Closer and closer to dying

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lonerinlife, Jan 13, 2009.

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  1. lonerinlife

    lonerinlife Member

    this is probably the worst introduction around, but I've been so down as of lately... I don't know what I can do... I've done so much already.

    Let me tell you my story, for those interested.

    I suffer from Aspergers syndrome, depression, and awful social anxiety disorder. I'm 100 percent sure I have an entire bag full of other problems with my head, but I've yet to get myself checked out for those. To the point... I've been thinking of suicide since I was 14 years old, but only now am I actually truly considering it after multiple years of sorrow and being alone. I have problems communicating with new people, some old... I get so nervous and scared talking to new people. It's awful.

    Ever since a very young age my family would beat me probably once every couple weeks for a long time. I let it happen, I couldn't do much about it other than run away. Eventually they stopped towards the age of 13-14. Never very bad, but it hurt... physcially and emotionally. I don't know if this is part of why I'm depressed (since it stopped). But it's worth mentioning. I generally got over it the day after the beating. I never got the ability to hang out with friends outside the house that much, barely at all. Although I had many school friends. This is all before the age of 14.

    then I made some friends, but problem is, my parents wouldn't allow me to stay the night or go over for more than twice a week. That was alright... but it wasn't enough. They knew I was depressed, had bad anxiety, but refused to help me out by simply driving me to a friends house. By then I'm 15 and my family/life drastically changed. My family wouldn't allow me to go over to a friends house more than once a week. This was due to their own general laziness. Being 15 I couldn't just drive there and they wouldn't let me walk far or take a bus.
    The people I was with, they were decent people in any parents mind. Responsible, drug free, positive... And I liked them too.
    It got to the point where I'd have to beg my family to drive me over, and most attempts were failed and ended up with me in my room sobbing because I felt so lonely. Eventually I gave up trying to hang with my friends after so much hassle. It wasn't worth it, and it wouldn't work. THAT and my friends were rowing the wrong way themselves. They weren't diving into the drug world like I was, but they were acting like idiots, constantly. I noticed one day that my friendship was fading due to my friends immaturity as well. These people are either very spoiled, have bad attitudes, try to one up me, a couple even made fun of me, and racist. They've called me names, made fun of me because I didn't have a girlfriend (by choice mind you), made fun of me for having a girlfriend they didn't approve of, and something that really got me was they make the N word (RACIST) a daily use in their vocabulary. Some of them would. It's stupid, it's annoying, one even got caught and almost beat up and continues to say it. I couldn't take it. They disrespected me to my end, and I didn't even want to be around them when they invited me over. I think the time our friendships ended completely was during the summer and when I was invited to go to a birthday party. I didn't go... couldn't of if i wanted too anyway. So I have two friends left, good friends, good people, but I depart from the other. I have one left. But as things tend to go down the drain for me, parents wouldn't let me chill with him. In time I have aged and am able to go wherever I want. But that is a problem. I still live at home at 19 years of age, no job, and am getting my ged. I feel completely worthless. I have no friends. I barely can keep internet friends. I am at a complete loss and i want to die a lot lately. I feel worthless. Soulless. and hopeless. It has been the same for years...

    This is when my anxiety and depression rose to an all new level. I checked into forced therapy, because I withdrew myself from school, I told them why, and was made to go to a psychologist. She did not help me at all. I didn't agree with some of her methods of speaking to me, or having me speak my feelings either. Puppet hands to talk out my feelings to her puppet hands?... no thank you, I am not 6 years old. But I did it anyways.. It was stupid. It didn't help, and I told her so. that wasn't the only way we communicated, but it was one that was insulting. After about 6 months of that bull, I was tested and diagnosed for having aspergers. Woopee..

    Started taking some more meds. They didn't help. I've been on meds since I was 11 or so, btw. For add, adhd, autism, aspergers, anxiety, depression, basically I felt like a test subject for behaviour fixing pills. I've tried them all, from the real deal pills, to the generics. The only things I haven't taken are beta blockers, and benzos. I don't want to have to resort to them, and I DO NOT want to take them daily, but that seems like what I'd have to do. I would rather take them when I am having extreme anxiety rather than taking ever 4-6 hours, whatever the directions would say... I know my family would not allow me to do so, because they would know I am getting a buzz from the pills every so often, and they are strict on me following directions. Simply put, this would not work unless I lived alone, and I don't think I even would benefit from taking these said pills anymore than i would as directed. Not in the long run. I've tried all sorts of drugs. These left me with better perceptions on life, yes. but they didn't hep me with anxiety. the drugs only kept me alive and gave me positive perceptions all of which truly do help towards life, but they can't help with my anxiety. So I quit all the drugs. Not hard.

    But now I am desperate. I am 19. I have NO friends. The ones I used to have don't talk to me anymore, they quit talking to me and haven't done as much as call here to see if im dead. They don't care. I have only my family left, and they are often aggravating to be around, and in time I've developed a gigantic problem maintaining conversation with both my parents. One bores me to no extent, and has been the main cause of my issues. She just doesn't stop. she is very controversial. I can't talk to her, because it either ends up in her ordering me to do something, scolding me, threatening me, or putting me down. I get called an asshole quite often, and I actually broke down during a verbal fight (started by her over something that could have been easily avoided had she not got an attitude and disrespected me).. I'm not someone who starts problems. and I yelled to her everything I felt, and how she makes me feel, what she does to me... I was in tears. after she tells me how much of a piece of crap I am to her and my other parent. After I tell her though, she replies ""NAME", you're nothing but a creep". She looked me right in the eyes and said that to me. I try not to be a problem to my family, I never do anything to them.... I don't understand how I can be a creep. what I told her was the truth, and it was put lightly, even when yelling it at her. she yelled at me first, keep in mind... I only felt that way it might get to her head. But it didn't. and after she calls me a creep i just turned away and said okay..whatever.. because it was pointless to try anything at this point. I walk away into the other room and still hear her putting me down.

    I'm tired of rambling. Most of you probably won't even read this... I don't like my life and I've been doing my best to improve with no results. I feel so inadequate.. Is there anything that can help me?

    I've been lifting weights, eat all healthy foods now only, I run, I practice striking on a punching bag... and I DO MY BEST to keep my head up... with no light at the top ever... I hate my life and I feel if I don't be with my best friend soon(our relationship has decreased drastically. Infact it's been about a year sin e ive seen him and we're in the same city.)... life doesn't have much more to it... it has no reward except material reward or substance induced, and I quit the drugs. So I'm left with this material reward, which I'd trade all for just to be with my best friend, and or have some great new ones. I'm thinking about dying, but this is no threat. I need help man. A lot of it. I'll take any tips you can bring me, recommondations, anything.. please just help me out if you can. I don't want to die but it seems like not such a bad idea.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2009
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi LIL, and will be surprised how many ppl here feel as you do and have managed to find company to share it with...we have several members who have AS and I think you might think about forming a chat room as a sub group, if you are up to may be an additional source of support...hoping your spirits lift and that you stay with us; welcome again, J
  3. lonerinlife

    lonerinlife Member

    Thank you for responding and for the welcome, Sadeyes. I do infact moderate a popular chat room, but things aren't going as well. The social anxiety, the well, I feel myself seperating due to the anxiety... among other things. I am like in real life, the quiet one. Unnappreciated because of it. Excuse my spelling. Some people care about me enough to discuss things such as this, but alas they are very far away, and in the end if I died, they probably wouldn't be effected by it much at all. Simple truth. I need help... dunno what to do.
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