Close to the end

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by rephlex, Apr 30, 2007.

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  1. rephlex

    rephlex New Member

    Sorry if this post seems kind of random. I wrote things as I thought of them
    and then tried to edit it all together into a coherent piece. I may have failed.

    I'm 33 years old now, 34 this year. Hopefully I won't live to make 34.

    I have nothing to live for and nothing to look forward to. For years the only
    thing that has kept me alive has been the fear that a suicide attempt would
    fail and that I would end up in a worse situation as a result. I think i'm over
    my fear now.

    I have missed out on so many things in life. I feel that any windows of
    opportunity that had ever been open for me are now firmly shut. Out of
    desperation I have lived vicariously through others, but that isn't enough for
    me any more. I have become sick of being a observer and not a participant in
    life. I've never found the motivation to do anything to improve my life. Even if
    I had've i'm sure I wouldn't have succeeded. I have become paralysed with
    fear and am totally without hope of improvement. When looking at my likely
    future I just feel endless despair.

    I have had OCD all my life and it's only become worse over the years. I am
    currently on 60-80 mg of Fluoxetine (AKA Prozac) daily, which is a high
    dosage, it hasn't made life worth living but it has improved things. I don't get
    anywhere near as angry as I used to, and when I do get angry it doesn't last
    as long as it did. I'm totally calm and dry eyed right now.

    Every 3-4 days I clean my bathroom and then have a 6-7 hour long shower. It
    takes me about 11-12 hours in total after entering my bathroom to leave it
    after completing my shower. Before I was on Fluoxetine it was double that,
    the longest time I have spent awake has been 48-49 hours which was on a
    shower day.

    When I was 23 I was on Paroxetine (AKA Paxil) which made life much worse so
    I stopped taking it cold turkey after about a month after starting. Going cold
    turkey with Paroxetine isn't recommended because of the withdrawal
    symptoms. Funny though, the withdrawal symptoms, although unpleasant,
    were not as bad as I would have felt had I kept on taking it.

    Ever since I stopped taking Paroxetine (the last ten or so years) I've had an
    occasional headrush-like sensation. Recently my headrushes have became
    less frequent and now appear to have gone away entirely, which I think must
    be due to the Fluoxetine i'm on. Something to be grateful for, perhaps. It's
    weird how two similar drugs (Paroxetine and Fluoxetine, both SSRI's) can have
    such different effects on a person.

    It's been many months since I last left the house. I think i've been out of the
    house less than five times since 2003, certainly less than ten times. I believe
    I may have developed agoraphobia. I haven't even unpacked most of my stuff
    after the move to our new house, even though it happened in late 2003.

    I've never had a girlfriend and never had sex, or even kissed a girl. I've had
    three crushes in my life. First was when I was 12 with a girl who didn't like
    me, second time was when I was 19. She was a friend of a friends' girlfriend
    who I talked to for about three hours at a New Years Eve party. She touched
    me on the shoulder at one point. She was so beautiful and we had such a
    good conversation. At midnight I wanted to kiss her so bad, but I was so
    scared I just shook her hand instead! I didn't give her my phone number or
    ask for hers that night because I chickened out.

    I thought I would see her again, but I lost touch with my friend after my 20th
    birthday and never saw him, or his girlfriend or any of his or her friends again.
    I could have contacted her directly without much effort, but I never had the
    courage. That was about 15 years ago now, I wonder if she even remembers
    me. I'll never forget her. I hope she's happy.

    The most sexual thing i've ever done with a person is when I was 14 I
    masturbated to orgasm in front of a friend (male, unfortunately!) because he
    had asked me to. He felt guilty and dirty afterwards which made me feel bad.
    I would just love to be in love with a pretty girl, but it's never going to

    Right now I have a crush on Britney Spears. She's always interested me but
    ever since she shaved her head I have been totally obsessed with her. Even
    though our lives have been very different I can see some parallels between
    my life and hers, which I hate because my life sucks pretty much entirely. Her
    online name was recently leaked and ever since I have fantasized about having
    a deep conversation with her. Someone using that leaked name was online
    the other day too, but I only noticed just as they were leaving so I couldn't IM
    them. I wonder if it was really her...

    Twice I have cried myself to sleep worrying about Britney. One time I thought
    of her when I woke up and I just started crying, full-on crying while shaking
    uncontrollably. I just feel so pathetic about that as I don't know her
    personally and she doesn't even know I exist. As far as I can remember those
    three times are the only times i've cried at all since being on Fluoxetine.

    Maybe i'm deluded but I think it might help Britney a little bit if I could just talk
    to her. I just feel so sorry for her. More than anything I want Britney to be
    happy long term. Doesn't everyone deserve happiness? When I found out
    today that the rumours of her and Howie Day being romantically involved have
    pretty much been confirmed I felt completely gutted. Look on Wikipedia, Day
    sounds like he's as big a dick as Federline is, just more musically talented, not
    that that's difficult.

    I have honestly tried my best in life. Now I want to die. I have bought some
    charcoal online which I will burn in order to poison myself to death with the
    carbon monoxide gas that will be produced. I intend to do this sometime in
    the next three months. I'd do it today, but I want to see what happens to
    Britney in the near future, LOL! What a great reason to carry on!

    I hope Britney's comeback shows at the House of Blues go well. I hope she
    doesn't write a tell-all book about her life and family as I can only see that
    hurting her in the end. Her family may be screwed up (worse than mine it
    seems), but it's clear that they love her and only want the best for her.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. It sounds as if you have had many struggles to overcome in your young life. I am sorry to hear how debilitating things have become for you. I wish the meds could help you so you feel more safe and secure in things. I hope you can find a place with us here. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:
  3. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF rephlex.

    Hope you can find some support here.

  4. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF. i hope we can help you a little :hug:
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