close...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shuddertothink, Mar 18, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    i've been away. been in the hospital and crisis center, but tonight things are so bad, i want nothing more than to end my life.

    I never make a plan, i just use what's around, kinda spontaniously, but right now i DO infact have a plan. I'm in a really bad way right now, i need someone to talk to, but i don't have anyone.

    I'm soooo lonely, and i feel pathetic. I am tired of people saying how great i am, and all that kind of stuff because if that were true i'd have someone. being gay isn;t easy. It has nothing to do with sex, i NEED the affection, i NEED the companionship. But at this rate i am gonna be alone the rest of my life.

    Not only that, i don't even have any family or friends who care about or love me, that in itself as well as other reasons i don't want to get into now, makes me want to get it overwith even more so. I can't life my life this way anymore. NoOne would notice i was gone for a while, and when they did find out, they'd act all said, and tell everyone they were best friends with me, and stuff like that, which is crap because no one bothers with me, and no one cares.

    suicide is the only option i have left.

    i don't want to talk on the computer because for one, it's taking every ounce of my will just to even write this, voices are better since i can't have human contact.

    I can't stop crying and if i am still feeling this way in a few hours i am gonna take steps to put my plan into motion; After too many botched attempts, i now have a fool proof way with no chance of surviving, and it's appealing to me sooo strongly, i don't even know if i have it in me to NOT do it; I JUST DON'T KNOW.

    not that anyone cares. and also i'm sorry for wasting space, and wasting the time of whoever if ANY should read this. I don't know what to do anymore.
     
  2. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Hi shuddertothink

    I am so sorry things seem to be so awful for you right now. Please don't do anything to harm yourself. I know things seem pointless, and helpless and scary for you, but can you please ring up a crisis line? Go and see a doctor in the morning? Maybe they can put you on some medication, or if you are already on medication, adjust them, as the ones you are currently on clearly aren't working.
    I know that you feel like you're going to be alone for the rest of your life, but I really don't think that will be the case. I know plenty of people who have fallen in love, found 'the one' in later stages of life, and are perfectly happy.
    I'm sorry that you feel as if your family and friends don't care. Often the case is that they do care, but don't know how to show it, or they handle situations inappropriately. Could this be the case with your family and friends?
    Suicide is never the only option anyone has left, and I really do understand why you think that way, but please explore other options before you do this.
    I know this seems lame, but I care. I do. And my PM box is open to you if you need to talk.
    Please don't apologise for posting as you have nothing to apologise for. You are hurting right now, and the fact you have posted on here is a positive thing. Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
    Take care :arms:
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i care and i think you need to go backto hospital and get some help okay Call crisis line and TALK okay to someone that will listen and perhaps give you a coping skill to help you get through please reach out for help I care okay and so do others here hugs:hugtackles:
     
  4. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    :hugtackles:

    Hope your day gets better.
     
  5. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    No, that's not the case with my family or friends, they just couldn't care less whether i live or die, plain and simple. I am sure most people find it hard to believe that i really have NO ONE, not one single person who loves or cares about me, but it's true. If no one believes that then fine, it's your right.

    I am NOT going back to the hospital, under any circumstance.

    I said once before that i would never call another crisis line, but this morning about 5 am i called one on a whim, and regretted it almost instantly. There are really no other places i can turn, so i am not gonna try anymore, it's nothing but a waste of time. Every now and then, there is a person that is just one of those people who just can't be helped, because nothing works, and no one cares, not to mention being alone. Well i believe i am one of those people, because i have tried everything that people have suggested, and nothing ever worked for me.

    i've just had enough, i can't keep doing this, and i can't live my life if i am gonna be alone and miserable. I'm not fugly or gross and i am always nice to people, so why is it that i'm alone? I don't just mean a significant other, i mean a TRUE friend, or god forbid a goddamn family member. Why?!!!

    fuck this, i am sick of listening to myself, even i annoy myself when i hear myself telling about how my life is, Maybe that's catching, and that's why no one else gives a damn about me, or even tries to.

    fuck it, i have said enough, there';s really no point in talking about it anyway, so maybe next time, if there is one, i will just keeep it to myself. maybe i'll be back, maybe i won't who's to say?
     
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    why did you regret calling the crises line? what happened? would you think about calling a different one?

    people do care, this time of the day is always hard, but if you can push through it until tomorrow that would be good. stop and think about you, plan to do something that you'd really like to do - like a trip or something fun.

    please take care.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.