close to the edge

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Malcontent, Oct 21, 2008.

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  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I want to overdose. I think I've got enough pills for it to work. I'm not saying I'm definitly going to, but I really really want to.

    I'm just so tired. The bullshit never lets up for a second. There's always somebody expecting something from me. No one ever says that I'm ok just as I am. I always have to be stronger, work harder, think faster. It's like I've got this giant school report on my life that just says "Could do better", that's what all the real ones said as well. Who the hell decided that I have to always be perfect no matter what? What is the definition of the ideal person and why am I the only one that's constantly held up to it and found lacking? I can't possibly be mr wonderful all the time, no one can. But I'm never cut any slack and it's crushing me down into the ground. It'd be so easy to OD and escape it all, but if I did it I'd be a selfish coward instead of a fallible human being in insurmountable pain. But no matter what I do I'm a selfish coward anyway, so what's the point in carrying on? I'm sorry I'm a disappointment and a failure and never ever good enough.
     
  2. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    hey hun

    like i said to u last night i am here anytime u want someone to talk to.
    we all care about you and love you to bits.
    you are just prefect the way you are hon.

    pm me if you want to talk and please dont harm yourself xxxxxx
     
  3. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Please don't harm yourself. I really hope you re-consider this...I understand what it's like to feel like nothing you do is good enough. But it's not worth killing yourself over. :hug: am here if you want to talk.
     
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please don't overdose on pills malcontent. You will probably end up in the emergency room and suffer organ damage.
     
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I have heard about people who OD end up drowning from there own vomit. Your body tells you there is something wrong, so it fights back. Please don't take the pills, flush them so they aren't available. Then find yourself a good therapist. You will be surprised just how much they can help. We are here for you if you want to talk!!!~Joseph~
     
  6. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Thank you for the replies. Obviously I haven't od-ed, as you can see by the fact that I'm posting (unless hell has had broadband installed). I still want to though, I can't see any point in living but loads in dying. There are people who'd be a lot happier if I'd died long ago so I might as well just do them the favour. I already know that my opinions are always second best to anyone else's. I'm the shit on the bottom of society's shoe - uneducated, unemployed scum who always has to point out the bad side to everything and refuses to be "normal". The world would be better off without me, I'm just being selfish by staying alive. I don't show it but I'm so angry at everything, I might do terrible things if I ever lose control long enough to let that side out. But I feel it rising closer to the surface every day and once I snap there'll be no going back. I'd rather be dead than let that happen. I've tried therapy and meds and many other things but nothing stops this fury from boiling inside me.
     
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Malcontent,
    Have you been in the hospital to get evaluated on what you are going thru? They have meds to help keep your temper manageable. Just go to the emergency room and tell them you are planning on harming yourself and probably anyone around you at the time. Good Luck!~Joseph~
     
  8. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    That's the problem though, my temper is so well managed that it never comes out. Only 3 people in the entire world have ever heard me raise my voice, I've never been in a physical fight, I've never laid a finger on anybody in anger. I'm the sort of person who fishes moths out of the sink and holds them until they dry out. My outward behaviour is so far from violent it's unhealthy. I've been under the care of doctors and therapists before and I don't even get angry there, not even when I've been encouraged to, not even when I have a damn good reason. It's all so internal that no one even believes that I'm capable of anything violent, and in a way they're right because I would kill myself before that happened.
     
  9. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Hi mate, I know just how you feel. I was adopted and was always told by my parents that I was special, I was chosen. Too much for anyone to live up to. Just be yourself. You have nothing to prove to anyone. Nobody can live up to someones elses idea of what is perfect. Take care.S.
     
  10. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Just wanted to chime in, and although I haven't really got any words for you, I can always say these from the heart:

    I care :hug:
     
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey There,
    I think you should look for another therapist. There are good ones and there are those who talk just to hear themselves. I also hold everything in and never smile because I hold all that pain in. It took three therapists before I found Gina. She is in the process of trying to get me to be a little more assertive. She says once i master that other feelings will follow in line.
    I truly hope you find the help you need. You don't have to suffer from being passive. Good Luck!!!~Joseph~
     
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