Closer Than I've Ever Been

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Anam_Cara, Jun 5, 2013.

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  1. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    :( I really really REALLY need reasons to keep breathing right now. Great big argument once again in my house, and as always it's over my daughter's behavior.

    In short im way way over stressed, depressed and have been sick for months with various medical issues tied to my disabilities. Was just diagnosed as type II diabetic in March on top of 4 other disabilities. im house bound, NO social life except two out of town friends who visit me once a month or once every few months. otherwise I sit indoors in a small room day in and day out devoid of any social life but for relating to my family members. Daughter, Grandmum and Grandmums 90 year old sister who treats me with loathing and like a filthy ugly thing not worth her time. So I hide in my room. Just those 3 to relate to other than friends online. NO local friends I can go out with.

    Grandmum and I are super close since Grandad died in 09'..we work together to get bills paid, take care of business and enjoy a close bond, until my teenage daughter starts a riot here. I know daughter has anger issues, we're working on them with her physician, but its slow progress if any is being made at all. All the anger is aimed at me day in and day out, venom is spat constantly with almost immediate "oh I love you you're the best MOM!!" I cant keep up with her mood swings and rages at me. its love or hate. rage or cuddle. Amidst the anger, shes also a compulsive liar who tells BS stories to everyone, family, friends, strangers, and I never know with her if shes being honest or dishonest ive caught her in SO many lies. So I don't need told, see a doctor/counselor we ARE doing so already. AND our Pastor too. She acts like an angel around non-family, on her best behavior and when we get home the horns come out. no one sees past the BS, its frustrating.

    If I leave the house its to go to the ER, Doctors offices or to spend all my tiny income on groceries and bills to help us get by. I keep NOTHING for me, my check is gone the day it comes in. I have to buy food everyone can eat, which unfortunately isn't what my health conditions need. im supposed to eat low carb foods, and diabetic foods which I never get cause all my funds go on things the others can eat too. Grandmum buys food as well, we both contribute and I never complain about it. I ask nothing in return, except love, respect and the ability to go out when my friends are in town to socialize outside my family. at 34 is that too much to ask? am I being unreasonable to not want to drag family and daughter with me when I have friends take me out?

    a bit ago my grandmum interrupted my first shower this week (was too sick and weak to take one till today) just started feeling perkier. No sooner than I get in the shower grandmum starts pounding on the door ranting at me that my daughter told her off and refused to go to bed.

    WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO ABOUT IT FROM THE SHOWER??!!!

    so I have to get out, interrupt my shower, turn off the water and point blank get told I can forget going out with my friends this weekend unless I take my daughter with me cause shes NOT staying home alone with her while im out having fun. Okay well that was the last straw. First of all my daughter was NOT invited because she snubs my friends, she refuses to socialize, just texts her rude female friend and wont put her phone down, and honestly my friends know I need a day to myself without family and without my daughter's disrespect and drama. They disapprove of my daughter's treatment of me. This was supposed to be MY day, and ive not been out with my friends for 2 1/2 months now. All ive seen is doctors, hospital staff, grocery stores and family. Im going stir crazy and am sliding backwards into this black depression again.

    Even PRISONERS get visits from others. At 34 is this a crime? To have over night to visit friends?

    Every day its like groundhog day, the movie, but with a different script. I wake up to my daughter bullying me, teasing me, disrespectful comments, insults, name calling, humiliation and by bedtime I feel like never waking up again. I love my daughter deep down, but I hate what shes becoming and how she treats me. Grandma nags at me to make her do her TWO chores, its always get your daughter to clean up the dishes or her room..and when I DO approach my daughter and ask her (often PLEAD) with her to just get it done and over with, the girl goes off her rocker in anger and screams at me, flips me off, calls me hideous names, so many times ive heard "I HATE YOU I HOPE YOU DIE" "I WANT A NEW MOTHER" "I WISH YOU'D JUST LEAVE AND F**K OFF!!" list goes on, this is the SHORT list: "F**K YOU" "F**K YOU B**CH" "GO TO HELL" "WANK OFF" "WANK YOURSELF" "SHUT THE F**K UP"

    Play time or fun time is making fun of me until im in tears having a break down, or start raising my voice to get her to stop. When either happens she races off crying to grandma I hate her and im being mean and nasty and she hates me et cetera. Chores wise, if I breach the topic she plays sick, fake vomits, accidently slips and falls and cant move because she "hurts" or digs her nails into her arms and scratches them drawing blood. Then blames me, says I made her do it because I made her mad and hate her. I've tried to relate with my daughter, ive begged, pleaded, and asked every day for her to play games online, watch movies, talk, or something I can do.

    Last week I begged for 3 days to watch a movie, she refused and text her friend instead, then went in on the third day and watched it with grandma, praising grandma for watching it with her because Mum wouldn't and wont do anything with her. That's why I begged for days I guess! EVERY TIME I GET IN TROUBLE and she gets ME taken to task. after I get handed my bum by my grandmother, my daughter walks off smirking behind grandmums back. looks over her shoulder at me smirking in victory. I DONT get it. I don't hate her, I beg her to be nice and to watch movies or do something with me. I spend hours a night building her a fan site for a game she loves. I TRY. and get abused for it. and it IS verbal and emotional/mental abuse.

    Grandma comes whining to me for backup when daughter has a go at her, and forbids me to go out with friends when its HER that gets talked to rudely. but if I go to her about my daughter and her behavior I get told to be quiet and stop nagging the girl. WTF? Now grandmum and I are very close despite this drama with my daughter, its the ONLY time we argue, if we get along and are happy, daughter immediately starts a fight and tries to drive a wedge. when grandmum is away and its just my daughter and I, things are FINE, we get along, enter in another relative, when grandmum comes home and the drama starts up and im evil again.

    Need to get this out, so freaking hurt over it I don't want to wake up. closer than ive ever been to just saying screw it and giving up. I cant live like a prisoner, and deal with 24/7 teenage drama and HEAL..i don't know what I need, maybe just someone outside my family to listen. phone calls around here aren't private, daughter evesdrops and reports back everything I say.

    I want my happy family back, like I said I get on great with grandmum and love her dearly. shes my mum, she raised me when my own mum abandoned me. I saved grandmums life last year she wouldn't even be alive if I hadn't gotten her to a hospital when she was ill. its always arguments over my child, because of the drama and crap stirring she does. id be okay if the drama stopped long enough for me to get some healing done. grandmum and I are TRYING to heal, we really are, but when the drama starts she gets mad at me for upsetting the Princess and I get cracked down on with bans on friends et cetera.

    Losing my mind, when is the nightmare going to end..in tears over all this. how can one child turn a family into a war zone?
     
  2. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    sorry for rambling, have a friend on Skype talking to me, not going to do anything drastic, just massively overwhelmed and stressed, sometimes I cant handle it all and wish id not wake up. no plan to end things, just feel like not waking up sometimes, this is one of those times, I am safe though, needed heard this morning.
     
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