While at this moment I am not actively suicidal, I am a step or two before saying that. My life has been one of isolation with nothing to do and things I could/should be doing I am not. I live alone and have let my home and myself get into bad shape. I rarely take a shower and rarely change my clothes. No place to go or do equates to my doing nothing. I am managing to hold onto some hope but that hope is under attack for I do not see much to hold onto hope for. One way I try to keep the feelings under control is for me to burn myself. Nothing is really left for me now. I was essentially pushed out of a job I had for 23 years because my branch chief and team lead did not want me there. My choices were find a way out by medical disability, transfer, or possibly being fired. I have tried to find another way to fill my time but either I do not have enough money to do it or else my depression has been holding me back. I think about death and always make sure I have a way to try suicide. I am not actively looking for it though. If I were to sincerely decide to attempt suicide, I could be ready within a day or less.