Closer To Death Than I Ever Want To Be

Discussion in 'Positive Feelings and Motivational Messages' started by supermodel, Jun 3, 2012.

  1. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    I joined this forum a few years back because I was dealing with some suicidal issues. I had been suicidal since the age of ten years old and have tried to deal with these feelings on and off for many years. I came here and found really great people that helped me out. I'm glad to say that I'm still here and getting married soon. I am disabled after my diagnosis of lupus (SLE) last year so that was quite a setback.

    My suicidal feelings come and go at times but not at the frequency that they used to. Things can and do get better. I even blog about suicide, trying to help as many people as I can.

    Here is a story that I want to share with you....

    I was sick on May 14, 2012 with horrible respiratory problems, but they grew to an extent that got beyond my control. I knew that my breathing was getting worse, so I asked my fourteen year old daughter to call 911 for me. She ran to the phone while I attempted to take my face mask off from doing a breathing treatment. It was then that I realized that I was in serious trouble.

    I made it to the window to close it, hearing the paramedics getting closer. I realized that it could very well be the last time that I would look out my window. I realized that I wanted to live and fought like a mad person!

    I didn't have time to grab a purse, ID, or even shoes. I was just in a pair of pajamas.

    I ran outside to the paramedics (amazing what the human body can do when under stress) and screamed with everything I had left to them to help me. I grabbed one fireman by the collar as he helped me on the stretcher before everything went black. The last thing I saw was his blue eyes.

    I was no longer in control of my fate.

    My fourteen-year-old daughter almost lost her mother.

    But I survived after being revived. The doctors stated that I was moments away from being placed on life support because I stopped breathing when I came in by ambulance. In my mind, I was trying to figure out why I couldn't remember the ambulance ride on the way here. I realized that I had passed out right after I grabbed the fireman by his collar.

    I'm saying all of this because I felt so lucky to be alive. I always thought that I wanted to die, but when my opportunity came, I fought like hell to come back. It is the body's natural instinct. To fight for survival. I felt lucky to be alive when I saw my daughter and the chaplain come into my room. Soon all my loved ones gathered at my bed, looking at me with stressed faces. They very well could've been planning my funeral.

    If I wanted to die, I could have simply lost consciousness on my floor, never to return.

    Choose life. I did.
  2. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    That was such an uplifting story. It mirrors mine. Thanks for the story and I'm glad you survived.
  3. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Sonya thank you for sharing your story, I have a disease, and some days like today i wish it would just take me.
    your story your life is inspiring
  4. Sea Sparkles

    Sea Sparkles Well-Known Member

    Thank you soooo, much for sharing! :hug:

    This just shows, suicidal thoughts aren't good, and your body fights so hard to stay alive.

    I hope your doing okay. Stay strong and get health.

    Bless be x