.
  14. I have done this many times before, perhaps I should, maybe.

    I don't think I have any sort of mental health illness, I think I just over-react sometimes. I just think people are watching me, against me, plotting against me, wanting to hurt me, I don't know, meh.

    Thanks you two. :hug:
  15. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Sarah it's me maybe you should see if you can go on some type of medication,also if you don't want to go residential then don't go as it will only upset you more maybe.I'm alway's here for you,you know that.
  16. I don't want to nor need to be on medication. I am fine.

    Sorry to have bothered posting.

    Maybe I should just have bothered to slip out quietly. No one would miss me. Glad to oblige to slipping out un-noticably.

  17. paranoidxe

    paranoidxe Well-Known Member

    Suicide is a selfish move, it only hurts all the people that care about you (which you probably think is nobody), don't do it.

    I've been in the moods before where I've thought about it, but I always think about the people I would hurt if I were to commit suicide. (specifically my parents)

    Life has its ups and downs, you just got to learn to plow through it and realize the grass is greener on the otherside.
  18. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug: sorry to hear all that, I must be very hard, that shows how strong you really are.. if you'd like to talk you can message me on MSN, sorry I was away last time you messaged me. :( :hug:
  19. Let's put it this way. My mom has handed me the equitment. My dad has abandoned me and told me I'm a failure and no longer aloud to be called his daughter, only a thing. My family have all at some point told me to just get it over with and do it properley. One of my aunts even smashed a glass for me and put it to my throat and told me to do it properley and stop fucking about.

    I don't have many people who give a shit in person. The only one who I think cares is my sister, but even she and me don't talk alot, she is always out trying to escape for the atmosphere in the household, I can't however because I have some sort of social phobia and can't leave without getting extremely anxious, so I stay inside.

    On here, many people probably do care about me, not just on SF, but on my MSN, however, I highly doubt my death will cause any trouble considering I am a burden to these people, it will more or less cause happiness and joy.

    It's okay Carolyn, I didn't expect a reply, I knew you were away, just thought I'd give it ago. :hug:

    Now, to everyone who thinks I'm a little attention seeking selfish thing, I'm not. My mother was selfish to bring me into this life because I wasn't even planned and she probably had this idea to hurt me and make me feel so worthless. She succeeded. I'm sick of this shit life and I'm sick of everything in it. Nothing is ever going right. Everyday it's either the same, or worse. Nothing ever gets better. Ever for me. Never will either because I've waited since I was seven for things to get better. It's only got worse, and worse, and worse.
  20. make_me_bad

    make_me_bad Well-Known Member

    naw.. naw naw naw.

    you obviously have at least some understanding that your family isn't the best, and thus your situation is not your fault. it hurts to have parents like that, i know.

    you need to get out of that house.
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