i've been away. been in the hospital and crisis center, but tonight things are so bad, i want nothing more than to end my life. I never make a plan, i just use what's around, kinda spontaniously, but right now i DO infact have a plan. I'm in a really bad way right now, i need someone to talk to, but i don't have anyone. I'm soooo lonely, and i feel pathetic. I am tired of people saying how great i am, and all that kind of stuff because if that were true i'd have someone. being gay isn;t easy. It has nothing to do with sex, i NEED the affection, i NEED the companionship. But at this rate i am gonna be alone the rest of my life. Not only that, i don't even have any family or friends who care about or love me, that in itself as well as other reasons i don't want to get into now, makes me want to get it overwith even more so. I can't life my life this way anymore. NoOne would notice i was gone for a while, and when they did find out, they'd act all said, and tell everyone they were best friends with me, and stuff like that, which is crap because no one bothers with me, and no one cares. suicide is the only option i have left. i don't want to talk on the computer because for one, it's taking every ounce of my will just to even write this, voices are better since i can't have human contact. I can't stop crying and if i am still feeling this way in a few hours i am gonna take steps to put my plan into motion; After too many botched attempts, i now have a fool proof way with no chance of surviving, and it's appealing to me sooo strongly, i don't even know if i have it in me to NOT do it; I JUST DON'T KNOW. not that anyone cares. and also i'm sorry for wasting space, and wasting the time of whoever if ANY should read this. I don't know what to do anymore.