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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by panoply, Apr 6, 2013.

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  1. panoply

    panoply Banned Member

    It never ends, this shit.

    I'm five figures in debt to a general hospital that thinks handcuffing me to a gurney in the hallway to be babysat by an absent-minded premed intern for fourteen hours constitutes 1,200 dollars of treatment.

    I'm on academic probation at a community college. I've overstayed my welcome and they're threatening to expel me for poor grades.

    I am literally incapable of trusting any living person. A healthy relationship is a mythological thing, for me. My sexuality fluctuates by the hour and I'm completely incapable of controlling my own impulses or reining in my desires.

    My parents think I'm the instrument of Satan, probably. They have no idea I enjoy c**k on the side.

    The medications never work. A decade I've been on and off innumerable medications trying to "correct" a perceived "imbalance" when in reality my depression is not an illness, but a symptom of my inadequacy as a human being.

    I'm still banned from the chat on this site because of a misunderstanding three fucking years ago that, for reasons beyond my comprehension, the mods refuse to hear me out on. I guess I'm blessed with autism or something, because I just don't understand these folks.

    I'm so done being done. I'm tired of being tired. You've all heard it all before. I'm not even sad anymore. I just exist.

    Not here for consolation. If you understand where I'm coming from at all, you know that strangers patting me on my metaphorical back isn't going to do shit for me.

    I just need a place. That's it. A place to type and get this out of me. I have journals full of random scribblings, but it's not the same. I need anonymous strangers on the internet to read it, for whatever reason.

    I'm very close. Very, very close... and I'm not scared anymore.
     
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Threadbare welcome back, you know what this site is for therefore support, consolation is a given. So despite what you say you don't want I'm sorry you feel so bloody awful that you come back to a place you've avoided for three years.
    All sites have rules. Sites for vulnerable people are stricter often at policing them. Yes, vulnerable that's what you, I and everyone else on this forum is or has been.
     
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