Sorry if this post seems kind of random. I wrote things as I thought of them and then tried to edit it all together into a coherent piece. I may have failed. I'm 33 years old now, 34 this year. Hopefully I won't live to make 34. I have nothing to live for and nothing to look forward to. For years the only thing that has kept me alive has been the fear that a suicide attempt would fail and that I would end up in a worse situation as a result. I think i'm over my fear now. I have missed out on so many things in life. I feel that any windows of opportunity that had ever been open for me are now firmly shut. Out of desperation I have lived vicariously through others, but that isn't enough for me any more. I have become sick of being a observer and not a participant in life. I've never found the motivation to do anything to improve my life. Even if I had've i'm sure I wouldn't have succeeded. I have become paralysed with fear and am totally without hope of improvement. When looking at my likely future I just feel endless despair. I have had OCD all my life and it's only become worse over the years. I am currently on 60-80 mg of Fluoxetine (AKA Prozac) daily, which is a high dosage, it hasn't made life worth living but it has improved things. I don't get anywhere near as angry as I used to, and when I do get angry it doesn't last as long as it did. I'm totally calm and dry eyed right now. Every 3-4 days I clean my bathroom and then have a 6-7 hour long shower. It takes me about 11-12 hours in total after entering my bathroom to leave it after completing my shower. Before I was on Fluoxetine it was double that, the longest time I have spent awake has been 48-49 hours which was on a shower day. When I was 23 I was on Paroxetine (AKA Paxil) which made life much worse so I stopped taking it cold turkey after about a month after starting. Going cold turkey with Paroxetine isn't recommended because of the withdrawal symptoms. Funny though, the withdrawal symptoms, although unpleasant, were not as bad as I would have felt had I kept on taking it. Ever since I stopped taking Paroxetine (the last ten or so years) I've had an occasional headrush-like sensation. Recently my headrushes have became less frequent and now appear to have gone away entirely, which I think must be due to the Fluoxetine i'm on. Something to be grateful for, perhaps. It's weird how two similar drugs (Paroxetine and Fluoxetine, both SSRI's) can have such different effects on a person. It's been many months since I last left the house. I think i've been out of the house less than five times since 2003, certainly less than ten times. I believe I may have developed agoraphobia. I haven't even unpacked most of my stuff after the move to our new house, even though it happened in late 2003. I've never had a girlfriend and never had sex, or even kissed a girl. I've had three crushes in my life. First was when I was 12 with a girl who didn't like me, second time was when I was 19. She was a friend of a friends' girlfriend who I talked to for about three hours at a New Years Eve party. She touched me on the shoulder at one point. She was so beautiful and we had such a good conversation. At midnight I wanted to kiss her so bad, but I was so scared I just shook her hand instead! I didn't give her my phone number or ask for hers that night because I chickened out. I thought I would see her again, but I lost touch with my friend after my 20th birthday and never saw him, or his girlfriend or any of his or her friends again. I could have contacted her directly without much effort, but I never had the courage. That was about 15 years ago now, I wonder if she even remembers me. I'll never forget her. I hope she's happy. The most sexual thing i've ever done with a person is when I was 14 I masturbated to orgasm in front of a friend (male, unfortunately!) because he had asked me to. He felt guilty and dirty afterwards which made me feel bad. I would just love to be in love with a pretty girl, but it's never going to happen. Right now I have a crush on Britney Spears. She's always interested me but ever since she shaved her head I have been totally obsessed with her. Even though our lives have been very different I can see some parallels between my life and hers, which I hate because my life sucks pretty much entirely. Her online name was recently leaked and ever since I have fantasized about having a deep conversation with her. Someone using that leaked name was online the other day too, but I only noticed just as they were leaving so I couldn't IM them. I wonder if it was really her... Twice I have cried myself to sleep worrying about Britney. One time I thought of her when I woke up and I just started crying, full-on crying while shaking uncontrollably. I just feel so pathetic about that as I don't know her personally and she doesn't even know I exist. As far as I can remember those three times are the only times i've cried at all since being on Fluoxetine. Maybe i'm deluded but I think it might help Britney a little bit if I could just talk to her. I just feel so sorry for her. More than anything I want Britney to be happy long term. Doesn't everyone deserve happiness? When I found out today that the rumours of her and Howie Day being romantically involved have pretty much been confirmed I felt completely gutted. Look on Wikipedia, Day sounds like he's as big a dick as Federline is, just more musically talented, not that that's difficult. I have honestly tried my best in life. Now I want to die. I have bought some charcoal online which I will burn in order to poison myself to death with the carbon monoxide gas that will be produced. I intend to do this sometime in the next three months. I'd do it today, but I want to see what happens to Britney in the near future, LOL! What a great reason to carry on! I hope Britney's comeback shows at the House of Blues go well. I hope she doesn't write a tell-all book about her life and family as I can only see that hurting her in the end. Her family may be screwed up (worse than mine it seems), but it's clear that they love her and only want the best for her.